“To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.”
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

I have many things to write about. Many of those things may never make it onto paper. But every so often, my brain works fast enough that I can venture my ideas onto something tangible, something believable. So here it is, one of my many thoughts, out in the open for everyone who is willing to read.

Grace by redemption. Redemption by grace. It's one in the same, but these days, it seems like it's too complex of a concept for people to grasp. For the rare that do, it's amazing what redeeming oneself can feel like when it's in the presence of grace. It's ethereal.

I can't stress enough the importance of my friends and what they have taught me. From my closest girlfriends to those who I can call my brothers, the grace they have shown me flows through my veins, and it is something I might never forget.

If you have been reading my works (as I try my hardest to get an article out every week), you know that one of my dearest and best friends passed away in September. It devastated me. To this day, I wake up thinking about him. I loved him with my entire being, and there was nothing I would not have done for him and that he would not have done for me. But the one thing I hold closest to my heart was, well, his. His heart.

Will Lange. My best friend since I can remember. We were neighbors until we parted ways for college. We were friends, companions, and most of all we were mentors. To each other, we taught one another the meaning of grace, love, and kindness through the means of trial and error. Because trust me, redemption by grace, unabashed love, and pure kindness are rare as it is. But somehow, he taught me how to forgive those who maybe don't deserve it. He taught me how to trust my instincts. He taught me to persevere through the hardest of times. His heart was one of the best I had ever known, and I was so blessed to have had him be apart of my life for as long as he was.

He showed me the greatest kindness during my sophomore year of high school. As he was one of my only friends, I had asked him to my Winter Formal at my high school. And he adamantly refused, because he told me he was not much of a 'formal party-goer.' But after relentless asking, I finally convinced him to put on a button up shirt, and walk into the student center with me. (Albeit, we sat most of the time and talked...)

But that is not what I remember the most about that night. It was his grace, kindness, and love. He was clearly uncomfortable, and clearly would have rather been probably not there, but he was the best date that night that I could have ever asked for. My best friend, was willing to do the thing he didn't like the most, because he loved me. And as I have learned, the worst things in life are free to us, but the best we can do is do what others would do for us. Unabashed love, pure kindness, and redemption by grace. His grace redeemed me, and not because I had done something bad, but because I felt badly. But he reassured me that entire night that we were meant to be there, and we were meant to be miserable at a school dance: together.

My best friend did the unthinkable that night, and I can never properly thank him. I just know that one day I will do the same for him. And I hope he is proud of me.

There is not a day that goes by where I do not miss him, where I do not wish he was here. But all he wished for was peace, and he finally has that. And that is what I want most for him.

I love you forever, Will.

(** This person will be kept anonymous **)

But with everything that's been going on, I can't help but to think of all the times I've done something horrible to someone else, and they've forgiven me. To this day, I take their forgiveness to my heart, and I do whatever I can to live out the kindness that was once shown to me.

Before I knew of my Dissociative Identity Disorder, I would have these three month long spells of not knowing I was dissociated. And someone I hold dear to me, had played a similar role in my life. The only difference between that person and Will, was that this person went to the same high school as me. Well, long story short, I did some very bad things, (isolating myself, blaming them for something I did, avoiding them, treating them horribly), but at the end of the day, they forgave me. I remember that day I felt that heavy weight lifted, and the grace that I was shown has effected me since.

It was a weird day to begin with, but I managed to muster up enough courage to ask if they wanted to talk during lunch. We went onto to the football field, and talked about what had happened. The situation was clear: miscommunication. But I was so far gone into my dissociation that I didn't know what was what. I had told them that what I put them through was absolute abhorrent, and I would completely understand if they did not want to speak to me ever again. I was even disgusted with myself, but I'll never forget the pure kindness they spoke to me that afternoon.

They told me that they could never cut me out of their life. They told me that everybody is entitled to how they feel, and their emotions shouldn't make them feel guilty. They told me that they were just waiting for me to be okay, and that's all they wanted. They forgave me, even though I didn't deserve it. And they told me they loved me.

And it was then, when I was forgiven, that the redemption through grace that I felt had changed my life forever. And I can never forget that.

So... To Will:

I miss you every single day. I wake up and see the figurines you used to paint, sitting in my room, and my heart aches. It hurts. Your mom sent me another one, and just reminded me of how talented you were. Every day, those painted figurines are a clear reminder of you. And sometimes, it feels like it's too hard without you. It feels unreal at times.

But I know you are proud of me. And I hope you know that I'm trying my best. Not for you, but for me. I could have given up, and lived in my bathtub, but there is only one problem with that: That's not what Winter Formal was all for, and stood for the night we mustered up enough energy to only dance to one song. Oddly enough, it was Halo by Beyoncé. And you taught me how to tear the walls down that I worked so hard to build.

You are still one of my biggest inspirations, and I will never forget the love you shared with me that night. It sounds weird to say it like that, but truly, your act of kindness has affected me ever since.

Thank you for letting me be a part of your life. Thank you for being you. And most of all, thank you for teaching me how to love without conditions.

I miss you. And I love you.

To my best friend:

That afternoon you showed me such grace after I had completely taken you for granted, thinking that you were strong enough for the both of us, has never ever left my heart. I give my thanks to you. I owe you everything now.

It was that afternoon where I decided to change my ways. To live with kindness in my soul, and forgiveness in my heart. I wish nothing, but amazing things for you. You've impacted my life so dearly, and I want you to know just that.

I love you, and I thank you.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. And don't be afraid to fail, and fail again. You will rise up, and you will conquer. With kindness in your heart, and forgiveness in your soul, you can begin to grow. Grow. Be wonderfully you. And I promise you, nothing will be able to stand in your way.

Because you are enough. No matter what.

“If I am the phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me"
Gaston Leroux, 'The Phantom of The Opera'