Picture this:
It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. The sun is shining, its warm, but not too warm, and the breeze is just right. All of your friends are out seizing the day— be it a picnic, a trip to the mall or just walking around and enjoying each other's company. There is nothing you want more in the world than to be able to join them. There is absolutely nothing you want more than to be out there, in the world, living life and having a good time with the people you care the most about.
But something is stopping you. Something stops you every time. It's someone near and dear to you—someone that keeps you comfortable and someone that holds you back.
Maybe it's a Monday morning, or even a Tuesday. Your alarm goes off for your 9 a.m. class per usual. You roll over and with a look of dread you snooze the alarm. Minutes later, you snooze again, and again and again. It's not so much that you're tired, but something is there telling you that if you get out of bed nothing good will come of this day. There is nothing productive that can be done. You're better off lying there in a puddle of guilt because your most toxic relationship has convinced you yet again to avoid life and its responsibilities. They've convinced you that you're not worth it.
Perhaps you have a paper due at midnight. Maybe a big project due at the end of the week? The hours keep counting down to the deadline but there is nothing you can do. You've already been convinced that it isn't important. You already know that you cannot physically or mentally bring yourself to do it. So, you take a "F" yet again. You're left with a feeling of disappointment. You feel an overwhelming amount of dread but an underwhelming sense of care. Deep down you know that this is important and that you should care, but you can't. It's impossible. You're stuck in the most toxic relationship of your life and it's sucking everything out of you.
You beg. You plead. You try to reason, but with no luck you are stuck. You're stuck inside a spiral of negative thoughts because you couldn't manage to leave the house, go to class, hangout with your friends or do your homework. Things that you know are important and things that you care so deeply about are suddenly pointless. Your toxic relationship has made these things pointless. But who is that toxic partner?
Mental illness. Depression.
Depression is the toxic partner that cannot be easily shaken. It's always there for you, even when you decide you need some space. In fact, it's there for you so often that it becomes comfortable in a twisted way. It keeps you feeling low, right where it wants you.
Depression can be one of your most toxic relationships. It's the person who is always with you, convincing you to do everything that you know you shouldn't. Depression is selfish. Depression is isolating. Depression is relentless. It's one of those relationships that is impossible to let go of, no matter how bad you want to.
It's always there. It's always there keeping you inside. It keeps you away form your friends, your family, your schoolwork, your life, and the real world. It takes away your passion and your joy. It's the kind of relationship no one wants to be in, but the kind of relationship that more than 15 million people are involved in. It's out there keeping so many people from living their best life. It's keeping people from friends, family, and productivity.
In a way, it might seems strange to personify depression, but, it seems like the only way to truly understand such a complex illness. It truly is this awful, nagging person. It's the kind of person who never leaves and the kind of person who only wants to see you fail. Depression is that terrible. It's an awful partner that nobody wants in their life. It's not fleeting and it can't be easily cured. Sure, there's therapy and medication but when you have this person nagging at you to do the exact opposite of that, where are you left?
While I can't say I have found the answer yet, I can offer some advice to be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, depression is that terrible, toxic partner that nobody wants in their life— which is why it's so important to fill your life with positive people. Fill your life with people who can scare away that toxic partner, even if for minutes at a time. Remember that a small victory is still a victory and anytime without your toxic partner is a victory indeed. As isolating as depression can be, fight back. I've found that something as simple as sending a text message can be a huge victory. Sure, it may not be as victorious as being out with your friends but baby steps. Anything to let that toxic partner know that you are strong and that you will fight back. Depression wants more than anything to let you know that you are alone with it and you need to fight like hell to let it know that you aren't.
It needs to be known that that relationship can be cut off. Even if I'm not there yet, there's hope. Your most toxic relationship does have an end—whether it's sooner or later.
