Comparing people to objects is fun… Your arch-nemesis to a rotting sack of potatoes, your best friend to a unicorn, Johnny Depp to a God, that slice of pizza to a cobblestone in heaven... We compare things all the time. But have you ever compared things while drinking? Or better yet- Have you ever compared things to what you are dinking? Through a lot of personal studies (meaning a lot of drinking alone) I’ve compiled a list of alcoholic beverages that match most stereotypical peers. Please enjoy, and drink (and choose friends) responsibly.

Vodka

The ex you always run back to. He’ll be there waiting for you, but you know you’ll regret it

Monarch Vodka

Bad vodka= bad friend.

Tequila

The topless girl running through the streets

Whiskey

A big mountain man that likes to snuggle

Rum

A possibly-homeless guy you met at the bar. Also might be a pirate.

Malibu

Drunk white girl who isn't all that drunk

Pink Drink

A girl who went to Catholic school but is far from holy…ice. Not your favorite, but it will do…

Hard Cider

The outdoorsy girl wearing birkenstocks. Probably from Portland.

Bud Light

Your friend’s lowkey attractive dad.

Absinthe

The tattooed rebel-child who is down for anything.

Fishbowl

Super underage. Just wants a picture of it for snapchat.

Wine

The single girl. Has a great night until she realizes she is single and starts crying.

Champagne

"Omg I'm so happy for you and your engagement!" No, I'm not. I'm just trying to get drunk before lunchtime.

There you have it, folks. Every person has an alcoholic counter-type. Which one are you?