I can’t stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Anyone’s touch, including my own, disgusts me. I no longer sleep, and the few hours I can are tainted by nightmares that could never achieve the fear of the reality, but which still awaken me in a pool of my own sweat and tears. I fear the courts, strangers, my own family. I can hear the whispers all around taunting me. “What were you thinking going out by yourself so late?” “Look at what you were wearing, you were practically asking for it!” “Maybe you shouldn’t have had that much to drink…” “She probably just regrets it and is now crying rape!” It seems that everywhere I turn, fingers are pointed everywhere but at the perpetrator.
I can still remember the sick look on his face. His hot breath on my skin as he undressed my trembling body. His hands were calloused and rough; he smelled of alcohol, cigarettes, and desperation. His ears were deaf to my pleas. His knees held my legs in place, disabling me from any possible escape. I screamed but the sound was muffled by the hand of that filthy man. The touch of his lips was bitter against my repellent skin. I felt nothing but fear and pain as he entered my body which tensed due to lack of permission. He was done in a second but it felt like agonizing hours under a body that was careless and selfish. I cried after; I still do. Every time I look at myself I am disgusted, and the disapproval society has inflicted on me makes me want to die.
I was out by myself that night because I was overwhelmed. The stress of school, friends – life – had gotten to be too much. I needed an escape so I went for a walk by myself. How was I supposed to know I’d become the prey to a carnivorous creature who refused self-control? It was a terribly hot night so I was dressed for the occasion. I have the tendency to dress up when I don’t feel well – it cheers me up. My skirt was caressed by the wind before it was torn from my body by an accursed brute! My tank top clung to my body seconds before a savage tore it to pieces along with my self-esteem and my will to live. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol and had I drank he should have known better. I do regret it because it was a decision forced upon my unwilling body.
I wanted to die; some days I still do. It wasn’t my fault. How could I have known that as I swam among the stresses of life, a hurricane was headed my way? How was I supposed to know that safety is but an illusion when you’re a girl? How was I supposed to know that a perverse leech would steal my innocence because of what I was wearing?
**If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault please know there is help. You are NOT at FAULT. You are NOT ALONE.
**Here's a list of resources in the Ohio Area:
a. Rape Crisis Programs
b. Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners
c. (419) 289-8085 (Ashland County Rape Crisis Hotline)
d. Ohio Rape Crisis Hotline Listing
