To the people I actually look forward to talking to:
You are a small, special group of people. And to the rest of you, I don’t dislike you. Anxiety gets the best of me, and making conversation makes me uneasy. I’m awkward and anxious, and I try to keep my awkward conversations to a minimum. But to the small group of you that I do look forward to talking to, even if it’s not every day, you keep me sane and keep my anxiety level a little lower. So I thank you.
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For a quick little example, when I get sick I go into a mode of denial because I don’t want to go to the doctor. I hate talking on the phone. Before I call to make my appointment, I rehearse what I’m going to say to the receptionist when she answers, but when I begin, my script gets all jumbled anyway. I do not look forward to talking to them, but it’s not their fault.
I dread group projects, awkward family gatherings at an acquaintance’s house that I somehow got roped into, and parties with no alcohol with people I don’t really know. Is it because I have anxiety or am I just really uninterested in talking to everyone? It depends on the situation and the person, but anxiety usually wins.
Anxiety sucks and it prevents me from doing a lot of things that people without anxiety do. I should be able to make my own appointments without making up a script in my head or dreading working on a group project. I’m an adult-ish! Why can’t I do these things?
Even though I do have this weird anxiety about talking to people, I remember that I have a select group of people that I do look forward to talking to. Shocking, right? I owe you all a big thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to stay in my little anxiety-ridden rabbit hole all the time.
To my family:
I always look forward to talking to all of you, because everyone seems genuinely interested in my life. You tell me that my new haircut doesn’t look that bad, you tell me it’s okay that I don’t know what the heck I’m doing with my life yet, and you politely smile and nod while I talk about how hard my psychology class is even though I killed it on the final exam. I could do without the awkward “you look so grown up” or “do you have a boyfriend” types of questions, but I do appreciate the interest.
To my boyfriend:
I talk to you every day and get so much enjoyment out of complaining and talking to you about my day. I love telling you pointless stories, like how I tripped over an uneven brick on the sidewalk and hit my head on a light pole. I can talk to you about everything and nothing, and I do. I don’t think my group project mates would listen to any of that nonsense.
To my favorite waitress at my favorite restaurant:
We’ve all become familiar with that person that’s always working at a coffee shop we frequent on our break at work, or a restaurant we visit in between classes, or a favorite bartender, right? I don’t have full-on conversations with these people, but when I see them working I get more excited than I normally would be. She makes jokes when I get something different than I normally would, and stays and chats with me longer than a normal waitress would in a friendly way. It feels like It’s the little things, ya’ll.
And finally, to those friends who are off to college elsewhere now:
We don’t talk every day, and we don't need to. Since we’ve been apart for so long, we always have a million things to talk about when we are reunited, especially those of us who have been separated for reallylong time. I know we will pick up right where we left off though, with some “remember whens" and “guess whats" and gossip galore. This is a special type of friend that I will always look forward to talking to. Even though every possible bit of our lives has changed, our friendship has not.
