Something tells me that if you’re reading this it’s probably because you drink coffee very often and you’re wondering, “How could my barista possibly hate me?” My fellow baristas and I have banded together to create this list that explains exactly why we hate you, because, odds are, we definitely hate you.
1. Not Saying Hello
If you walk up to the counter we will 100 percent greet you like a human being. Our mood could be anything, but we will still acknowledge that you’re a person with feelings. Usually we will say “Hi there,” or “Hello.” If you respond with your order of "Black coffee" like we’re some kind of machine, you will be drinking decaf coffee.
2. Barking Your Order
This goes along with Number One; telling us your order as if you’re commanding a Jukebox to play a song is straight-up inconsiderate. If you don’t care about our feelings I won’t care how well your drink is made. #notmyproblem
3. Self-Appointed Coffee Guru
Everyone thinks they know coffee, but the plain truth is that you don’t know shit. A wet cappuccino is a latte. A Frappuccino does not have any coffee in it. In fact, it barely has caffeine at all. If you ask for a certain blend of brewed coffee and we don’t have it ready we will smile and respond, “Sure,” give you whatever we have and then laugh behind your back because you can’t tell the difference anyway. If you have the nerve to tell the people who are wearing the uniform and know what they're doing that they made it wrong, we will gladly give you our hat and apron and laugh in your face.
4. Talk To The Back ‘Cause The Face Ain’t Home
Lines suck. It sucks for the customers waiting in line because we know how important each and every one of you is with places to be and people to see. It sucks for the employee(s) at the register because nine times out of 10 the customer falls somewhere on this list and we don’t deserve your ungrateful attitude. But, when it is finally your turn to order, if you turn your back to the register when we’re not finished obtaining all the necessary information to please Your Holiness, don’t be surprised when someone kicks you in the ass because we stuck a “Kick Me” sign on your back.
5. Don’t Touch My Things, You Animal
If we’ve learned a thing or two from working customer service it’s that people are dirty. We cannot stress enough to you grubby-handed animals to please not touch our things. Cups, lids, sleeves, anything behind the counter. We are in the uniform which means we have been appropriately trained to handle these things. You do not need to touch a cup when we ask you what size you would like, you do not need to help yourself to a lid. We will do it. Our hands are cleaner than your soul.
6. Say Please And Thank You, Please And Thank You
Baristas are humans. We are nice humans. Treat us with respect and use your manners and you’ll be amazed at how many add-on charges we’ll “forget” to add to your bill.
7. Not-So-Silent Audience
We don’t care if you watch us make your drink. We do care, however, if you stand there and squawk out remarks. “Is that decaf?” “Non-fat?” “Did you put in 12 extra pumps of flavor like I asked?” Now that you mention it, no it’s not and I hate you.
8. “Excuse Me…” You’re Excused
There’s this thing that employees usually take at least once every shift. It’s called a break. Yeah, we actually leave the café for a couple minutes to eat so we don’t pass out, or to take a walk and scream at the dumpsters because we can’t scream at you. During these breaks there may only be one barista left to tend the herd of helpless sheep pleading for a reason to stay awake. This means that one barista is in charge of completing everything until their coworker returns; register, drinks, food, etc. If you happen to catch us during these brief periods of alone time please practice patience. Leaning over the counter repeating, “Excuse me, I’d like…” will only make us frustrated and will distract us from quickly finishing the current order. Besides, it doesn’t matter what you order while we’re running around frantically; once we make it back to the register we will ask with a big, petty smile, “What can I get for you?” We live for the frustrated sigh that follows because you have to repeat yourself.
9. Long-Distance Order
Speaking of repeating, do not get mad at us when you have to repeat your order five times because you’re standing eight feet away. Do not get mad at us when we ask you, “What?” seven times because you’re whispering. Do not get mad at us when your order comes out wrong because you don’t understand the simple concept of a demand-and-service relationship. You are in control of this situation; it’s your problem, not mine.
10. Are You Sure That’s What You Want?
These people are the opposite of Coffee Gurus. They have no idea what they want and can barely comprehend the basic rules of brewed coffee. Baristas are patient, we will walk you through all the types of drinks available, we will double check that you absolutely without a doubt want a Mocha Frappuccino. But if you become upset with us when your drink isn’t hot even after we explained that a Frappuccino is an iced blended drink, we will invite you to never return again.
11. Complaining Thieves
We are baristas, not babysitters. Do not wander off and return 20 minutes later wondering where your drink went. Do not get angry with us because you took someone’s “Venti Iced Chai Latte” instead of your “Tall Hot Coffee.” Use your brain and get out of my face.
12. On The Rocks
I’ll bet money that you’re really lonely if you order a “margarita on the rocks” at a coffee shop. It’s not funny and we need alcohol more than you.
13. I Don’t Want Your Receipt
A receipt will print with your order. Take it and frame it or throw it away, we couldn’t care less. Please do not leave it on the counter because you’re too lazy to throw it in the trash can six feet to your right. We don’t want your receipt. We don’t need your receipt. Chances are you’ll need it though when you want a refund for your drink because we “made it wrong.” We’ll never get your drink right now, not sorry.
14. “This Is Empty”
Making simple observations like this just dampens our mood. It goes hand-in-hand with everything else on this list; treat us like humans. Oh, is it empty? Thanks for letting us know. Do you want anything else from us or are you going to use your words and ask us nicely to refill it?
15. I Ain’t Yo Momma
For the love of all that is pure and good in this world, please clean up after yourself. I am…disgusted.
16. “There You Are!”
During those periods of time when a barista may be alone, we likely have business to take care of in the back room like dishes, hunting for supplies, etc. When we emerge after less than 45 seconds and you’re leaning over the counter exclaiming, “There you are! I’ve been waiting for five minutes!” don’t be surprised if we treat you like garbage. My general rule of thumb is to never leave the back room empty handed, that way I have something to throw at your head if you annoy me.
17. Don’t Get Fresh With Me
Somehow, after the high demand of coffee every hour, we may run out of brewed coffee sooner or later. Sometimes, you may be the next person in line and will hear us say, “We just ran out of coffee, but it will only take a couple minutes to brew a fresh pot. Is that OK?” If you roll your eyes or huff angrily because, in fact, you do not have time, we will have less and less sympathy for you. God forbid we make it fresh for your sorry ass. It’s not our fault you decided a tall coffee was still important even though you’re running late to work. The way we see it, you have three options: order something else (an Americano is basically the same thing), wait for the coffee, or take your self-importance to the underside of a truck somewhere far away.
