Aries: Fortune will befall you today. Or you will fall into a fortune. Or you will fall into a hole. The stars are pretty vague. Watch your step!

Taurus: Did you remember to cancel that free trial? Too late. They already stole your credit card number. Next time, don't fall for clickbait.

Gemini: You know what you did.

Cancer: Green is your favorite color now. No, you don't get to argue.

Leo: What's that thing in the back of your throat? No, not your uvula. Further back. Yes, that. Ewwww. Go see a doctor and try not to yawn.

Virgo: You know that feeling you get when you're alone at night? Like someone, or something is watching you? Trust your instincts, Virgo. Trust your instincts.

Libra: An annoying song will be stuck in your head all day. Yes, that one. The popular one you hate but hear all the time. It's stuck in your head now. Sorry.

Scorpio: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, wait- AHAHAHAHAAH no, no, I'm fine, really, it's just, pfffffff BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ah..... whew....

Sagittarius: Your roommate is not who you think. Or even what you think. Sleep well.

Capricorn: The stars have been talking about you behind your back. For that matter, so has everyone else.

Aquarius: One of the Old Gods has chosen you for a very specific purpose. The only problem is we don't know what god it is. Or what purpose. Fingers crossed for a benevolent one.

Pisces: ERROR 404: FORTUNE NOT FOUND.