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Everyone You Know As Various Alcohols

Which one are you?

Claire Zollars

Aug 16, 2016

Gonzaga University

Dentist Brampton

Comparing people to objects is fun… Your arch-nemesis to a rotting sack of potatoes, your best friend to a unicorn, Johnny Depp to a God, that slice of pizza to a cobblestone in heaven... We compare things all the time. But have you ever compared things while drinking? Or better yet- Have you ever compared things to what you are dinking? Through a lot of personal studies (meaning a lot of drinking alone) I’ve compiled a list of alcoholic beverages that match most stereotypical peers. Please enjoy, and drink (and choose friends) responsibly.

Vodka

The ex you always run back to. He’ll be there waiting for you, but you know you’ll regret it

Monarch Vodka

Bad vodka= bad friend.

Tequila

The topless girl running through the streets

Whiskey

A big mountain man that likes to snuggle

Rum

A possibly-homeless guy you met at the bar. Also might be a pirate.

Malibu

Drunk white girl who isn't all that drunk

Pink Drink

A girl who went to Catholic school but is far from holy…ice. Not your favorite, but it will do…

Hard Cider

The outdoorsy girl wearing birkenstocks. Probably from Portland.

Bud Light

Your friend’s lowkey attractive dad.

Absinthe

The tattooed rebel-child who is down for anything.

Fishbowl

Super underage. Just wants a picture of it for snapchat.

Wine

The single girl. Has a great night until she realizes she is single and starts crying.

Champagne

"Omg I'm so happy for you and your engagement!" No, I'm not. I'm just trying to get drunk before lunchtime.

There you have it, folks. Every person has an alcoholic counter-type. Which one are you?

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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Everyone You Know As Various Alcohols

Which one are you?

Vodka

Monarch Vodka

Tequila

Whiskey

Rum

Malibu

Pink Drink

Hard Cider

Bud Light

Absinthe

Fishbowl

Wine

Champagne

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This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

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