Sometimes life plants us in the spot where we are meant to spend the rest of our lives. From the first breath to the last, home is defined clearly and the tribe we were meant to find surrounds us from the beginning. Other times, though, we start where we are born and grow up faced with the challenge of blazing our own trails to find the place we were meant to be and the people we are meant to be with.

Throughout the years, I remember seeing others’ tribes and yearning for the connections and interactions I saw between them. So many times, I’ve pretended that the people I’ve chosen for my tribe care for me and have my best interests in mind. I constantly went above and beyond to show affection and did my best to uplift those in my tribe. Reassuring them the consequences they were suffering for the bad decisions they made were yet another stroke of bad luck and had nothing to do with the natural results of their behavior. In private, I allowed myself to see the truth and turned the shame inward – blaming myself for not being supportive in my thoughts and accepting responsibility for not preventing the aftereffects that were bound to come.

I accepted the betrayals and hurtful actions done by those in my tribe and convinced myself that I was defective and sensed I just needed to work harder to be a productive member of the tribe. No matter how hard I tried to be accepted and loved, who I was and what I’d accomplished was never as important as other members of the tribe.

For a long time, I settled. Daydreaming of the day when I’d be an important member of the tribe and would make them proud. I accepted my place in the tribe and complained about it in private but never forced myself to act per my emotions. I wallowed in the shame and sorrow of being an insignificant part of the tribe. For years, I spent so much energy being angry because the members of my tribe didn’t value me or appreciate all the effort I put into maintaining the tribe.

Then, I broke. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and in any other way you can think of. I simply broke. I was forced to see that the tribe I had allowed myself to be a part of my entire life wasn’t there. Those people that were supposed to be there, weren’t. Life explained to me that if anything was ever going to get accomplished, I’d have to do without them. I began to honestly look at the people I’d chosen to allow into my tribe. I decided to ignore the excuses and reasons for their behavior, seeing only their choices. Being honest with yourself, about how people you love and would do anything for, do not feel the same, is brutal. My entire life has been spent trying to convince the world and myself how wonderful our tribe was, yet when I was broken…no one was there. It had all been a facade.

Deciding to walk away from the tribe is brutal. Taking the chance of failing and not having people around you, can be scarier than staying in the tribe and hoping it will get better. Venturing out on your own requires self-confidence and hope for the future. It requires opening yourself up to loneliness and risking exile, from the only tribe you’ve ever known. Standing up for yourself and deciding you deserve better is one thing in theory, but entirely different when forced to walk away. I learned to magnify the little voice inside that whispers “you don’t deserve to be treated this way” or “you should stand up for yourself.” I learned to no longer tolerate disrespect. An enormous amount of time was spent wrestling with the loneliness and fighting the urge to give in and crawl back to the tribe, looking for some sort of forgiveness for trying to break away. In the midst, it felt unbearable. Fear and insecurities come screaming to the surface and demand your attention. You eventually learn to focus on the big picture and not allow yourself to giving into the urge to return. Eventually, the lack of interaction with the tribe brings peace that did not exist before walking away. No longer do you feel as if you don’t belong. You learn to stand on your own and not live in fear. You gain confidence in yourself and your abilities.

After the break, something miraculous happens. Your heart begins rebuilding itself without the cloud of disappointment. Facing yourself in the mirror becomes easier each day. You find yourself being sincere and no longer attempting to convince the world of your worth. Comparisons are now against yourself and no longer against other tribe members. Accountability for thoughts and feelings are no longer something to fear. Honestly evaluating people in your life becomes a necessity and you learn to eliminate anyone who doesn’t provide a positive influence. You begin to see who you can trust and who is full of hot air. Kindness is no longer viewed as a weakness.

Day by day, friends remind you that you’re not alone. Co-workers take time out of their day to make sure you’re alright and predict your needs. Friends show up for lunch or take you to dinner and provide more support than the previous “tribe” ever attempted. Admiration for your strength is vocalized and pride is evidenced in their actions. When you feel alone, a surprise visit from a friend brings a smile to your face and provides a sense of warmth and security. Slowly, the days become easier to get through. Loneliness leads to self-discovery and hope begins to creep in. Fear of not fitting into the tribe to which you believed you belonged, disappears as the fog of insecurity is slowly lifted. Self-confidence begins to emerge and provide the courage to chase dreams long ago forgotten.

Then, it hits you. You’ve got a new tribe. A tribe where you’re valued. A tribe where people are truly happy to see you succeed. A tribe where you can be you and there’s no shame – only love, acceptance, and comfort. Members of this tribe are not related by blood, but by choice. Positions in the tribe are filled by people who choose to love and are not bound by blood ties. The tribe rallies behind you and can see your dreams clearly and are willing to do anything possible to realize that dream. It is a wonderful feeling to find a place in life where you feel as if you belong. A place where it's not a struggle to get through each day and future dreams help bring the sunshine on days that seem dark.

Own your tribe. Don’t allow yourself to live in a tribe that doesn’t value you. Don’t allow yourself to follow someone else’s dreams. You have a voice. It’s an important voice and one that was created to be heard. Find the people that will help magnify that voice, not hamper it. The path may be long, and sometimes lonely, but wherever your tribe resides, it is infinitely better than remaining in a tribe that can’t or won’t see your value. Be you. No more, no less.