RED ALERT: Clowns are currently terrorizing the streets of America, and it is imperative that you do everything that you can to keep yourself and your children safe! Just kidding. The so-called "killer clowns" that are taking over the internet and—much to the chagrin of real journalists everywhere—even some news outlets, are nothing compared to the clowns of yore. That's right. I said it. They are mere child's play. Kittens. You wanna know what you should really be afraid of? I'll tell you.

5 Clowns Who Should Strike TERROR into Your Heart

5. The Joker (Batman)

While none of the clown sightings so far have resulted in any kind of harm to those involved, seeing the Joker would almost certainly not end the same. This psychopathic clown leaves a ton of carnage in the wake wherever he goes, and he has a vast array of weapons like razor-edged playing cards, acid spraying lapel flowers, and Joker Venom, a neurotoxin that causes uncontrollable laughter, paralysis, or even death. Although, he's number five because he's mostly concerned with destroying Batman, so he probably won't give you much trouble. Unless you're Batman?

4. Twisty the Clown (American Horror Story: Freak Show)

Twisty is, in my opinion, one of the nicer clowns on this list. He really just wanted to entertain kids! When some nasty rumors started spreading about him, he was driven out of town and tried to make toys for a living out of scrap metal. Unfortunately, that didn't pan out because nobody wanted to buy them. After a failed suicide attempt, Twisty returns to the only thing that ever really made him happy: clownin' around. He kidnaps children and kills their parents. Anyone who crosses him ends up dead. He's super strong—like inhumanly strong—and he's crazy, so just do not approach. But, if you're not a kid or a parent, you don't really have a ton to worry about!

3. Pennywise (It)

Ok, so I know that he's technically not actually a clown, and he's really an ancient demon thing; he takes the form of a clown so that he can lure children and kill them, so I think Pennywise definitely deserves a spot on this list. Confined mostly to the town of Derry, Maine, this clown demon LITERALLY FEEDS ON THE FEAR OF CHILDREN. And also, he kills them. Again, if you aren't a child, not a ton to worry about with this guy, but if you're a parent, probably stay away from Derry. Better yet, avoid Maine altogether. Better safe than sorry, and there's not a ton going on there anyway.

2. John Wayne Gacy (Pogo the "Killer Clown")

That brings us to the first real clown on the list. This guy is seriously the worst. John Wayne Gacy was a Chicago native who grew up to go on a spree of murder and sexual assault. Eventually convicted of 33 murders of teenage boys and young men, Gacy lured the men to his house where he would sexually assault and asphyxiate them, leaving their bodies in the crawlspace under his home in Norwood Park home. He's dead, but seriously who knows what sort of evil he actually committed. It's really creepy to think about, and there's always the chance of copycats.

1. Ronald McDonald

The final clown on our list may not seem like he should be number one, but that's where you're wrong. Obesity is an epidemic and McDonald's may be one of the largest contributors to that. Take it or leave it. Ronald is the king of McDonald's and pulls all of the strings. Search for pictures of him and you will find some seriously disturbing evidence that he is more than a happy go lucky mascot for a corporate giant. Ronald is probably not even his real name. Plus recent news came out that he "won't be making any public appearances because of the recent clown sightings." DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS? He is literally in hiding, waiting to prey on unsuspecting victims. This is a clown to be afraid of, the clown you would never suspect. We need to be vigilant. This is the one you need to watch out for. Trust no one. Maybe avoid McDonald's. Forever.