Complete. We all know how this word works, what it means in regards to mundane aspects of our lives and even in more complex contexts. In the most basic terms, the word complete means having all the necessary or appropriate parts. For centuries, women have been told that men complete us, or that we are not an "entire person" until we are in a committed relationship. Many women don't even consider themselves complete unless they have a crush or someone to put all their energy into. I do hope you'll excuse me if this doesn't apply to you because let me tell you guys, I am so guilty of this. Ever since I knew what crushes were all about and boyfriends, believe you me I was all over it! My major goal was finding a boy and entering into a relationship, totally committed, no questions asked. I fact, I scoffed at commitment issues whether they were portrayed on sitcoms or when one of my friends told me that they were hesitant about commitment. WHY, THOUGH? Commitment was great! Hence why I haven't really been alone since high school. As a rising senior in college, so many things about me have changed for the better and the way I view the word "complete" took a complete (haha I'm not looking for a synonym for that word because its important) 180.
My last boyfriend was the one I consider my first love, because he was fantastic and I wont pretend he was anything less than amazing. However, as the year went on we came across so many issues in ourselves that it became harder and harder to love one another. To protect his own heart, he began to restrict who I was and I tried to accommodate him as much as I could, repressing my own needs and feelings. Eventually I became a completely different person in order to be the girl he thought he needed and my friends and family barely recognized who I was. Whenever we argued about issues that we cared about, I would forfeit in the end because, in my mind, keeping him was more important that standing up for what I felt in my gut to be true. Gradually, I began to resent this wonderful boy who I loved as much as my own family and being in that relationship felt more like a job than anything. I was traveling from my college town to my home town to make the long distance manageable, missing work, auditions, friends' birthdays and time alone to recharge. Long story short, when I finally made the decision to break up with him I had never felt more like myself in my entire life. I feel badly that he is hurting and I wish I could be there for him because he will always have a special part in my life and my heart but it's time to focus on me.
That's when it hit me. I am my other half! I was searching for a sense of being complete in other people when I hadn't allotted time to complete myself. Spending time on yourself, especially in your twenties, to establish your career and a sense of self-assurance is making yourself complete. Complete, complete, complete! Its a liberating feeling to realize that you are fine all by yourself, with your family and friends! Our hierarchy of needs on the most basic level: food, water, and shelter, is hard enough as it is! My roommates and I have been couch surfing and living off McDonalds for the past week waiting for our apartment (that we found at the last minute) to be ready! I'm in no position to think I could handle the level of commitment that I had idealized for so long! So this year I resolved to be completely alone, not searching for anything other than myself! Has it been hard already? Of course! It's just a matter of retraining a mindset that I had clung onto for more than eight years, being the hopeless romantic Disney obsessed girl that I am. This year, I'm focusing on my mental and physical health, my relationships with friends and family, school work and laying the groundwork for my career. If anyone wants to enter my life in a romantic way, they better keep up because I'm not slowing down for them. *snaps fingers and exits in the most sassy way*
