At first, your apartment, or dorm room, seems like a safe haven. It's a place you can relax. It's a place you can binge watch Netflix with a box of Goldfish on a Friday night and nobody will judge you. But only two short months later, everything starts to fall apart and life in that 10' x 12' box seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Your fridge keeps letting your food die, your shower won't stop dripping, and your roommates are making you consider living in an actual box seven states away.
October is National Hate Your Roommate Month and if it's not already, it's about to be in full swing. You've been living in too close of quarters with these people for two months too long and you're nearing the breaking point. But this is a serious matter. If you or a loved one are experiencing immense anger, rage, or annoyance when any of the following occur, please seek help immediately.
- They breathe too close to you.
- Your food in the fridge or pantry is moved an inch.
- They lie about eating your Nutella with their bare hands. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I signed a lease with a caveman?
- Their shoes have been by the door for more than a day.
- The door isn’t locked.
- They go to the bathroom so much.
- Their food has been on the counter for 20 minutes.
- Their dishes have been in the sink for 10 minutes.
- There are four crumbs on the counter.
- The pots and pans have not been thoroughly cleaned.
- The Brita is empty.
- They didn’t shut the door with enough grace and poise to win a Miss America Pageant.
- They throw out your $13 burger that you were still working on.
- They throw out your venti caramel frappaccino that you were not done with.
- The RedBull you’d been saving for a special treat has been given away.
- The wine opener is not in the right drawer.
- They get so mad at you that they put their microwave in their closet -- sad, but true.
- The dishwasher isn’t empty and it was not your turn to empty it, but you do it anyway as a passive aggressive way of letting your roommates know they messed up.
- They’re still in the bathroom.
- The AC is set at 73 instead of 74.
- They ask where you are when you've had the same schedule for five weeks and its also posted on the fridge.
- They complain about their weight when their diet legit only consists of Jimmy Johns, Flavor Blasted Goldfish, and beer and they refuse to go to the gym with you.
- When the roommate that lives above you sounds like an elephant dragging a safe.
- The washer/dryer have been full for at least half an hour.
- They complain about baby bio and college algebra on an hourly basis.
- They ask to borrow your clothes.
- They ask to wear your shoes.
- They borrow your clothes and shoes without asking.
- They are kissing their significant other with you in the room like you’re a cat or a desk lamp (a.k.a. don’t matter).
- They take candy from your candy jar without permission.
- They don’t clean the bathroom when the chore chart clearly shows it has been their turn for two weeks to clean the bathroom.
- Speaking of the bathroom, they are still in it.
- They’re playing music and you can hear it.
- They don’t watch Netflix with headphones.
- They had the audacity to answer their phone and not leave the room first.
- When your roommate leaves Skype on to "sleep" with their long distance significant other.
- They’re an early bird when you’ve discussed with them several times to not wake the bear before the bear is ready to be woken.
- They looked at you.
- They sneezed.
- They coughed.
- They didn't laugh at one of your jokes.
- They are still in the bathroom, like, what the hell are they doing in there? Designing a new ceiling for the Vatican?
- They think they’re invited to your birthday dinner and then don't get you a gift.
- They ask if they can get a cat and get mad at you when you ask if you can get a puppy.
- They don’t get a puppy.
National Hate Your-Roommate Month is very real and it is a growing concern among roomies everywhere. Don’t assume you can’t be affected by this tragedy just because you live with your best friends -- that’s when it strikes the hardest. The best ways to cope with these feelings of immense anger, rage, and annoyance are located in the freezer section of the grocery store. Be brave, children. October is only 31 days long. It will all be over soon.
