Sitting in my seat that I carefully selected, I wait for class to start. My chair is perfectly placed so that I can see the board but not the professor, not because she is not nice to look at, but so that I can avoid eye contact in case she decides to randomly select victims to provide their insights in class discussions. I do not want to participate, not due to lack of preparation or motivation, but due to an overwhelming wave of anxiety that sweeps over me as I think about having to bring my ideas in front of the class. It is not that the class is particularly critical. In fact, they probably do not even really listen to my opinions if they are being completely honest. However, I struggle with anxiety that plagues many people, especially college students. I have dealt with anxiety that makes me want to cower under my sheets and hide from the minuscule problems that cause my heart to pound so loud I fear it will burst out of my chest. For years, I have fought to get dressed in the morning and participate in all that life has to offer. Some days are better than others, but my reality is that I will always be battling my mental illness.

When professors require me to speak in class, my anxiety is heightened. Basing part of my grade on my participation in class is asking me to place myself into a situation where gnarly pits devour my stomach, hummingbirds take over my heart rate and Niagara Falls pour out of my palms. My blood drains from my body, making it impossible to think. I drown in my anxiety. I get shaky, nauseas, and light-headed, hindering me from any thought process. I have wasted copious amounts of time trying to recover from my anxiety attacks caused by the fear that I will be forced to speak in class instead of thinking of an answer to the question. I have spent more time hoping I do not get called on than trying to discover the answer to the question. More of my efforts are put into trying to come up with information to spew instead of going deeper into my thought process and exploring more realms and ideas. Some students, like myself, would rather not show up to a class than to sit in a pool of their own sweat, waiting to be called on.

One thing that those of us who are plagued by anxiety are good at is hiding it. Society attaches a stigma to mental illness making it nearly impossible to us to speak freely without embarrassment of the challenges that we face. I feel humiliated sometimes when I think of how silly and miniscule this problem of participating in class discussions may seem to other people. However, it is important that we recognize that anxiety is a life-altering problem for many students. Some professors simply do not understand the stress that they place in students' lives by requiring that we speak up in class. Professors would not be professors if they lived with the anxiety caused by pubic speaking that plagues many students. As an educator, one should care about how this ridiculous requirement they put into place is negatively impacting a student's education. Although I do respect that professors want their students to participate, they do not realize the absurd amount of effort it takes for us to raise our hand and even more effort to hold it there instead of tearing it down in one swift swoop.

If a student is not participating, it is their own decision. People lead complex lives that impact this decision that we cannot see just by looking at their faces. Let those who benefit by talking participate, and those who cannot do that refrain. Professors should encourage discussions, not force, allowing us to fight our battles at our own pace. It is the job of the professor to teach students, not make their students want to throw up. Professors everywhere, instead of expecting me to answer your questions, why don’t you tell me?