Things are heating up in the election, and with the momentum that Bernie Sanders' campaign has gained, I think it's time for a wake-up call.
On the surface, Sanders seems very presidential – he's an old, white man who uses his hands when he speaks – and the millennials love him like he's their own cool grandfather. But sometimes, millennials have a habit of taking things only at surface value, as evidenced by their nonchalant reaction to the Superbowl halftime show this year. How did they not see that Beyonce hates police and Coldplay hates straight people?
Anyway, here are some reasons why Senator Bernie Sanders should not be this great country's next president.
1. He wants to make college free.
This is one of the reasons that Sanders is so appealing to millennials; they're either in college, about to be in college, or out of college and feeling the effects of student loan debt. I can see how not being burdened with debt would be appealing, but where is the sense of adventure here? If college becomes free for everyone, then how would you feel the adrenaline rush as you walk across that stage, diploma in hand, thinking about the ways you'll be struggling to get by after you graduate? College graduates would be deprived of the experience of calculating their spending habits for the rest of their lives, just so they can live comfortably knowing that they aren't in debt. It's pure laziness.
2. He has been arrested for protesting.
Recently, it has been revealed that Bernie Sanders was arrested in 1963. Would you want a criminal running the country? If he was arrested for drunk driving in 1963, maybe I could forgive him. But, no – he was arrested for protesting during the Civil Rights Movement! How despicable! It just shows how far he is willing to go for social justice. How far will he take this country?
3. He wants to increase the minimum wage.
This one is just a no-brainer. Why increase the minimum wage? It's called minimum for a reason. It's supposed to be a small amount. The people who work full-time and still live in poverty are just not working hard enough to get that maximum wage. If we increase the minimum to $15 an hour, then what's the maximum going to be? $90 an hour, like an anesthesiologist? Now, that's just ridiculous.
4. He wants to take money out of politics.
Money is what makes the world go 'round. If he expects to take money out of politics, then he's dreaming. We wouldn't even have presidential campaigns if there was no money in politics. Who's going to pay for them? The American people, with their own, hard-earned money for the candidates that they really believe in? HA!
5. He believes most scientists.
A lot of scientists do believe that global warming and climate change exists, but not all of them agree. Nevertheless, Sanders wholeheartedly believes in climate change and would surely like to do something about it during his presidency. How does he put so much faith into people who know so much about science and say that climate change is definitely real? Couldn't they be in league with the Chinese, who made up the conspiracy about climate change just to scare us into subordination? We don't need a president who is so gullible.
6. He won't build a wall.
If Donald Trump becomes president, he has said that he will build a wall at the U.S.-Mexico border to keep immigrants from illegally entering the country. Many have criticized him for this, pointing out that this would be almost impossible to do. But Bernie Sanders isn't even considering a metaphorical wall for immigration reform. If it would be up to him, we would have no wall, no barrier, and anyone who wants to come here could. It would be a free-for-all! It would be like that scene from World War Z where the zombies surge over the border into Jerusalem.
7. He thinks war should be the last option.
Speaking of wars, Sanders does not believe in going to war unless all other options have been exhausted. To him, peace comes first. Doesn't he know that we are in an international crisis with ISIS? Clearly, the solution is to just bomb everybody over there and finish this once and for all. Bomb where, you ask? Just where they are. Carpet bomb, but just on them.
Besides those reasons, Bernie Sanders must not be president because of the “S” word. No, not that one. Socialism. I shudder to think that our country is in danger of becoming a communist nation – I mean, socialist nation.
In conclusion, it is time to get real about this election. We cannot even consider electing a socialist, activist old man to office. Clearly we have some better options: the reality show host, the sleepy surgeon, the Cuban-American robot, the guy who looks like the Zodiac Killer, and the woman who tries to keep up on the kids' new dancing trends. Let's put our thinking caps on and elect a real candidate.
