I want you to know…

When you don’t come to first period, I no longer worry about what could’ve happened or where you are. It’s just another day for me. Though I will admit that when you don’t show up for a week and then don’t take the test and are exempt from the homework, I wonder what happened. I wonder if you’re okay. I want you to know I considered sending you a text all day. I wondered if you would even tell me if something was majorly wrong, even though we ended on bad terms considering how many countless times we had together because if you texted me you were in the hospital I would be there in five minutes. We may not be friends anymore, but I think a part of me will always care for you. I even ran numerous solutions through my head about how the conversation would go down if I were to text you throughout the day. Though I never physically sent one to you. I started to wonder why I didn't ever text you.

I realized it’s because I’ve grown. It’s because I’ve taken a step back and saw what other people saw. You hurt me before and never owned up to it. You cut me off, and yes, when you don’t respond to many, many messages sent over a 13 day period asking if you still wanted this friendship, then saying that the friendship was over, is considered cutting a person off. Because you don’t say you just didn’t have five seconds to respond when you texted the group chat, checked Snapchat daily and posted on Instagram during your 13-day vacation from this friendship, which by the way is not a thing. From your leave of absence to all the times, you couldn’t have cared less about me or my life, I have grown to realize I am better off without you. You emotionally dragged me through a toxic friendship for six years. Unfortunately, I was never strong enough to own up to it and do something about it until now. Though now that I am, I have two words for you: prepare yourself.

I have apologized for everything I did, from actual mistakes to apologizing for caring and worrying about you. I have initiated close to all of our conversations. I have responded to your texts no matter what they were. I have consistently been there for you through everything no matter what it was, and you even admitted that. Though you never returned any of it, and now I am just tired.

I am emotionally tired and mentally drained. I have worried, cared and done anything you needed. I have put my life on the backburner for you. I have put in months of constantly trying for this friendship and caring more about you and what you needed than myself for too long now. Most importantly, we have fought for too long now. Everything I said turned into an argument even when I said I just wanted to talk or I don’t want to argue. You could say I’ve reached my breaking point, but would it necessarily be considered a breaking point if I’m not broken, angry, upset or frustrated?

Right now, I want you to know that I’m no longer tired from what you did to me. It’s been over a month since our last goodbye, and I’ve taken this month to move on. I have had time to think about what happened and look at it with a clear mind and nothing has changed. I know what you did to me, and now I am strong enough to admit I deserve better. I can’t promise you I will still feel the same way in a month from now, or even a year from now, but I will leave you with this: don’t wait. Don’t wait for me to come back or for me to fight for this friendship like I have always done before because I want you to know that as much as this might hurt, I just don’t care anymore. You made the mistakes, and I suffered from all of them, but I’ve accepted what you did and moved on. I have nothing about our friendship to care about any longer.

We had some great times together, and if this wasn’t a toxic friendship I would’ve let those have been enough of a reason to continue to fight for you. But it was a toxic friendship, and they weren’t enough to save it. I realized you always denied my opinions and feelings, so you probably never accepted the fact that it was barely a friendship, but I hope that if you see this it will now get through to you. What you did to me was cruel, selfish and taxing, and I’ve had enough.

I ended it for me. I realize it was the first thing I ever did in the friendship that was for me and not you, so it might be hard to accept or understand. Though as much as I don’t care anymore, I hope one day you will understand why and what our friendship truly was. Not because you deserve it and not because I’m hoping you will come back and fight, but because in general, I care about you as a person. I don’t care enough to ask if you’re okay or go out of my way to see if you’re happy, or even care anywhere close to how much I used to. Though if you were to tell me you’re sick, I would say I hope you feel better soon. If you were to tell me you were sorry, I would say you should be.

I’m not turning back. I made a decision because it was best for me all around, and as I wish we would’ve had a friendship that was actually considered a friendship, we didn’t. I don’t believe anything can change that. I don’t know what you believe, but from past experiences you’ve never proved me wrong, so the little bit of hope I would’ve had of you fighting for our friendship is gone now. I’ve moved on for the better and I hope you can too, because right now if you were to fight for this friendship, I don’t think I would come back. I’ve realized I’m happier and less stressed out without you. I never thought I would say this, but I’m better off without you. I always was, just like everyone else said, but I was too oblivious to that fact to accept it. Now I’m not, and now I’m proud I’m not.

I want you to know these things I never got to say because you were too busy cursing me out or calling me names to let me speak. You were mad, and it was your way of lashing out, but I’m not talking about the breakup. I’m talking about the two weeks leading up to it where you talked to everyone except me, cursed me out every morning and didn’t congratulate me when I made the LSU Marching Band. I’m giving you the chance to hear what I have to say, not because you deserve to, but because I deserve to. For the entire friendship, I was left in the dark. I never had the chance to talk about something good or bad in my life. I never had a chance to say thank you to a friend because not only were you not a friend, but you never did anything for me to say thank you for. You were never there for me. You wished me good luck twice out of seven years worth of performances and races. You never congratulated me on anything besides getting into college. You never responded to my texts when it was important. You never listened to me. You never apologized for what you did to me. You never…it’s sad how many possible endings this could have.

This is why I’m done.

I don’t care anymore, and I don’t care if you ever learn to accept or even understand that. I left, and now I’m happy. I’ve experienced life without being your punching bag, and it’s a lot better.

I’m not turning back.

This is goodbye.