From the time I was young I have always had a pull towards being a mother. Rooms full of baby dolls piled high to the ceiling. The twinkle in my young eyes when I see a new born in real life. I knew that one day I would make the best mother.
Growing up as a teenager I dreamt of having a family of my own. I worked hard everyday because I knew one day I can be a role model for my future kids. Depression was a huge key point in my adolescence when I felt like I wasn’t strong enough to carry on or my breaking point was here and at full force I thought to myself of a life that I could bring into this world and how I would make sure that they had everything that I never had and felt so loved they would never have to feel like I did. The thought of being a mother saved me.
In 2018 my husband and I started our journey to bring life into this world. A year and a half went by and about 900 negative pregnancies test later I knew something was not right. I set up an appointment with a infertility specialist. An ultrasound later and a new diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome things became clearer. The constant weight gain the crazy hormones that made me feel like I was on a rollercoaster from hell all started to make sense. The doctor seemed very positive that with some fertility medications I should be pregnant in no time. Needless to say that hasn’t happened yet. 6 months later and still not a single hint of pregnancy is near. In fact not a single hint of ovulating at all is near. My bathroom filled with empty packets from ovulation test that all look at me and scream negative. Beside those test are pregnancy test hoping that maybe my ovulation test are negative because my pregnancy test is positive but sadly both say negative in bold letters.
This past appointment I was informed I may not only have PCOS but now I may also have endometriosis. A double speed bump that is now in my way of producing an offspring. The next step in my journey is to have surgery to clean up the Endometriosis and to have a special dye to open up my Fallopian tubes.
It may seem like my journey hasn’t been long but for me it’s been a lifetime. The thought of having a family once stopped me from ending my own life. The days have become darker with each appointment that tells me treatment haven’t worked. The result has affected my marriage, my self esteem, and my mental health. I have explored my options and have came to the conclusion no matter what the end results are I will always have the option to adopt and that is a beautiful thing. I once wanted a child to give them everything and to give them the love I have always wanted growing up. I was blinded by my own selfishness to clearly see that the children I think could use love are not of my own but of those that are in need of a loving home. There are kids out there that has had it worst then I could ever imagine who longed to be loved and I will be here with my arms open wide when the time is right. I may end up having my own children one day but my experience has opened my eyes to adoption and I can’t wait to start that journey.
The point of my story is if you ever feel like nothing ever works out for you don’t give up you might find yourself down a different road but in the end happiness will follow you just have to be open to change!. And remember you will not be defeated and you are loved
