Dear _______________,
I won't say your name because I know that at some point, you will read this. I know that only you will understand what I am referring to, while the rest of my readers will just hear about the effect you had. I do not know if you are the same negative person that you were years ago. I would hope that you have changed and become a person that others would actually want to be around, rather than the negative and manipulative individual that you were. I still think about how you were the last person that I would have ever imagined to be the darkest part of my school experience. The part that I buried and never told anyone. You made it hard for me to trust anyone, even now. You made it hard for me to open up because of a constant fear of getting hurt. I hated you for years. Did you ever realize that? Did it ever occur to you how much emotional/mental damage you did? I've wondered whether I was just one of your many targets, or whether you realized how selfish you were and changed. After all these years, I do not know whether you even realize how much of an impact you had on me.
You showed me that not every individual is nice and caring. You took advantage of my overly nice nature. You knew that I had a pleasing personality, one that involves wanting to be liked and friends with everyone. You used that, manipulated me and then abandoned me when I had no one left but you. I did not have a mean or cruel bone in my body until I met you. You showed me that there are two sides to every individual - which I am glad to have learned when I did.
You stripped me of my confidence and self-esteem. You manipulated me because you knew you were one of my best friends. You found a way to get in my head and make me believe that you could make me better. You made me believe that we were in it together. You humiliated me and forced me to see the ugliness in the world (even at a young age). I revealed my insecurities because I trusted you; you ripped off the bandage and exposed them to everyone else. You let everyone laugh at my insecurities. Others told me to stay away from you, but you had two sides. You could be nice; we had moments where we laughed so much our stomachs hurt. But, you also had another side, one that made me pray the day would end faster. I kept justifying this side to myself instead of ending our toxic friendship earlier on. You pushed me to realize that my happiness, feelings of self-worth and confidence are not dependent on others' view of me. The only view that counts is my own. I would not realize this until years later, but I have you to thank for that.
Your negativity and manipulation pushed me to stand up for myself. I did not understand or realize what you were doing in the moment. Or maybe I did, but I chose not to believe it. Looking back, my anger and hatred for you motivated me to become someone that others could not walk all over (or take advantage of). I did not want to be that sweet, innocent girl who you manipulated. I became someone who could be a b*tch when need be, stand up for herself and navigate her own path, without heavily relying on someone.
Even though I continue to despise you, I thank you for forcing me to learn these lessons. I hope that you became a person who can be a good friend. It's unfortunate that you stooped to such low extents that you pushed everyone (who cared for you immensely) away. I hope that you became more mature, and that you are doing okay. I wish I could say that I wished for negativity to be bestowed on you, but I am not you (or the old you if you have changed). That being said, I wish I could forgive you. I wrote "I forgive you" but asked myself repeatedly whether I actually do. You treated me like absolute crap and I let you because I was so immersed in your whirlwind of manipulation. You used me and then threw me away like a piece of trash. I wish I could be a bigger person and not harbor so much anger and resentment towards you because it's exhausting. It's been years and clearly, I still have much anger. But I am much better; I became someone who could at least smile when she looked in the mirror, instead of hating herself. Maybe in the future, I will be able to forgive you. But I will try and say that I hope you are successful in your future endeavors. That is the most I can say for now.
Sincerely,
Someone from the past.
