From the time I was in seventh grade until the end of my junior year of high school, I had fluctuating ups and downs. I still do, but they are nowhere near as drastic as they used to be. From being in an emotionally volatile relationship, to a suicide attempt, to an eating disorder, my early teen years were turbulent, to say the least. In this chaos, I lost a lot of friends. A lot of perfectly good, loving people who could not take my roller coaster of a life. I completely understand why someone would leave me in order to take care of themselves. I have not always been the perfect friend, sister or family member, and during this time I had moments where I probably would have left me, too.
But there was a group of people who did not leave. I do not understand how you were strong enough to deal with my manipulative and self-destructive streak, but you were. And you did so gracefully. I can only attempt to find the words to say to you. I will start by thanking you.
Thank you for handling me with such patience. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. Thank you for not giving up on me.
I do not like to say I would not be here without you because ultimately, I made the choice to recover. But it would have been much more painful had you left. It reassured me that people still cared about me unconditionally. It reassured me that I was not beyond repair. It reassured me that I was not alone.
Now, as I look into the eyes of others who are going through similar things, I try to model my support after how you supported me. I think of what was most comforting to hear when I cried. I think of what I needed to hear when I was manipulating others in order to be alone with my disease. I think of what motivated me to get better.
I need you to know that you do not go unnoticed. Your efforts to handle me when I was inconsolable will forever be etched into my mind. The hugs I got when I needed them and the respect I received for my boundaries made all the difference. You made all the difference.
To everyone who watched me struggle, try, and fail over and over again: thank you, I love you, you are important. You reminded me that I could recover, and that, as long as I was moving, I was doing just fine.
To everyone still struggling: you are important, I love you, and you are doing just fine. Why? Because you are still moving. You are still here.
