Unless you've been living under a rock for the past month and a half, you've probably heard thatDonald Trump is running for president.
This is pretty much the biggest thing to happen since the last time Donald Trump threatened--I mean, announced that he was running for president.
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Ha ha... Silly typos...
Anyway, because I'm of age to vote, and I now have the opportunity to potentially reach thousands of people with my writing, I decided to share with all of you ten reasons why you should definitely be voting for Trump this upcoming election.
1. He is so not racist.
Seriously, guys, Donald Trump isn't racist at all. Who cares if he said that "laziness is a trait in blacks"? And that time he said "black guys counting my money? I hate it! The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day"?
I'm sure he didn't actually mean it.
How about when he claimed to have "a good relationship with the Blacks"? Or that one time he actually hired a black guy?
Are you guys just going to overlook that stuff?! That's about as non-racist as it gets.
2. He cares about our environment.
Global Warming? Harmful to the Earth and all its inhabitants?
HA! You humor me.
Guys, "it's freezing and snowing in New York; we need Global Warming!"
And as far as recycling and conserving energy goes, you can forget about it! I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone I know getting cancer. According to Trump, "new 'environmentally friendly' light bulbs cause cancer. Be careful; the idiots who came up with this stuff don't care."
Gosh, Donald, you are so right. Why put our trust and environmental well-being into these exceedingly intelligent individuals with years of education and training, when we can put our trust in you and your idiotic claims that have little to no actual scientific proof?
3. He looks out for the children of this country.
C'MON, PEOPLE. THEY'RE NOT F*CKING HORSES; STOP GIVING THEM FREE VACCINATIONS TO PROTECT THEM FROM POTENTIALLY FATAL ILLNESSES.
4. He knows the truth about the media.
"You know, it doesn't really matter what [the media] writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of a*s." - a direct quote from the Trumpster himself, ya'll.
He's got a point, right? In fact, he continued by saying, actually, that "all journalists are terrible people."
I don't know about you, but I thank the good Lord every single day for ol' Don's words of wisdom. Not only am I going to start doing 400 squats a day and drop my journalism minor, (because what's the point? We're all useless and we suck), but I am also going to stop relying on every news source on the face of the planet.
Who cares about current events anyway?
Honestly, Donald Trump is the only new source I need. Which leads me to number
5. He is so intelligent.
Retweeted, favorited, screenshotted, posted to Facebook, and tattooed on my forehead. Hashtag truth.
6. He once compared gay people to actual golf clubs.
When speaking about same-sex marriage in 2011, Trump, being the literary genius that he is, told The New York Times, "It's like in golf... A lot of people--I don't want this to sound trivial--but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive."
He continued, "It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And I hate it. I am a traditionalist."
That was quite the simile, Trump. Very insightful.
7. He keeps it real when it comes to immigration.
In the midst of his presidential campaign announcement, (VOTE TRUMP, VOTE TRUMP, VOTE TRUMP!) he states, "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems to us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."
Well then. That wasn't rude, disguising, or offensive at all. Let me just go tell half of my f*cking family, who happen to be great, successful, and honest people, to go the hell back where they came from.
8. Of course he's running for president; he really appreciates the American Government!
During the GOP debate this month, Donald made the incredibly wise and mature decision to say the following: "Our leaders are stupid, our politicians are stupid, and the Mexican government is much sharper, much more cunning. [So] they send the bad ones over because they don't want to pay for them, they don't want to take care of them."
And it just keeps getting better.
By the way, screw you, Obama. You passed a health care reform, ended the war in Iraq, began the draw-down of the war in Afghanistan, eliminated Osama bin Laden, boosted fuel efficiency standards, eliminated Catch-22 in pay-equality laws, protected two liberal seats on the U.S. Supreme Court, expanded Wilderness and Watershed Protection, invested heavily in renewable technology, improved school nutrition, expanded health coverage for children, extended stem cell research, helped South Sudan declare independence, killed the F-22, and did much more... But you're still stupid. Trump said so.
9. He loves his children.
"I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." -Trump on "The View" in 2006.
Ugh. If only my dad said creepy things like that about me. *flails in jealousy and exasperation*
10. He treats women with the utmost respect.
When he's not spending his time saying ridiculous and offensive things about literally everyone ever, Trump spends his time evaluating the Miss USA pageant contestants (which he owns, by the way).
In 2009, Carrie Prejean, a former contestant of the pageant, wrote of the humiliating and sexist tasks she and her running mates were required to complete. She states that, "some of the girls were sobbing backstage after [Trump] left. It was as though we had been stripped bare."
Let's also not forget about the time he told Entertainment Tonight, "If I were running The View, I'd fire Rosie. I mean, I'd look her right in the fat, ugly face of hers, I'd say, 'Rosie, you're fired.'" We're all a little chubby, but Rosie's just worse than most of us.
As a woman, this really makes me feel better about this man potentially running our country.
11. And, let's not forget that he is a man of patience and virtue.
Do you ever get the urge to just slap a baby right across the face?
WELL, DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T.
"And did you notice that baby was crying through half of the speech and I didn't get angry? Not once. That baby was driving me crazy. I didn't get angry once because I didn't want to insult the parents for not taking the kid out of the room!"
Wow. A true saint, that man.
Still with me? Good.
So, that was definitely eleven reasons, not ten, but you guys know, by now, that I have a bit of a problem keeping my opinions to myself.
Before I bid you all farewell, I just wanted to make sure that you all detected the very large amount of sarcasm literally oozing from this article.
Seriously, do not vote for Donald Trump.
Unless you want our country to be engulfed by a raging fire of superiority, homophobia, racism, sexism, and just pure stupidity, I would vote for... literally, anyone else.
Ronald McDonald, Justin Bieber, a caterpillar, Lucifer himself...
Literally.
Anyone else.
Thanks for reading, gumdrops. Stay rad, stay bad, and STAY INFORMED.
