I stood in the mirror and gave myself one last quick look before heading down to the party I had spent the last 6 months excited for. My hair was curled, my makeup done, and I felt so pretty and confident in my new romper and fringe heels. My parent's basement was completely decorated with all things blush pink and gold, and stacks of Jell-O shots sat in the fridge, ready to celebrate my 21st Birthday. I had no clue what was to come later that night, but as I stepped into my parent's basement and started mingling with my friends and taking shots, I was certain I would be having one of the most memorable nights of my life.
Just hours later, the party was winding down and we were about to head to the bars. My boyfriend at the time who is now my fiancé isn't a big drinker, and he really doesn't enjoy crowded bars- he was never much in to the party scene. I could tell he wasn't excited to be moving the party downtown, but he assured me he would come with us to properly commemorate my 21st Birthday. As everyone began to call their Ubers, we waited until last minute to head to our destination. By the time we had finally left the house, the numerous concoctions of alcohol kicked in and in a quick change of moods, I asked to be taken back home. When we got back to the house, I instantly picked a fight with my boyfriend. I knew he really didn't want to go, and even though he was going to push past what made him uncomfortable and do so, my drunken mind couldn't get past the fact that he really didn't want to be there. We fought for a bit, yelling at each other back and forth, before he chose to end the argument by going home… and that's when it happened for the very first time.
Although a few drunken tears had already fallen, they came heavier as my face began to flush and a heat wave took over my body. As I sobbed through each attempt to catch my breath, both of my parents and my mom's best friend came in to my room in efforts to console me. Looking back on that night years later, I'm heartbroken and embarrassed by how I treated them in that moment, but the emotions I was feeling at the time were running rampant and were unlike anything I had ever felt. I called my boyfriend continuously (like crazy ex girlfriend stalker continuously) even resulting in calling his parents (again crazy- I am SO SORRY to my in laws), but in that moment I had no sense of rationale. Nothing mattered except getting rid of that sudden overwhelming sense of sadness and panic that overcame me when he left. His mom woke him up and he rushed over to my parent's house. We sat in his car and he rubbed my back as I took slow deep breaths in to a paper bag for what felt like hours, slowly but eventually catching my breath.
Time passed and life continued on, 7 months after my first episode of panic my boyfriend and I moved into our very first apartment together and I decided to go back to school in pursuit of a degree that I was genuinely so excited about. We got a dog together, who quickly became our spoiled little baby and we were finally starting the life we had always talked about. I genuinely had so much going on in my life to be over the moon happy about, but those moments of sudden panic creeped their way back into my life as a reminder that I had some things I needed to deal with. As I tried to learn to balance going to school, working two jobs, taking care of a dog, and learning to live with a significant other, I continuously felt like I was failing as the same anxious feelings returned. Each day was a new learning experience for me, and with each daily lesson, I implemented it into my life to create a routine that would allow me to survive through all my new responsibilities. As I attempted to make my way through this trial and error period of my life, each and every mishap, inconvenience, or hiccup in my routine instantly brought back that overwhelming sense of sudden doom that I just couldn't shake and I instantly fell into a panic.
Winter 2018 was an extremely rough period for me, because it was in this time that I finally accepted and understood that I was living with anxiety. With each panic attack I encountered, I fell even deeper into that feeling of failure .The most frustrating and debilitating part about it all was that I knew I was freaking out and panicking for ultimately no reason at all, but I had absolutely zero control over it. I couldn't understand why I couldn't process my emotions like everyone else and I eventually fell into a funk of sadness that persisted for months. I was having panic attacks at work, at home, and even at the grocery store. My friendships were suffering, as the anxiety brought on a depression that kept me from wanting to be anything but social. My relationship was failing because I had no clue how to express what I was feeling while at the same time I expected him to be able to take my pain away. My fiancé and my mom continuously pushed me to take steps that would help me to see some kind of freedom from the negativity that had consumed my life, but I repeatedly resisted. As Spring broke, and the sunshine returned I began to see a small glimmer of life before my anxiety… but unfortunately, anytime I encountered things outside of my routine or different from what I expected, the moments of panic returned, continuing to cause havoc in my life and relationships.
When we took a Spring Break trip to Destin that April, I was given the opportunity for peace of mind for the first time in what felt like forever. As I sat on the beach and listened to the wave's crash I thought about the person I had let myself become. I was continuously negative, unhappy, and worried because I had let my anxiety completely take over the person I was, creating a person I didn't even know. I thought about how I had let the person I had become negatively affect my friendships, and how much better I wanted to be for the man I loved, and in that moment I made a decision that I would no longer allow my anxiety to take hold of my life like it had. I had spent so many months completely indulged in the overwhelming feelings of anxiety, expecting someone to make me feel better, when in reality the only person who needed to make an effort to take my pain away was myself. When we returned home, I bought any and every anxiety and self help book I could get my hands on. I tried essential oils and each and every mediation app that the Apple store offered and I made myself available for new friendships while also doing everything I could to restore the ones I had let down. Anything that I thought would allow me the freedom from the negative life I was leading; I tried it, because I wanted and I needed better for myself.
As we approach what will be almost a year to the date of when I made that decision, I can contently say that I am the happiest I have felt in years. Although I don't feel as if I will ever be able to say that I am completely anxiety free, I know that I am a woman of so much strength and I will never again allow myself to be completely held down by the feeling of hopelessness that my anxiety brought to my life during those long winter months. Anxiety disorders are extremely tricky to understand and even more so difficult to cope with, but they are not the end of you. Each morning I wake up knowing that I face the possibility of experiencing panic or anxiety, but I do so without fear because I now understand my strength and capabilities in overcoming those feelings. YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY and I can promise you that when you finally have that realization and the determination to understand how to live a life with anxiety and not a life of anxiety, that feeling of hopelessness will only be a memory. Live your life to the fullest without allowing the things that happen to you or in your life to redefine who you are. The beauty in life is how we overcome our obstacles and allow them to help us grow into who we were always meant to be. Today I am extremely grateful for my strength, determination, and ability to learn to live as a woman in her 20's living, crushing, and loving life- with anxiety.
