The Truth Is: You're Scared Of What You Could Become Again | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The Truth Is: You're Scared Of What You Could Become Again

Excerpt from a journal that only a few will be able to see.

58
The Truth Is: You're Scared Of What You Could Become Again
Tumblr

You’re scared. You’re scared of being left alone; the unknown; the anxiety; the loneliness. Most importantly, you’re scared of the insecurities. They’re the same insecurities that brought you down your high horse and made you into whole different person. It’s the person you’re scared to become again.

You see, you knew when you were knocked off the pedestal, you reverted back to your own habits. You let in the insecurities that knew how to invade your well-being and twist your mental health inside out. They knew how to bring you to your knees. You see, it’s like the insecurities took over and made you a prisoner in your own body. They possessed you and made you into someone you’re not. Every day, you’d wake up and you went throughout your day as if everything was normal. Let me say that again, “as if everything was normal.”

You knew everything wasn’t normal. You were forced to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling for hours to the point where your back ached from being on it for a long time; where your stomach growled with hunger; where the whole day almost passed by. You were forced to pass on your favorite meal because you were full of emptiness and the crippling amount of depression. You were forced to listen to the voices in your head telling you that you weren’t enough, that you’re never enough. You knew it wasn’t true, but somehow, the voices knew how to get to you. At some point, you started to believe them.

That’s how the insecurities, the unknown, the anxiety and the loneliness got to you. You just shut down. You were constantly blacking out. Everything was just a constant blur to you. You were tired; it wasn’t a tired that you got when you wanted sleep. It was a tired that made you depressed. You wanted to be alone. So, you reverted to the voices that gave the most awful, destructive advice. They were like the screams of the damned; horrible and full of grief. At first, it all sounded like hell. But, like I said before, they knew how to get to you. You weren’t a prisoner anymore; you knew what you were doing and you let them change you. Now, it didn’t sound like the most awful, destructive advice, it sounded like heaven to you.

The insecurities; the anxiety; the depression; the loneliness and everything in between—you were scared of them. You called them, the “it's”. All of the “it's” got to you. You were completely under their control. You let them invade your very being and change you. It’s okay because it happens to others, too. You tried to be strong. But, this didn’t last long.

You wanted to get out of the state you were in so you tried to do anything and everything. You started going out. You took those stone cold pills that loosened you up and made you forget what sober was. You had the stench of nicotine mixed with alcohol and your favorite perfume stuck in your hair. You had gotten used to the firm pull of your friends whenever your mini dress raised up or when your shirt lowered to show you obviously didn’t wear a bra. You tried to give yourself to anyone — that guy in the button up or that girl with the red heels who showed you interest. It would either end up with them leaving hickies up and down your body and almost making it all the way or with one of your friends dragging you away because they knew you were too messed up to analyze what was going on. You wanted to get out of your state so badly that you did anything to accomplish that, but you chose the lifestyle of never being sober. You were gone.

You went out more. You began to drink to the point where you weren’t bothered by the thought of the consequences. The stone cold pills were a gateway to your happiness in a way. At some point, you decided that you hated being sober. At this point, you didn’t care anymore. At a certain point, your friends started to be concern with your well-being again when they found you out of it in a closet, taking the phrase "seven minutes in heaven" to a whole new level. Or a whole new low, for you. Eventually, you started to tone it down. You became more aware of everything. But, this became a lifestyle for you. You got used to being at that point where your throat started burning and your head started to get heavy with that spinning feeling. Unfortunately, this happened every time you found an opportunity and damn, were you persistent when it came to taking that opportunity.

Long story short, you’re better now. You know you have a lot ahead of you. You have goals. You have dreams that you’re starting to pursue. You’re stronger now and have a lot of resilience. Your mental health is at a higher level than where it was before; you no longer have to depend on the alcohol and nicotine to cope with the insecurities nor the anxiety nor the loneliness. You no longer crave a stranger's drunken kiss; you no longer wake up fearing the worst when, in the morning, you find yourself with your skirt down or your clothes scrunched up to your waist; you no longer have to have your friends constantly call you asking if you’re okay because they haven’t heard from you for days.

But, somewhere, far in the back of your mind, you know you could revert back to all of that. And you’re scared. That’s why you fear for the day that the insecurities will come again and the cycle will start up again. You don’t want to revert back to that person. That’s why you try so hard. That’s why you try so hard to be productive because you know, you know that it’s a possibility it can happen again.

And you’re terrified.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

15 Mind-Bending Riddles

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

196556
 Ilistrated image of the planet and images of questions
StableDiffusion

I've been super busy lately with school work, studying, etc. Besides the fact that I do nothing but AP chemistry and AP economics, I constantly think of stupid questions that are almost impossible to answer. So, maybe you could answer them for me, and if not then we can both wonder what the answers to these 15 questions could be.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Most Epic Aurora Borealis Photos: October 2024

As if May wasn't enough, a truly spectacular Northern Lights show lit up the sky on Oct. 10, 2024

18645
stunning aurora borealis display over a forest of trees and lake
StableDiffusion

From sea to shining sea, the United States was uniquely positioned for an incredible Aurora Borealis display on Thursday, Oct. 10, 2024, going into Friday, Oct. 11.

It was the second time this year after an historic geomagnetic storm in May 2024. Those Northern Lights were visible in Europe and North America, just like this latest rendition.

Keep Reading...Show less
 silhouette of a woman on the beach at sunrise
StableDiffusion

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of suicide/suicidal thoughts.

When you are feeling down, please know that there are many reasons to keep living.

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

Power of Love Letters

I don't think I say it enough...

460710
Illistrated image of a letter with 2 red hearts
StableDiffusion

To My Loving Boyfriend,

  • Thank you for all that you do for me
  • Thank you for working through disagreements with me
  • Thank you for always supporting me
  • I appreciate you more than words can express
  • You have helped me grow and become a better person
  • I can't wait to see where life takes us next
  • I promise to cherish every moment with you
  • Thank you for being my best friend and confidante
  • I love you and everything you do

To start off, here's something I don't say nearly enough: thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You do so much for me that I can't even put into words how much I appreciate everything you do - and have done - for me over the course of our relationship so far. While every couple has their fair share of tiffs and disagreements, thank you for getting through all of them with me and making us a better couple at the other end. With any argument, we don't just throw in the towel and say we're done, but we work towards a solution that puts us in a greater place each day. Thank you for always working with me and never giving up on us.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

11 Signs You Grew Up In Hauppauge, NY

Because no one ever really leaves.

28220
Map of Hauppauge, New York
Google

Ah, yes, good old Hauppauge. We are that town in the dead center of Long Island that barely anyone knows how to pronounce unless they're from the town itself or live in a nearby area. Hauppauge is home to people of all kinds. We always have new families joining the community but honestly, the majority of the town is filled with people who never leave (high school alumni) and elders who have raised their kids here. Around the town, there are some just some landmarks and places that only the people of Hauppauge will ever understand the importance or even the annoyance of.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments