I’m blessed and cursed with a winter break that lasts not two, not three weeks, but six entire weeks and I’m only halfway to the end. Compared to the busy schedule during the semester, this break feels endless and idle. Lethargy becomes me, restlessness ensues, laziness takes over, boredom festers, feelings of uselessness and inadequacy surmount, and dissatisfaction rises.
This is what the internal dialogue sounds like:
Good morning! For about the next hour…
Well there goes my morning. It’s okay, I’ll set an alarm and get up tomorrow.
I should check my phone.
How has it already been an hour?!
Oh look, it’s afternoon now.
I don’t feel like getting up quite yet.
I’ll just stay here in my warm snuggly bed.
No use embracing the cold world until later.
What’s new on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Youtube? Nothing. Because people have lives.
I could still be productive today.
Okay, create a to-do list and then just motivate yourself to do the things.
Simple enough. Just a few things. Don’t overwhelm yourself.
I have so much time.
I could bake or paint, read a book, maybe do a few scholarships, look for jobs or an internship, update my resume, organize paperwork, research that camera I’ve been wanting, and clean my room.
None of those things are too difficult.
No. Nope. That’s doing too much. Not feeling that at all.
Ooo, a notification from Facebook. And its been another 20 minutes of scrolling.
Who can I text? I miss people. Maybe I should ask about their lives.
I could hangout with people… haha no. Then I have to get dressed and leave the house. Socializing also sounds like a lot of energy I’m not willing to exert at the moment.
What?! It’s 2 p.m.! How did I just waste another hour watching Buzzfeed videos?
I should get up to pee or brush my teeth or something. In 10 minutes. Yeah.
Alright, alright that’s enough. I’m up.
That was exhausting. I could just go back to bed… no!
Food. Yes. Need some. I can’t believe its already 3 p.m.
Here we go. First meal of the day. I got this.
To the couch I go. Puppies!!! All the cuddles and love! Well I can’t get up now, they’re napping.
They’re all sleepy, now I'm all sleepy. Okay I’ll nap too.
The sun is setting. Why? No. Quick do something productive so your day wasn’t entirely a waste!
Okay I did a thing. One thing. But it was something. At least I didn’t waste the day binge watching Netflix. That could have been disastrous.
And people are getting off work now. I’m not home alone yay! All of that nothingness was tiring. I’ll go to bed earlier and then wake up earlier and do the things tomorrow, yeah!
Sleep. At last. 10 p.m. That’s a reasonable time.
Into bed I go. Well now I’m not tired. I’ll just do the nightly scrolling ritual until I’m tired. It’ll only take 30 minutes at most.
Yep, people are definitely still doing more with their lives than I am.
Gaaah why is it 2 a.m.?!! Freaking. Again.
After a day or two I’m completely over this cycle. I will find a way to be motivated. Not to socialize, oh no not that; maybe later, and most definitely only for people worth hanging out with. But all the laying around and daylight flying by as the weeks drag on is so draining. The first few weeks are interspersed with days like this but there comes a point when it’s too hopeless and unfulfilling.
Pushing through the dread of starting a day bright and early is the only way to get things done. Starting the day before 11 a.m. with ample time to spend in Scripture and in prayer in God’s presence sets the tone for the day way better than spending that time comparing myself to others on social media.
Just start something, anything, while it’s still morning. Once I finish something I set out to do I begin to get energized for the next thing and the next. Before I know it I just crossed four major things off of my to-do list and I feel so much better for it. Just get past the lethargy.
