Dear Mailman,

I don’t think you know how much power you really have. You hold all the cards. From birthday to condolence.

When e-mail was created it was the greatest thing ever, we would sit around with butterfly clips in our hair trying to navigate MySpace and AIM while listening to Blink 182 and Britney. When we heard that robotic voice saying “You’ve got mail!” it was the most amazing thing in the world. We were special! It was a time in history when e-mail hadn’t really caught on in the adult world. We were those cool kids who were “technologically savvy.” Facebook was still for young people and old people still needed to call their grandkids to figure out dial up. It was a time in history where dial up was still even a thing. So when the computer pinged saying “You’ve got mail!” it was obviously something important. Becky from art class was messaging you about what Nick with the dreamy blue eyes said about you. Or what she swore was probably about you…who cares! You could dress up his words with meaning while simultaneously undressing him in your mind’s eye. Or maybe it was your BFF IMing you to ask if you wanted to go to Blockbuster. These were the days where the phrase “Be kind, rewind” was a very serious platitude. So with all this e-mailing and instant messaging who cared about letters in the mail? If you got a letter it wasn’t life changing. It was either some clothes catalogue or American Girl magazine that you never managed to be able to unsubscribe from. Snail mail? Who cares! I’m fourteen! Life is about snap bracelets and trying to dye your hair with kool-aid!

FLASH FORWARD TO SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL 2012 POOF! BANG! HUZZAH! TIME TRAVEL GUYS!

Me to mailman: is there anything for me?

Mailman to me: No, not yet. *hands dog treat to dog*

Me to him: Why does the dog get mail and not me! Are you sure? Maybe it got lost in the truck or something? I applied to seven schools! Seven! I need to know now! I mean, I know I only sent out my applications a few days ago but THE AGONY IS KILLING ME AND YOU HOLD ALL THE POWER! So can you just re-check?

Mailman to me (as he’s already in the mail truck and has the engine running): Sorry kid, not today.

FLASH FORWARD TO SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE!

Roommate to me: I’m going to the mail room to see if we got any mail!

Me to roommate a few minutes later: Did I get any mail? Did I? Did I? HERE’S THE MAIL IT NEVER FAILS IT MAKES ME WANT TO WAG MY TAIL MAILLLLL!!!

Roommate to me: here’s your mail now shut up.

Me to roommate: okay byeeee~~ (sung to the tune of Frozen)

FLASH FORWARD TO ONE MONTH AFTER I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!

WHY DO I ONLY GET BAD NEWS IN MY E-MAIL? Spam spam spam spam spam. Bank reminders. Student loans. Can I just like un-subscribe from all of this whole being an adult? Why why why? I WANT SOME GOOD NEWS! I will stake out the mail box every day until I found out if I got into graduate school!

These are all of the reasons why the mail man holds all of the power.