It's Monday night and the stage is set for the first dungeon of my friend's newest Dungeons and Dragons campaign. The Dungeon Master (who will be referred to going forward as the “DM”) has already done a run of it with another group, but I happened to be around for the second time through. I'm not sure what it is that prompted me to want to chronicle this particular adventure, but I make the decision and it turns out for the best: Dungeons and Dragons isn't something I've been good at any time I've tried to play, but it is almost always entertaining to watch.

Our cast takes their seats around the map on the tables in the Green Lounge of our floor and I get some background information. They'll be playing from the fifth edition of "The Curse of Strahd," which was introduced as a setting module back between 1978 and 1983 under the name "Ravenloft" before becoming a standalone adventure. It takes place in the realm of Gothic horror—which, fortunately, is one of my specialties. The players have already finished creating their characters before, but tonight is when the story itself actually gets started.

If you are interested in playing "The Curse of Strahd", be aware that this article is very spoiler-heavy for the first dungeon. If that bothers you, don't read on until you have played through it yourself. If it either doesn't bother you or you've already played it, carry on.

The Setting:

Barovia, which is described overall as being a very misty, dank place protected by rusted iron gates in the middle of a valley.

The Characters:

Dorf Van Helsing, who looks exactly like Ganondorf from "The Legend of Zelda." A human.

[Name Redacted], who is part of a long family of characters created by the person playing him. A dhampir.

Alphonse the Wicked, who is a trickster cleric. A human.

Haldric Brighthearth, a paladin. Also a human.

The DM asks for everyone's passive perceptions, which more or less equate to their intelligence stats. They're about average—enough so that they'll notice some small details in a setting, but not everything.

The story thus far: these acolytes, affiliated with the Sacred Grove (For Now) Monastery, have traveled to the border of Barovia, but as of yet have been unable to actually enter the grounds. Something to note about the gameplay itself: On the one hand, yes, Dungeons and Dragons does give you the story to follow, and they do provide a script, but the act of being a DM does involve a lot of ability to actually tell that story and get your players immersed in the world. This time, the DM plays some scene-setting music—not so loudly that it's overpowering, but enough that you can almost pretend that you're playing a video game (which really, what can we say about RPGs except that they follow in the footsteps of their tabletop counterparts?).

Our heroes are invited to join a quest via a letter, and apparently nobody in the group can read Common. In any case, they're asked to go help the burgermeister save his wife. Despite it being night, they make the decision to try to catch the messenger who delivered the letter. In the meantime, they also discuss the physics of punching (“Can you punch while holding a torch?” Dorf asks, since his character's main fighting ability involves using his fists). In order to catch the messenger, they roll perception checks and are able to spot him. He's a member of the Vistani, and he strongly advises that they wait until daylight before attempting to get back to Barovia.

After some profanities, the group comes to the conclusion that they won't wait until morning. Do they have horses? No. “You can just ride your squires,” Haldric says. They don't actually have squires. In any case, the quest continues without horses.

On the map, they use figurines to represent themselves, which serves a legitimate purpose of showing where they are as well as the not so necessary reminder of a story my mother told me about when my uncles used to play DnD. Apparently they tried customizing their figures and almost cut a finger off. Terrified of what my grandfather would do, they used Scotch tape to hold it together.

They travel farther into the woods and towards Barovia itself. The scenery gets more overwhelming and imposing as they drop into the valley. The DM shows us the accompanying art from the book to give us a sense of scale. I noticed that the DM uses a Magic: The Gathering card to mark his place, which is entirely unsurprising, since we live in Geek-themed housing.

“What affliction are we trying to solve?” is the main question they have for the messenger. Apparently the burgermeister's wife has been being attacked by a vampire: Think Lucy from "Dracula." She's not dead yet, but unless they save her, she'll become one herself.

[Name Redacted]: Luckily we know about vampires. From reading. Also I am one.

Technically, a half-vampire, but the point stands.

There's a quick digression about Dorf Van Helsing and how fitting the last name is, as well as whether or not Van Helsing from Dracula was German or Dutch (answer: He was Dutch) before the gates of the city close behind them and they continue down the road. The DM describes the language used in the handbook to describe the setting as “Poetic” before telling the group that Haldric, Alphonse, and Dorf smell death.

Dorf: Sorry, I farted.
[Name Redacted]: Why don't I [smell it]?
DM: Your intelligence isn't high enough.

Alphonse perceives a body, but the group is encouraged to keep moving forward.

DM: Loot the corpse.
[Name Redacted]: I have no reason to look.
Dorf: It's actually Alphonse's dead body.

(It has come to light after the the fact that there was letter on the body. This was the actual letter from the burgermeister, a warning to stay as far away from Barovia as possible.)

The woods clear out to show a river, and then the shape of the village appears. It's mostly boarded up, and the trope of monks makes plans to (fittingly) lodge in a church. Before they can get there though, they're stopped by a pair of children. They investigate these crying children and my first guess is that they must be vampires, since this is clearly a Gothic horror novel turned into a tabletop RPG.

[Name Redacted]: What's the matter?
DM, as the children: There's a monster in our house.
[Name Redacted]: Are you ghosts?
Dorf: Roll for Zak Bagans check.

The DM reveals that the children's names are, for all intents and purposes, Rose and Thorn.

Dorf: Ah these names suck!

As the DM begins to draw out a map of the house (which is aptly titled “Death House”), he tells us that the children are “Completely ordinary humans. Just purple people.”

