I'm sure we all know what it's like to be humiliated...and that its even worse when its by someone you deeply care for.
I recently found a way to give trust to someone who didn't have it from me...for a reason. Haven't you ever given someone chance after chance, when they didn't even deserve the first one? And I'm sure you called yourself stupid, just as I did, when they proved you right.. It hurts because even though deep down you knew they didn't deserve your trust, you were believing that somehow you could bring the best out in them..that maybe they could care for you half as much as you care for them and respect you enough to be trustworthy.
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And so there it is...the rude awakening. It hits harder than you ever thought something could...It rips through every part of you and leaves you stripped of everything. As I stood there staring at the person who just entirely humiliated me...I could feel my face get red, I could feel the heat of tears filling my eyes and blurring my vision and I felt like dropping to the ground. I felt so alone because I was staring at a person I clearly did not know. If I had just been looking the other way for just a minute more I would have avoided this humiliation. And I wonder how many other times there were that I missed. That makes me even more ashamed...Wondering how I could be so stupid. But for myself and those who give others these chances, those who wrong us are stupid for taking advantage of us! For pushing us to our last straw. For thinking we deserve so little.
But maybe it was silly for me to expect monogamy. Human minds just don't work that way. My brother told me, "The jealous/monogamous/clingy/possessive brain is always trying to fit square blocks into round holes" and maybe that is true.. Another reminded of why we all need to learn to be genuinely happy, alone. We have come to think people are lesser when they are alone. But being someone who is confident and entertained and fulfilled and HAPPY with myself is the person I long to be! I never want to give my all to someone who doesn't deserve it. I never want someone to have the power to humiliate me the way that I was humiliated.
There's no reason to ever feel like you're not enough because you are more than enough. You are everything that you are, how could you want to be anything else? It hurts to see someone wanting something that isn't you, but YOU need to want you..not being your own first love is something you may always find regretful, but its never too late to fall in love (with yourself)
