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Weekly Horoscopes

For all your fortune telling needs.

Jack MC

Apr 30, 2018

Pace University

151

pxhere

Aries: Fortune will befall you today. Or you will fall into a fortune. Or you will fall into a hole. The stars are pretty vague. Watch your step!

Taurus: Did you remember to cancel that free trial? Too late. They already stole your credit card number. Next time, don't fall for clickbait.

Gemini: You know what you did.

Cancer: Green is your favorite color now. No, you don't get to argue.

Leo: What's that thing in the back of your throat? No, not your uvula. Further back. Yes, that. Ewwww. Go see a doctor and try not to yawn.

Virgo: You know that feeling you get when you're alone at night? Like someone, or something is watching you? Trust your instincts, Virgo. Trust your instincts.

Libra: An annoying song will be stuck in your head all day. Yes, that one. The popular one you hate but hear all the time. It's stuck in your head now. Sorry.

Scorpio: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ok, wait- AHAHAHAHAAH no, no, I'm fine, really, it's just, pfffffff BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ah..... whew....

Sagittarius: Your roommate is not who you think. Or even what you think. Sleep well.

Capricorn: The stars have been talking about you behind your back. For that matter, so has everyone else.

Aquarius: One of the Old Gods has chosen you for a very specific purpose. The only problem is we don't know what god it is. Or what purpose. Fingers crossed for a benevolent one.

Pisces: ERROR 404: FORTUNE NOT FOUND.

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Weekly Horoscopes

For all your fortune telling needs.

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This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

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Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

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