When I was younger, I would pull out any excuse in the book to be allowed to meander down the dusty, tree-lined lane that led to my aunt's barn. I would spend hours upon hours sitting on old, wooden tack boxes, letting the hairy lips of horses nibble away at the peppermints in the palm of my hand. I would walk up and down the aisle with a well-used broom, sweeping away every little speck of dirt from every little crevice, just so I wouldn't have to leave. I was simply the happiest little human in the world. I had found the place that made my heart beam. It never even crossed my mind that those days could end. How could it? How could I ever know that the love I developed for those animals and that place would eventually turn into something that would rip away at my heart for years to come.

Some nights, I find a cozy spot and flip through old pictures on my laptop from way back when, and I smile. The days when my legs barely reached the stirrups evolved into my skinny chicken legs jetting past the knee roles on all the saddles, my body beginning to stretch out as the years went by. Those were the days I most certainly took for granted, and will never get back.

Other nights, I sit and wonder if it was worth it. All the late nights, early mornings, falls, laughs, blood, sweat, and tears. All the years.

Even after a series of unfortunate events and the closure of my most favorite place, I never gave up on riding horses. I struggled with finding consistency, but hope still burned inside -- the hope that I would indeed end up back in the saddle again. That everything would work its way out in time, and I would be okay again. It was the thing I loved doing most in this world, so it never even dawned on me that my riding career could be over. I lived in denial for a long time. I just never dreamed the fire would burn out. But it did. It did.

I'm no longer antsy with excitement when someone offers me a horse. Before, the news would have sparked the biggest grin on my face, but my weary mind automatically expects the worst now. I know better; my naivety has worn off. I've learned that it probably won't happen. I know there's a good chance I'll get sucked in for a couple of weeks until everything is ripped out from under me again, leaving me worse off than when I started. I've also learned the toll that repeatedly being let down like that can have on a person. It has rooted a fear deep inside that I now have trouble shaking. Distancing myself from that part of my life has been my only relief, yet it is something that no one else seems to understand. No one seems to understand how tired I am from trying to stay optimistic about it all.

I often times think about my past and I question whether, if given the chance, I would want to grow up the same way. If I didn't fall in love with horses as a little girl, I wouldn't be so heartbroken now. I wouldn't have to look away every time I drive past a pasture with horses out. I wouldn't have to actively hold back tears every time a friend or family member asks me how I've been doing and, the question that is always attached to the first, if I've been riding. I wouldn't have to nod my head and force a smile when they have a horse story they want to share with me, already preparing to change the subject the second they're finished. I wouldn't think about horses or riding horses every single day of my life. My heart wouldn't hurt so badly.

I always snap out of it, though.

I owe those animals for transforming me into the person I am today. The good years, the years of riding, laughing, and loving the life that came with it, most definitely outweigh the not so good years of struggle and disappointment that followed. I could not possibly wish all of that away. Horses are a significant part of my past. I don't know if they'll even be a part of my future, but I do know I will survive if they aren't. I have so far.

So, for now, I take one last whiff of that ever familiar scent that has become a part of my helmet, gloves, and half chaps, and I find a place for them in my closet with all of the other knick-knacks I had when I was younger and couldn't part from. For now, I close the door and walk away from it all.

Until next time, my old friends.