[Name Redacted], looking at the map: Is this where Conner [a member from the previous night's run of the dungeon] got a one-shot?
DM: He got better.
Dorf: There's the thing about level one. I walk up to [Name Redacted], I'm a barbarian, and [I] roll a 12. Bam, bye.

It becomes clear through more dialogue with the children that their parents keep a monster locked up in the basement. Their parents have gone missing, and they have a baby brother somewhere in the house.

[Name Redacted]: We need to save the baby.
Haldric: Do we split up?
[Name Redacted]: My character would go alone.
DM, imitating Fred from Scooby Doo: Let's split up and look for clues!
Dorf: Okay, just remember to meet at the malt shop.

They come to the unanimous decision to split up, which, as the group from the previous night walks by us and overhears the plan, is confirmed as being a bad idea. This group asks a little more about the characters here, learns that they're all acolytes, and that Dorf's affiliates are “Kipple and Nipple.” In the meanwhile, [Name Redacted] is trying to figure out if they can get Rose and Thorn to show them where the baby is in the house, but they're too afraid. Instead, they get some more information about the monster in the basement. It howls, but the presences of the crescent moon rules out it being a werewolf. Even so, I'm getting severe "Hammer Horror Vampire Circus" vibes from this whole place.

Eventually, they choose to meet up with the children after the dungeon has been completed back at the church. They'll be acting as their characters would according to their alignment. Dorf knocks over the other small figures with his own and says, “I spent a ki point for that.”

They enter the house and it's very obviously the home of aristocrats. In the foyer, they roll for perception.

Alphonse: Look for drawings of dead bodies.
[Name Redacted]: I'm looking for baby-shaped things. That's what I'm here for.
Haldric: Play this game and take a drink any time it says “Mahogany.”
DM: You'd be dead.

Everyone (except for [Name Redacted]) notices skull and serpent patterns in the woodwork of the room. As per their plan to split up, Alphonse and [Name Redacted] go upstairs while Dorf and Haldric stay downstairs with their torch. The DM plays some ambient spooky house music, which is accompanied by "Rick and Morty" screams from Dorf's phone. When they talk about the house, they start wondering if they should be looking for traps.

Dorf: Why would there be a trap in this inhabited house?
[Name Redacted]: There's a monster in the basement!

[Cue more Scooby Doo jokes: “Look out, Scoobs!"]

The DM's Magic card falls out and is revealed to be a skeleton—Tenacious Dead, to be specific. They continue to explore the room and it's revealed that in the images of trees, there are twisted faces in the bark. Paintings depict a wolf hunt.

[Name Redacted], whispering: Werewolves.

There's a relatively long amount of time required to search each room, but eventually, Dorf and Haldric move onto the kitchen and declare their movement.

[Name Redacted]: I turn into a bat.
DM: You can't.

The house is very clearly lived in—at least on the first floor. As the rooms are searched, the DM takes the time to fill in the objects that are found and is reminded that, in the pantry, he could just easily write “food.” Jokes continue on about the investigation.

Alphonse: I found the Zodiac Killer.
Haldric: Is it Ted Cruz?
Dorf: Jeb is a mess.
[Politics jokes continue for about two minutes.]

The final room on the first floor is a den, where there are some stuffed wolves which are “quite dead and stuffed.” Haldric and Dorf search the cabinets and find that while one is locked, the other contains playing cards, a wine goblet, and a key. The key can be used on the other cabinet.

Dorf: I use my sleight of hand to unlock that.
Haldric: No, you unlock it like a normal person.

They find bullets but don't take any weapons before closing the cabinet and re-locking it. There's a closet, too, which they go to search by rolling for perception again.

DM: I guess both of you reach up and your hands awkwardly touch.
Dorf: When two become one—
DM: You find a top hat, the best loot in the book.
Dorf: That's what Van Helsing wears!

Thus stuck in a closet, the scene shifts to [Name Redacted] and Alphonse, who are on the second floor. There's a painting, in which the children from before are depicted with their parents. It's clear that the mother regards the baby with scorn. Other Gothic elements—specifically, suits of armor—line the walls.

Alphonse: This is a f*cked up house.
[Name Redacted]: Let's keep going.

[Name Redacted] is immediately apprehensive of the mother, and makes a plan to attack or at least question her should they meet. Dorf, who had stepped away from the table while the scene shifted, returns from his dorm room carrying Boxed Water, which tastes like “water with corners.” Alternative descriptions provided include, “tap water in a box,” and “water soaked in cardboard.”

During this time, I attempt to take a photo to use as the cover image of this article. [Name Redacted] looks like he's choking in it, and the decision is made not to use it.

They carry on with the game. Alphonse, according to the DM, perceives more grotesque images carved into doors.

[Name Redacted]: Alphonse can't even see and he notices it! Am I stupid?
A suit of armor springs to life, ready to attack.
[Name Redacted]: I'm about to get one-hitted by the same thing that Conner got!

It's actually two punches and [Name Redacted] has negative health and is effectively knocked out.

Dorf: Do we hear this?
DM: You probably hear Alphonse screaming.

[Name Redacted] has -2 health and needs to be healed by Alphonse ASAP. They discuss whether or not to call for help from Haldric and Dorf, which, ultimately, they do. It's true—splitting up is a terrible idea. [Name Redacted] is just barely revived as Dorf dashes up into the fight.

DM: You could do something to aid [Name Redacted].
[Name Redacted]: Just drag me away.

They try not to waste their actions, but I'm wondering, How are they going to get out of here?