“Unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for each other—in other words, they’re using each other as an escape. Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.”
-Mark Manson, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, 2016 (AKA, my new Bible)

When I read (or really, listened, since I have this book on audio) that excerpt from Mark Manson’s book, an anvil landed on my chest and my eyes opened wide, both metaphorically of course. An anvil on my chest would one, hurt; and two, probably have killed me and I wouldn’t have been able to write this.

At the start of a relationship, before the two become a true unified one, it’s probably best for you two to stay in your little bubble of bliss together. If they’re someone you see long-term potential in, ease them slowly into the shenanigans of your life. Don’t start rambling about your dysfunctional family or dive into the details of your recent messy break-up on the first date. These are important factors in your life that your partner will come to terms with and maybe even appreciate (if that ex wasn’t such a dick, this new person would’ve never have a shot with you. ALWAYS UPGRADE PEOPLE!) if they’re worthy enough, but they’re also shaky territory.

You wouldn’t air your dirty laundry out trying to make friends, why do that with a potential partner?

I’m hands-down one of the most transparent people you will ever meet. I’m candid about every part of my life and I can’t do anything bigger than a little white lie even if my life depended on it, so this is hard for me. I never ever know what chunks of my life to delve into with a new person until I’ve already spilled the beans and made myself cringe.

However, as time wears on and you two see more than just mere potential in the other, weaving each other into one another’s lives is paramount. Yes, there’s no harm in (or really anything better than) having a shit day at work or school and wanting to forget it with cuddles and some Netflix. But it can’t always be this way. You and your partner need to care about each other even if you couldn’t care less about the things they care about, simply because it’s something the other cares about. I probably care way more about tanning (I work at a tanning salon) than any guy I’ll ever be with does, but out of respect and admiration for me, they should be there to listen to me whine about some dumbass client not understanding how spray tans work. Just like I should care about my boyfriend’s job or hobbies, no matter how trivial they are to me because they’re the things he feels strongly about. Appreciating your partner for their smile and way down to the root of what brings that smile around is tantamount to a healthy relationship.

But we need to be wary of over-relying on our partners too. They can listen and console, but they can’t always fix, and really shouldn’t have to when your stress is not their fault. This is something I am eight-hundred percent guilty of. We often take relationships and think the two people need to tackle non-married (or any long-term relationship issue exclusive to cohabitating couples) couple problems like they’re married ones. In teens and college students, this equates to putting the world on our shoulders before they’re strong enough to hold it.

We need to find a balance between tackling life with our partners and also learning to combat issues on our own while still supporting our partners in their own battles. Our partners are not our escapes or our saviors, and we shouldn’t be either of those to them either. Being these things for each other in unhealthy, exploitative, and needs to be renovated or shut down.