The President of the United States is the leader of our nation. In the middle of a friggin' cold January day, he puts his hand on the Bible and swears to uphold the Constitution and all of its self-evident truths, blah blah, pomp and circumstance, blah blah. Most of the time, the President is under deadly amounts of stress, holding the weight of our horrible country on their probably unqualified backs.

If you paid attention to Obama in the time from his first term as president to this one, you probably noticed that the dude looks like he spent all eight years of his presidency in the underworld, dealing with some particularly stressful demons and aging about a thousand years in the process. I mean, that’s basically what he was actually doing, but anyway.

The presidency is a stressful job, no matter how well you think the President is doing or how much you like or dislike him. (Unless you’re little George Bush, then the presidency was probably all right, just like reading children’s books and painting pictures of cats and going golfing in Texas.) It’s pretty stupid. We basically ask this dude to be King of America and then give him pretty much no executive power and stick him in a big white house and ask him to never make any mistakes or do anything we don’t like, otherwise we’ll impeach the sh*t out of him and make sure he never works in this town again—and “this town” is the whole damn country.

Talk about stress. Something that’s pretty good at relieving stress is sexual intercourse. (Not my personal opinion, but science says so, so whatever.) I’m serious. People who have bone on the regular have lower blood pressure than the rest of us sad, stressed creatures. They’re also way cooler than your typical person. (This is my personal opinion, and I honestly don’t care what science thinks about it.)

So what does this have to do with the Presidency? Well, what would you turn to if you were the most stressed out dude in America?

No, besides that. You’d probably bone a whole bunch of stuff, right? I mean, it makes sense to me.

So, for your pleasure, I have complied a list of the five horniest POTUSes (POTUS’s? POTI? Whatever) we have had thus far.

1) Bill Clinton, aka Slick Willie

Yeah, I mean, I almost don’t have to say anything, right? You just look at this guy and you can see that he’s a freak.

Look at those bedroom eyes.

He (allegedly) once put a cigar in the vagina of the White House intern he had an affair with. Like, in the Oval Office. Where Abraham Lincoln rested his top-hatted head. Where Nixon did like four thousand shady-*ss things. Bill reduced the nation’s deficit in the morning and then went and got head from a curvaceous young intern in the afternoon.

When the government found out about Bill and his extramarital vagina, they tried to impeach him, essentially for no reason besides being a horny bastard. It didn’t work. Obviously. I mean.

Look at him. He’s f*cking cool.

2) Gerald Ford, aka Jerry

So this is pretty wacky, but that great big hunk of President up there allegedly boned the same German spy that JFK once boned.

Nice. Anyway, this was back when Gerald was just a congressman from Michigan. Evidently this lady—Ellen Rometsch—was really good at oral sex. JFK reportedly said that she had given him the “best head-job he’d ever had.” High praise. So, a lady from Germany who was potentially a spy who had also once gone down on JFK also once had sex with Gerald Ford, who would become President eleven years later. Also, to make it even weirder, the only reason we know about this stuff is because J. Edgar Hoover apparently kept a recording of this lady giving Gerald head.

The past is a weird place.

3) Lyndon B Johnson, aka Bullsh*t Johnson

LBJ was a scoundrel. He may look like your grandpa, but you do not want this guy to be your grandpa. Or your secret dad. No, really. In 1950, 16 years into his marriage, he knocked up a woman named Madeleine Brown. Their affair lasted 21 years. And that’s the most decent of his dalliances.

LBJ once claimed he had more women “by accident” than JFK ever had “on purpose.” That’s a bold claim. It’s also weird. Like, how do you have sex on accident? What does that even mean? Are women just tripping and falling onto this dude’s dick? Not only was he a womanizer, he was competitive about it.

He also liked to expose himself for no particular reason.

Yuck, dude.

4) Franklin D. Roosevelt, aka The Boss

I don’t know if this counts as super horny, or even horny enough to be included in this weird and unnecessary article, but there was probably some sex involved so here we are.

In 1905, he married Eleanor Roosevelt, his fifth cousin once removed. They remained married until his death in 1945, but most of their relationship was political, because Eleanor hated his guts for most of their lives.

In 1914, Franklin began an affair with Eleanor’s secretary, Lucy Mercer. It was passionate, steamy, dirty, everything you want an affair with your secretary to be. Shortly after WWI, Eleanor found their sexy letters and demanded that Franklin never see Lucy again. He listened to her for like two seconds but mostly just kept writing sexy letters and seeing Lucy until literally the day he died—she was with him in his last hours.

Franklin’s sons have also come out and said that their father probably had decades long affairs with his secretary Missy LeHand and also Princess Märtha of Sweden, 'cause why not?

Dude got around.

5) John F. Kennedy, aka Our Nation's Supreme Daddy

Mmm.

You knew it was coming. You knew he was coming. (Heh.) Kennedy is probably better known for his womanizing than he is for any actual politicking he did. He wasn’t President long enough. Our remembrance of him as a great President is based on his gorgeous smile, tragic death, and hot wife. Not to say he wouldn’t have been, or that he was a bad one—realistically, there’s no way to say.

However, we do know for sure that this dude LOVED to get in touch with his inner goddess. Kennedy is noted for getting down with scores of Hollywood starlets, from Marlene Dietrich to Marilyn Monroe. He had sex with the wives of mob bosses, exes of Frank Sinatra, the previously noted German spy Ellen Rometsch, even his wife’s press secretary.

JFK’s women had a lot to say about him. He was a good listener. He was handsome. His eyes were bluer than the ocean. One woman said that he was “very quick and very wild” in bed. A French socialite said his “tenderness was a revelation.”

“If I don’t have sex every day, I get a headache,” he said. Who says that? Really horny people.

Marilyn Monroe, apparently eager to become First Lady, reportedly called Jackie and told her all about her affair with Jack.

Jackie reportedly said, “Marilyn, you’ll marry Jack, that’s great... and you’ll move into the White House and you’ll assume the responsibilities of first lady, and I’ll move out and you’ll have all the problems.” Damn. #roasted

So, in conclusion, presidents are just as horny as the rest of us. They just have a lot more power and an actual army at their disposal. Yikes.