Two weeks ago, my writing career experienced an anomaly. I wrote what might be, without a doubt, the shittiest article that I have ever written. It wasn't funny or insightful in the slightest. At first, I thought that maybe I was just finally gaining an audience. I was wrong. I was horribly wrong.

Inspired by my newfound success, I put a lot of work into my article for the next week. It was...not as successful. That's when I put two and two together. My first article was advertised with a picture of a conventionally attractive woman, my editor.

This has lead me to the assumption that you people will literally click on anything if it has an attractive woman in it. And hey, you know if one of the people who clicked on the article because of that. I'm on to you, you horny bastards. What, where are you going? No, come back!

There, I got your attention back. Now, we really have to talk about the problematic implications of this behavior. This is complete and utter objectification of- Hey! Hey! Pay attention.

I resent you so much for making me play this game. That's it, I'm done. No more of this. I refuse to sacrifice my artistic integrity just to get some clicks from some lonely, basement dwellers who...Are you unzipping your pants!?! No, no, no, no, no, don't do that! Please? Oh God, I'm looking away now. Looking away now.