I have talked about previously how it is to have a disability and how it shouldn’t affect how people see me. I am not my disability. I am Nila. There’s one topic I want to talk about that is something that I don’t usually talk about with others. Being an African American disabled girl. This topic is very sensitive, which is why I never talk about it with others. Today, I need to express and explain how my skin color and also my disability affect how people see me at times.

As you know, there have been a lot of hate and race wars going on lately. Every time I see it on the news, it hurts me because I thought we were at the point where we could accept people for who they are, not because of how they look.

We are all equal in God’s eyes.

After seeing those events, I realized how life is different for me as well since I am an African American girl with a disability.

Most people think my life has been easy because they think I have had “special treatment” since I do have to get certain equipment to help me be more independent, I have to certain accommodations, and I get the help I need. The thing is those little things aren’t making my life easy. I have been through things that people can’t even imagine. One of those things is proving myself to people around me.

Throughout my years of middle school and a little bit of public high school, I had to prove myself to my teachers. Most students with disabilities were in separate class from the “normal” students because some students learned a little slower, couldn’t write down notes as fast, or learned differently than the other students.

I knew that it was wrong for people to see people with disabilities as slow and weak. Let’s be real, disabled or not, we all learn things differently. I had to prove every day that I deserved to be in a regular class. I could tell some of my teachers tried to test me.

If I failed a test or quiz, they would ask if I need to be in the class for people with disabilities. If I just needed extra help, which we all do sometimes, they would ask the same questions. I realized they didn’t do that to other students who weren't disabled and weren’t black. I am just going to be real.

I saw how some of the teachers treated people of color differently than people who were white. I am not being racist and like I said before this is going to a difficult topic but they did treat people different by the color of their skin. It wasn’t right and at a young age, I couldn’t understand it.

Some teachers would put people of color in a different classroom that was slower but not at a great level while there were few colored people but mostly white people in advance classes. I was always at the low level and that affected my self-esteem because they would always say the people in advance classes were gifted.

I saw since I was an African American girl with a disability, they didn’t want to give me the chance that I knew I deserved. That day I realized that I need to work extra hard.

I did that each year I worked harder and I wouldn’t stop studying. I would stress out every year because I would focus so much on school, I didn’t realize I was putting so much stress on myself to be this perfect student. When I got ill and had to online schooling, I felt like a failure because I wasn’t able to study and I wasn’t in a public school.

I felt like those teachers in middle school that hurt me and kept asking if I needed to be in the “special class” were right. Then I told myself I wouldn’t give up and I started working harder with online schooling. I lost my friends, I didn’t have a social life but I still worked my butt off.

When I use to fail a test or quiz, I would tell myself how stupid I am and I would cry. My mom would tell me it’s okay it’s just one test. That’s all one test. I would feel so hurt inside because I wanted to prove that my skin color and my disability doesn’t define my intelligence. The question was who will I be proving that too?

My senior year, I worked so much. I applied for colleges, trying to get prepared for that transition, while still focus on proving my worth.

I got into Furman University and all the other colleges didn’t matter me at all! I was so happy because I got into my dream college that’s very hard to get into. I felt like I was actually finally proving those teachers wrong.

When I finally got to Furman, I remember seeing this quote saying Failure is okay if you learn from it. Every presentation about Furman kept saying the same thing. That failure is okay and just learn from it. To me at the time, I was like Furman must be crazy to think failure is okay.

IT'S NEVER OKAY!

I saw Furman had free tutoring, professor office hours, and so much more to keep the help the students me. My pride got the best of me and I told myself I wouldn't be able to prove my worth if I actually get help.

I am saying failure is okay for everything because there are times when you have to see what you are doing wrong so you know what to do the next time.

Later that night I called my mom and told her how I felt about failing. I remember her telling me that the whole time I been working hard and studying I was trying to prove this ghost wrong. That ghost was me. I was my worst enemy.

I allow society to make me think I wasn't good enough to pass just because of my skin color and also my disability.

I allowed those teachers who bullied me for not knowing lesson to affect the way I thought of myself. I allow my jealousy of others to make me be overwhelmed with trying to prove myself. I didn't need to prove myself to anybody.

As an African American girl with a disability, in this time a day, I have to work harder than the next person who isn't my skin color or who isn't disabled. It has been a struggle because I use to deny that was happening but it was. Most people when it came to education or anything really, they saw my skin color or my disability or both and decided I wasn't good enough.

I am a proud black disabled girl and yes, there are times people don't see my worth. They rather judge me instead of giving me a chance. The important thing is I know my worth. I know I am smart and it's okay to get help. I have tutors now for some of my classes because I want to succeed in life. In order to succeed, you have to have help sometimes.

This article is not to make people who aren't the same skin color as I am to look bad but to show how the world works most of the time. I want to be a voice for those who may feel the same way that I do.

I want to prove that anyone can do anything they set their mind to do. Yes, I may have to work a little harder but at the end of the day, my work will pay off. I know I will accomplish my goals. I am proud of who I am as a person and I won't change just because of a couple simple-minded people.