Would you believe me if I told you that you weren't meant to have everything you were blessed with forever?
There are some people, some situations, some experiences that touch us in ways that change our outlook on life...that make us pause and thank God for the happiness that fills our days. That make us pause and reflect on how we got to where we're currently at in life, unsure or confused.
It's not easy for me, like most people, to talk about or reflect on how life used to be when I thought things were and would continue to be perfect, but what I was really living was life in a mirror where all I could see was all that I had ever seen and been around. And I was trapped. When I was finally able to break that reflection of how I thought life would be for me, it ended up shattering the perception that everything would be "okay." I felt like my view would never be clear, or at least never like it had been.
When I was sixteen I entered into my first "real" relationship. It lasted about five years and molded me into the young adult I became and still see glimpses of today, three years after we ended our relationship. Sometimes I find myself thinking back on those times I was completely alone and wondering if this would be my life. Being in a long distance relationship, I traveled a lot, and sometimes I would sit out on the porch that was contained in the apartment we stayed at in China and look into other apartments, seeing people going about their daily lives. For some reason, memories of observing other people living out their lives stuck with me. I think I did that because I felt like my life didn't have a sense of normalcy.
It's hard to explain nostalgia, because sometimes the memories you reflect on aren't the happiest ones. Sometimes those memories are the same ones that left your gut wrenching late at night because you felt lost and alone, and those memories are the same ones that make you hold tighter to the ones you love today.
Moving on in a new chapter in my life with my fiancé has been rewarding in so many ways, partly because I finally feel ready to experience something I didn't all those years ago. But I can't say I don't think back to those days and remember acutely how I felt and how those years changed me. I feel protective towards 19-year-old me. I was a young adult, but still a child young at heart and in spirit. Even though those memories are hard to replay in my head, I feel a sense of gratefulness for what I have and who I have in my life today.
I suppose my take-away from these memories is this: sometimes we experience loss greater than we could imagine and we feel like we can't get back up again. We can't crawl, we can't even breathe. But somehow we manage to persevere and within that strength a new hope is born. It doesn't happen right away and sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes to find that courage again. I hope this can encourage those who are experiencing change that feels threatening and uncomfortable; there will be a time when you're ready, when you're strong and when you're able to take on whatever has you down at this moment.
