Young, Dumb, and In Love

The feeling when he looked at me was indescribable, like he had never seen something so beautiful before. I was desperate; senior year of high school... college applications, SAT's, prom, and graduation; he caught me by surprise. He was a grown man; white collar job, mortgage due every month, and thousands saved in the bank. I was young, dumb, and in love.

Desperation; a state of despair, typically one that results in extreme or rash behavior. "Extreme or rash behavior," a perfect way to explain my story in a somewhat normal way. So, desperate that a grown man was like a breath of fresh air to me.

The day we met was nothing out of the ordinary… Dunkin Donuts, the perfect place to get away from the crowded halls and de-stress with coffee. I walk over to my usual table and put my stuff down, hearing the door open behind me. The click of expensive corporate shoes grab my attention. I turn around to see a handsome man, no older than 30, dressed in a perfectly tailored suit and confidence rocking his shoulders. Although never having laid eyes on him before, he looked like he belonged here. His voice boomed, “Two medium hot coffee’s please, a dash of milk and save the sugar.” Without realizing, I couldn’t remove my stare from the back of his head, fascinated by his every move. It wasn’t until he was standing in front of me did I realize my mouth was wide open.

“Either that is the longest yawn ever or someone has really caught you by surprise.” He says, smirking, while placing the two cups of coffee down and sitting across from me. “Hope you don’t mind.” He states. Still fascinated, I sit starring. His big hand fits perfectly around the coffee cup, almost like it was a protective sleeve. His fourth finger has no ring, but seems lonely. Small hairs are visible on his muscular fingers... “Well?” My attention is brought up to the man sitting across from me, “Huh?” My voice quivers. He begins to laugh, flashing 32 perfectly straight and white teeth, “I’m Robert.”

It was just a small talk over a cup of coffee so I didn’t think much about it, but slowly it started happening every day. It took me a while to warm up to him, but he had the patience of a saint. He made me feel important and like I had nothing to worry about in the world. Our conversations moved from small talks to solving world problems and I began to look forward to our meetings.

I was young. Too young to know the difference between a conversation and someone coming on to me. As a senior in high school I never had a boyfriend or someone who showed possible interest in me so my inexperience led me to be the perfect teen in his eyes, someone he could truly screw up. To me, he was someone who was there for me all the time, I grew to be obsessed with him. Robert never faltered, he never showed a side of weakness.

I was dumb. I never missed a meeting, running from class just to have another minute with him. I was there for his beck and call; never showing a glimpse of unsureness. I relied solely on his reassurance and advice on all my life situations, including on not attending college. And surprisingly, I didn’t even second guess the decision. My parents never questioned me or cared about my decisions in life, he was the only person I had. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, he explained his job and his six-digit salary and I was convinced. So much money and only two of us, who needs college? To my school, I was a popular nerd, but to him I was his girl. He made life sound like a stepping stone and with him by my side it was going to be a breeze.

I was in love. It took me a short few weeks to realize, but our everyday meetings made my heart skip a beat. Every morning it was easier to get out of bed because I knew I was seeing him. I guess I fell so quickly because he was the only support system I had by my side, the only person who never faltered in my life, Robert was a constant. I was a teen falling in love, but to him another fun game to play.

We had been meeting for 3 months when he asked me to go out for dinner one night instead. I was thrilled when he asked, I wanted to see a different side of him; outside of the corporate coffee breaks. Butterflies jittered in my stomach the whole day, but diminished as soon as I saw him standing at my door. I wore the nicest dress I had in my closest, anything to make me look older. Just like the gentleman that I thought he was, he opened the passenger door for me and hooked my seat belt, making me feel like a child. He noticed when I quivered and he placed his hand on the inside of my thigh, resting like it was supposed to be there. The ride to the restaurant was full of small nervous conversation, but he never shied away from me. Arm in arm I never felt more comfortable with someone; I ignored all the staring in the restaurant and tried to act as confident and grown up as I could. Whatever it took he made sure the night was perfect, making sure my wine glass was always topped up and the waiter had the utmost respect towards me. The conversation never stopped and words kept rolling off my tongue, unaware of where all the questions and answers were coming from.

Originally, I felt silly for liking him so much because there was no chance, he was 12 years older than me, but the night we went out to dinner had changed everything. His age didn’t mean a thing to me, if anything it made me feel safer. We went back to his place and things moved extremely fast, too fast for an inexperienced 17-year-old like me. But, I couldn’t cry; I couldn’t show him I was afraid to be with him, I wanted him. I wanted to be by his side. The risk of losing him because of some pain wasn’t an option in my head so I told him I loved him and he took my innocence...

I was young, dumb, and in love. Now I am young, a mother, and in love. It didn’t take long after that night to realize why I didn’t get my monthly gift or why I was throwing up every morning. I've went back multiple times to Dunkin Donuts to find him, but there's no trace of him. I asked every cashier or regular if they had seen Robert, but it was like he didn’t exist. His name? A lie. His job? A lie. All the stuff he told me? Lies. I fell in love with a liar.

I am young. So, young that the thought of being responsible for my life let alone the life of the baby in my arms is petrifying. I am a mother, a caregiver to a tiny new born with ten fingers and ten toes. And, I am in love. I am in love with her snores at night time and her tiny eyes; she is my breath of fresh air and she is all I will ever need.

****

“Here Zach, another girl screwed up.” I sighed as I handed him over a series of photos I had taken of her. “Good job Mike, I can always count on you to take advantage of the innocent. I’m gonna go sell these.” He smirked as he walked away. This was our business here; we screwed over girls, took photos of them to sell to creeps online and surprisingly, we made a fortune.

This time felt different for me, I’m tired of it. Around 9 or 10 months ago, I fell in love with a girl, but I screwed her up. Originally, she was just another game, but gradually I started to fall for her. I took her out to dinner one night and I knew I was crazy about her, but that’s the night the condom broke. I should’ve stopped and told her everything I was thinking, but the amount of money I was promised was pushing me to continue. I walked away from her, knowing I had just screwed her and her whole life up.

It’s been a while now, but I think about her every day. I have done this countless times, but she’s the one that has stuck with me. The others I don’t even remember their names, but she’s different. She cared. She looked up to me in a way no one else ever has and it made me feel important to her. I remember the look in her eyes when I first met her in Dunkin, I remember how she looked the night I brought her out, I remember how every moment felt perfect. I remember falling in love with her.

“Zach!” I shout down the hallway.

“What’s up, money maker?” He answers, as I see him making his way towards me.

I look him dead in the eye, get out of my chair and say, “I quit.”

I walk over to the elevator and hear him shouting my name behind me, but I don’t care. I am out of this place, enough is enough. I may have a child out there for God sakes, they need to have a father. I make my way through all the busy crowds and walk down the steps towards the train. I ride it for 23 stops and make my way up to the quieter suburban area of Queens. I look across the street to the Dunkin Donuts I was too familiar with and walk over to the doors.

I look through the glass window and spot my girl sipping at a large iced coffee and holding a beautiful baby girl in her arms.