Setting the scene: There is a ripper at SEC headquarters in Birmingham and all 14 coaches are invited.
What is your coach like at the most epic party in the South East?
Gary Pinkel: Missouri -- The Dad
Gary Pinkel is the old, stern, wise dad that has two teenage daughters...he is just waiting for some sorry soul to put a move on one of them. He is quiet, mild-mannered, and never gets mad at you, but at the same time you don’t want to disappoint the man. You can catch coach Pinkel sipping on an Old Fashioned in the corner of the party, not attracting attention in the slightest bit.
Jim McElwain: Florida -- The Hot Head
McElwain is the new guy in the SEC, he is also borderline insane. He is nuts, bat-sh*t crazy, which make him easy to place. Jim McElwain has asserted himself as a dude you don’t want to mess with at the party. I feel as if he goes home to an empty house with 35 cats. A lot like his personality, you will find McElwain drinking a Dark and Stormy at this mythical shindig.
Mark Richt: Georgia -- The Rule Follower
Remember that scene in the 40-Year-Old Virgin when Steve Carell goes out drinking with his friends and he gets a Fanta. That's Mark Richt. For all you Friday Night Lights fans out there, Mark Richt is the closest thing to Eric Taylor you’re going to find. A stand-up, ethical dude whose set of morals would make Tim Tebow blush. You’ll find Richt drinking an O’Douls with a bowl of pretzels at his side as he slips a small bible into Spurrier's back pocket while he is carried out of the party suffering from alcohol poisoning.
Steve Spurrier: South Carolina -- Life of the Party
Speaking of the old ball coach, the poor guy has nothing going for him right now. He resigned from the head coaching position, so I know what you're probably saying to yourself while reading this, “Hey Spurrier is not the coach anymore, what's Shawn Elliott like at this party?” My guess is as good as your's, but I have to show some love to the legend and inform you that Spurrier is the life of the party, funneling any and all liquids down his throat. His favorite party activity is to strut up to Georgia head coach Mark Richt as Richt predictably spills his drink at the mere sight of the old ball coach. Unfortunately, this isn’t 1977. It’s 8:30 p.m. and it is bedtime for the old ball coach.
Butch Jones: Tennessee -- The Tool
Butch is the guy that like to let you know how much he drinks, and he is going to talk a big game. He might start off hot, but just like his football team, he won’t meet your expectations. Butch Jones might unexpectedly drop to all fours and start banging out push ups as the rest of the coaches roll their eyes. There is no bigger hairdo in this conference than Butch Jones. General Neyland is rolling over in his grave when it comes to this fake drill sergeant. Also is it just me or does Butch Jones the kind of guy to go to Dave and Busters arcade alone and hog the Guitar Hero machine? I am pretty sure that he is mid-whammy bar playing Through the Fire and Flames on expert as we speak. Let the kids play Butch, your mozzarella sticks are ready.
Mark Stoops: Kentucky -- The Bore
Let's just say Stoops is anything but the life of the party. Not as successful as his older brother, Bob at Oklahoma, but in his own right, not a bad coach. Yet, it's hard to be a headliner at this party when you're the second-most accomplished member in your family. Rather underwhelming. Coach Stoops' night will probably be done soon, rather than later. Plan on Bob enjoying an Amstel Light or two before calling a cab.
Derek Mason: Vanderbilt -- The Nerd in the Corner
I almost feel bad for poor Derek Mason, without a doubt the least-respected coach at the party. His invitation is more like a certificate of participation; sent more for politeness than because anyone actually wants him there. Expect Mason to get absolutely trashed ASAP. Eventually, he will drink up enough courage to go over to Les Miles to ask him to play cards. Miles will laugh and Mason will return the corner of the room and play Solitaire. The game for the lonely. Mason walks into the party with two 30 racks of Natty Light, avoiding eye contact with every other coach snickering behind his back as he walks in. Sad situation here, Coach Mason.
