Okay, we have all been there, a breakup, a fight, a loss of a job, some type of random setback. So what do you do? Do you gravitate to the people who will console you and make you feel better right? I am no different, I do the same thing...I mean, after all, I am only human I have needs too. But it seems like I get the same advice over and over "You have to be strong." What the hell does that even mean? Like why do people even say that? YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TIRED OF HEARING IT, let's explore today the psychology of that phrase and why it is driving me crazy.

First and foremost I want to quote Lily Velez in her article Why Being Weak Is Actually the Key to Becoming Strong , she stated this:

It was then that I realized that in my efforts to be strong, I had been denying myself the very feelings I’d wanted to experience all along. Too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges, inflating ourselves up to be proud people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own. We close ourselves off to feeling anything in the name of self-preservation. We distance ourselves from emotions that by all means scare us because of how weak, vulnerable, incapable, or unable they may make us seem to our loved ones. However, it’s only through allowing ourselves to embrace that weakness and it’s only through allowing ourselves to feel those daunting emotions that we invite love into strengthen us.

I could not have said this any better. In her case she was talking about loosing her father and the whole issue behind that. But in my case, obviously I am talking about my love life. I am beyond sick of everyone telling me "You just have to be strong, you will get through this a better person." You know that is like telling me that hey you have cancer that is killing you but you just have to be strong and fight through this. It seems innocent enough and many people think that is just what you have to do when someone is hurting. But the reality is, no being strong is the WORSE POSSIBLE THING TO DO! When I "act strong" I am essentially just bottling up all of my emotions and throwing them into a dark corner of my mind, just to try and forget that it is there. But then something comes along, that stupid bottle has to fall from that hidden place and slowly roll into the light, usually in my case years latter typically it is some stupid insecurity that I have and now I am being forced to deal with it. Years of being strong have added a whole wine ceilar to my mind, full of "just be strong you can make it through this crap" memories. This latest setback has really taken it's tole on my soul. Though my friends and family try to be encouraging it's not really, they echo the same thing over and over, "be strong you will be okay eventually". That is just the thing, I am not okay, I wont be okay, because this experiance IS NOT OKAY!

I am reminded of one of my favorite songs Between you and I by Every Avenue "Maybe it's all for the best, But I just don't see any good in this, no. Maybe we'll find something better, but the lovers that leave us will always hold the place ." See we all have scars, we all have been hurt and we all experiance things differently. For me I build armor and shut people out when they hurt me. It doesn't matter what you do to hurt me, if you hurt me I will in a small way block you out and guard my heart from ever trusting you again. Recently, I had to explore why the hell I do this to myself? I mean don't we all make mistakes? It makes me feel like I am being closed minded and shallow. So after some reflection I started to realize, well shit for me being strong was equal to me just shutting all emotion down and hiding it. Never letting anyone know that I was in pain and silently suffering on my own. Typical Picese.

What sucks is now that I am older and I have exepriances true happiness, when things hurt...they really fucking hurt (sorry for the profanity but it is to emphasise the point). The kind of pain that feels like someone punched you through the heart and blown a hole in your chest. My best friend sent me a quote and I would like to just share it at this point because it is fitting:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

That is how I am feeling at this point, ripped apart from the inside out and it makes me so mad, if I am honest with myself. Maybe it is because I feel the pain of all the pain I have not dealt with for so long, maybe it is just the loss, maybe it is because I am just utterly tired of being strong all the time. "Be strong" they say, what a joke.

I am literally struggling to make things work at my house. I can bearly keep the lights on, I'm depressed all the time. I see nothing but pain everyday, I chain smoke because I like the sting, it makes me feel alive. Ever day i contemplate just ending shit, every day i look in the mirror and see a failure. I see this fat slob that I dont even recognize anymore. I use to be something, I use to be brave, I use to be strong, I use to not give a single fuck, I use to look at dudes who played games and made them feel like shit. It was like I was a warrior goddess back then. Battle after battle taking it's tole, now I am slowly bleeding out with each wound. I have so many arrows in my back I can't keep fighting the battles anymore. A lone warrior, in the middle of the field slowly dying. I hate myself, I hate how weak I really am if we are being honest. I am not strong and it stings every time someone says, "oh your so strong and brave." There is no coming back from this pain. Because it is like someone slit my neck. I am just standing here clutching my neck desperately gasping for air. But none comes and in my final thoughts, I am just sitting here thinking. Fuck how could I be so dependent on anyone. How did I let this stupid person in so close. You fucked up Megan and now your dying because of it. Your heart is going to stop now. Your going to die. You just need to accept the reality and just gracefully go to sleep.

Of course this is all in my mind and how I precieve and understand my pain, I can be a bit dramatic in my own mind but that is okay because you don't have to understand how I process things, I shared this so maybe in reading this I can help you about understanding what "being strong" is really about, because honestly I was doing it all wrong.

Being strong isn't about putting up a shield and cutting people out of your lives. Being strong is taking a hit and fighting through that pain. Being strong is realizing once your heart is broken, it will always be that way you don't need someone to fix you because in your imperfections you are perfect for someone. I am a broken hot mess right now. That is okay, I love myself becuase guess what from the figurative death of my warrior goddess, I found the real me today. The real me is alive, the real me is in pain, the real me is weak and most of all the real me is beautiful. So when your loved ones come to you for help, when they are dealing with death and loss try not to tell them they need to be strong, because guess what it is okay to be weak.