Picture this: a group of ten American high schoolers two of which are pansexual, three are bisexual, and one is asexual. Now put them in an all-girl high school in Tokyo. This group of students was part of a two week exchange with our sister school and everyone was excited to share their cultures. So we stood in front of the class and answered the girls' questions about America. One girl raised her hand, giggled, and asked, "Do you like American boys, Japanese boys, American girls, or Japanese girls more?”
We all stood in awkward shock, unsure of the most appropriate way to respond.
It got me thinking about a lot of things. Earlier that day the Supreme Court had announced their decision on marriage equality which our very queer group was excited but not surprised about. But we were in a country that was was not celebrating pride. Japan is far more conservative about LGBTQ+ issues, and they are still very taboo with little openness of relationships. So when it was time for one of the pan boys to answer, he blurted out, "I like Japanese and American girls... And boys too.”
That got some confused looks from the girls. And I think that they were less surprised that he could be attracted to boys, and more that he was attracted to boys AND girls (as well as gender non-binary people).
And that is the problem — monosexism, or the idea that you can only be attracted to one gender. This is incredibly alienating to bi, pan, and ace people because it gives them the impression that it is impossible to be attracted to multiple or no genders. There is an overwhelming belief that you can either be gay or straight, and there is no in between. If you are anything else, you are either in the closet or confused.
Monosexism drives the belief that bisexual, pansexual, and asexual people ARE NOT REAL. It pushed those people aside telling them that they are not welcome in either the straight or gay community. For many people- myself included- it makes them feel inadequate because they are neither gay or straight enough. It leads to mistrust in relationships. I can't tell you how many times I've heard boys say, "I could never date a bi girl. What if she cheated on my with another girl?”
(And, of course, girls say the same about their boyfriends). This is not only monosexism, it is also heteronormativity because they feel that a heterosexual relationship is somehow more real, valid, or important than a same-gender relationship.
Finally, monosexism enforces the idea that being LGBTQ+ is a choice. Because bi and pan people could potentially be in heterosexual relationships, anytime they are in same sex relationships, they choose to be and therefore are choosing to be gay. Pretty much all of that thought process is wrong, but it is still the dominate belief.
So how can we change the monosexist mindset? Well it's pretty simple. Here are seven tips.
1. Stop telling bi, pan, and ace people that their identities aren't real. Just stop.
2. Stop sorting people into gay or straight boxes. Doing this results in multi-gender attracted people feeling like they don't belong anywhere and have to switch between two identities.
3. Don't be afraid that your multi-gender attracted partner will leave you or cheat on you with a person of their same gender. It shouldn't matter if they choose a man, woman, or gender non-binary person over you. Moreover, if you don't trust each other, it's probably not a good relationship.
4. Talk about it. Start a dialogue and provide accurate information.
5. Stop thinking that people can choose only to date men or women. It's not really a choice, it's none of your business, and to assume that one relationship is better than the other only enforces heteronormativity.
6. Stop saying things like "hasbian" or "gay till graduation”. You are enforcing the idea that bi and pan people are just experimenting, confused, or lying about their sexuality. You take away the legitimacy of their identity which no one should have the power to do.
7. If you are multi-gender attracted, aromantic, and/or asexual, be proud. Being shameful and secretive about it will keep it taboo and lead to mistrust and misunderstanding.
It never made much sense to me why pan and ace people are always talking about it the same way when they are basically opposite orientations. But it's simple: we are misunderstood and disruptive to a heteronormative, monosexual society. It's time to be more accepting of ALL identities, even ones whose letters aren't always tacked onto the acronym (but that's an issue for another article).