Bret Bielema: Arkansas -- The Too-Hard Pregammer
In the words of Anakin Skywalker, “This is where the fun begins.” FINALLY, it's Bielema time. Bielema shows up to the party drunk with no shirt on and no intentions of slowing down. Everyone knows he is a sub-par coach who is as stubborn as the day is long, but at the same time he’s a guy you want need at this party. If this whole football thing doesn't work out for Bielema he can return to the planet Tatooine and take up his old job being Jabba the Hutt's personal
By the time Stoops and Butch Jones are leaving, the party is just starting for Bielema who will proceed to do keg stands on the front lawn.
Dan Mullen: Mississippi State -- The Wild Card
Will this guy hurry up and get old already? Dan Mullen is going to be an AWESOME old guy. He has all of the characteristics of a good grandpa, the only issue is that this New
Mullen could pack it in at 8 p.m. and call it a night. But there is a solid chance he is the last man standing
Hugh Freeze: Ole Miss -- The Light Weight
Hugh Freeze comes across as a good dude. Another one of the high school coaches turned college coach who has a unique offensive perspective. Although, even Rebel fans think he can get too cute. Which is why you can always count on Freeze to be the guy who brought Mike's Hard Lemonade to the party. As embarrassing as it is to drink Mike's Hard in a room where Testosterone levels at an all time high, but he has no choice.
Hugh is going to be true to himself. Oh, he will no doubt remind you it is “Mike’s Hard-er” as Saban looks at him with disgust.
Kevin Sumlin: Texas A&M -- The Man's Man
Sumlin is the prototypical “man's man,” a well-respected coach that is coaching in one of the hotbeds of all of college football at Texas A&M. Sumlin spent the better part of two seasons managing the human tornado that is Johnny Manziel. Sumlin only showed up to the party to prove that he could drink his former snot-nosed, brat quarterback under the table. Sumlin speaks softly but swings a big stick. He walks into the party with a 12-pack of Lone-Star beer looking like McConaughey in season one of True Detective.
As I said Sumlin isn’t one for small talk, so if you’re going to chat him up you better come prepared, I have a gut feeling Sumlin is an angry drunk.
Les Miles: LSU -- The Actual Life Of The Party
Did I say earlier that Bielema Spurrier is the life of the party? Well, I lied. Les Miles is the life of this party and it is not even a close call. I think Miles might be drunk all the time actually. I’m not sure, but have you watched any of his press conferences in the last five years? As angry as I think Sumlin would be while drunk, the mad hatter is the complete, polar opposite. Miles might wake up the next morning down the street as he realizes he has drunk texted all of his recruits' mothers. Not a great look, but it is okay because it is Les. If you want to have a good time at this party look no further than this corndog.
Nick Saban: Alabama -- The Barney Stinson
WHISKEY, NEAT. Not much to be said here, want to learn how to be man? Watch Nick Saban. Actually if you want to become a better person in life pretty much try to emulate everything this man does at the party. While the other coaches might show up with a wide variety of clothing, Saban shows up to the party clean shaven, professional and in a suit. Why? Because this party is business.
Everything is business to Nick Saban. It is all part of the process. Also, side note, only speak when spoken to. If you’re going to open your mouth in the presence of Saban it better only be to see if his drink needs freshening up. Capiche? Actually, don’t even talk to him. Saban brought Lane Kiffin to the party, who fetches him more alcohol. Lane is a good dog.
Gus Malzahn: Auburn -- The Try Hard
Malzahn doesn't care what he’s drinking, he’s just going to drink FAST. Really fast. There is a solid chance he has blacked out before one of his players gets another chance to punch out four more guys at a bar. It is all about tempo on the Gus Bus. He even brought an extra sweater vest in case he spills all over the first one, that wanna-be Ditka.
What do you think? Does my list suck more than Derek Mason?
Let me know in the comment section below.
