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Everyone You Know As Various Alcohols

Which one are you?

Claire Zollars

Aug 16, 2016

Gonzaga University

Dentist Brampton

Comparing people to objects is fun… Your arch-nemesis to a rotting sack of potatoes, your best friend to a unicorn, Johnny Depp to a God, that slice of pizza to a cobblestone in heaven... We compare things all the time. But have you ever compared things while drinking? Or better yet- Have you ever compared things to what you are dinking? Through a lot of personal studies (meaning a lot of drinking alone) I’ve compiled a list of alcoholic beverages that match most stereotypical peers. Please enjoy, and drink (and choose friends) responsibly.

Vodka

The ex you always run back to. He’ll be there waiting for you, but you know you’ll regret it

Monarch Vodka

Bad vodka= bad friend.

Tequila

The topless girl running through the streets

Whiskey

A big mountain man that likes to snuggle

Rum

A possibly-homeless guy you met at the bar. Also might be a pirate.

Malibu

Drunk white girl who isn't all that drunk

Pink Drink

A girl who went to Catholic school but is far from holy…ice. Not your favorite, but it will do…

Hard Cider

The outdoorsy girl wearing birkenstocks. Probably from Portland.

Bud Light

Your friend’s lowkey attractive dad.

Absinthe

The tattooed rebel-child who is down for anything.

Fishbowl

Super underage. Just wants a picture of it for snapchat.

Wine

The single girl. Has a great night until she realizes she is single and starts crying.

Champagne

"Omg I'm so happy for you and your engagement!" No, I'm not. I'm just trying to get drunk before lunchtime.

There you have it, folks. Every person has an alcoholic counter-type. Which one are you?

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Everyone You Know As Various Alcohols

Which one are you?

Vodka

Monarch Vodka

Tequila

Whiskey

Rum

Malibu

Pink Drink

Hard Cider

Bud Light

Absinthe

Fishbowl

Wine

Champagne

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There are plenty of obstacles that come when taking care of kids, but it's a very rewarding experience.

1. You get excited when the parents purchase season passes to the pool.

2. You've become friends with the stay-at-home moms in town.

3. You get a chance to eat "kid foods" again.

4. You've traded in your cute purse for a large tote bag.

5. You have at least one car seat in your backseat.

6. Their nap time is your happy time.

7. Lunch time can be a disaster.

8. You have to play the same board games repeatedly.

9. You catch yourself using the same lines your parents once told you.

10. Your "mom-mode" kicks in at times.

11. Your heart melts a little when they do something cute.

You'll never find any souvenirs with your name on it

1. You know you are up next when the teacher pauses while taking attendance

2. When “I’m going to do my very best to make sure I know all your names” is said, it may or may be an empty promise

3. “Wow! That sounds so cool! Where is your family from?”

4. You dread when people ask you to repeat your name over and over because it “sounds so cool when you say it”

5. There’s a 50/50 chance that your name will come back either correct or incorrect at Starbucks

6. People try to find shorter, easier nicknames for you instead of calling you by your actual name

7. When someone famous or fictional character shares your name, you get so happy

8. “What’s your name?” “It’s [name]” “I’m sorry, what was it again?”

9. You’ve pretty much seen every misspelling and heard every mispronunciation of your name throughout your life

10. When you find another person with an “ethnic” sounding name, you both get excited

11. Despite the struggles, your name is pretty unique… just like you

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

Don't Be That Person

1. “Oh, so you/your family are immigrants!”

2. “Is Puerto Rico near Mexico?”

3. “Do you speak Puerto Rican?”

4. “You look too light/dark to be Puerto Rican.”

5. “Do I need my passport to go to Puerto Rico?”

6. “Geez, you are obsessed with your flag. We get it, you’re Puerto Rican.”

7. “Why are you so loud?”

8. “So does your family know English?”

9. “Oh my god, Puerto Ricans are so spicy.”

10. “So did you eat a lot of tacos?”

11. “Are you Mexican?”

Love hard, every day, and never be ashamed.

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