To the person reading this,

Maybe your friends are always telling you what an awful person your boyfriend or girlfriend is, but you keep telling them (and yourself) that they just don’t understand. Maybe you’re crying after another fight and you’re wondering if this all worth it, and then you immediately feel bad for saying because you can’t imagine your life without him or her. Maybe you just broke up, and even though it’s not the first time, your heart is shattered into a million pieces.

Let me tell you, I understand and not just in the cliché “Oh yeah I get what you’re going through.” But I actually lived through all of these things. I dated the same guy on and off for 4 years. The longest we ever dated consecutively was a year and half. The rest of the time we were “basically dating.” We acted like a couple and went on dates and said “I love you.” But he also went out with other girls. Maybe you think I’m dumb, but I thought I loved him and I just knew that under his tough exterior, he loved me too. Why else did he keep coming back to me? I shared those tumblr posts about how “If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back.” I prided myself on being that person to always love others no matter and put them first. Honestly? That was all a bunch of bullshit.

I don’t want to talk bad about my ex. He’s honestly a great person in a lot of ways. We’re still friends and I would feel comfortable recommending him to any of my friends to date, but our relationship was bad. We did not work well together and it left with a host of self-esteem and trust issues. Today, I’m in a much better relationship with the love of my life. I have never felt so secure and happy, and sometimes I forget that I haven’t always been this way.

I’ll see pictures and facebook statuses of girls who are obviously unhappy with their boyfriends, and I almost get angry sometimes. Why are you with them?! Oh, you still love them even after they treat you like that?! Then, I stop myself and remind myself that used to be me. So, if you’re one of those girls and you’re reading this, I’m not judging you. I don’t blame you. I don’t think I’m any better than you. But I have definitely been where you are, and found a better place, and I just want to you to understand exactly what you deserve. Take it as you will, but here’s my advice to you:

Stop Justifying His Bad Behavior

This was the biggest problem for me, and I think it’s a natural response. We don’t want to lose the person we love so we ignore or justify anything that could cause trouble. “Yeah, he’s distant and hateful a lot, but he’s going through some stuff.” “Yeah, he cheated on me, but he knows what he did was wrong and he apologized and now we’re stronger than ever.” I’m not saying that couples can never get over cheating, because some can and that’s so awesome, but it’s also easy to just let your partner do whatever they want as long as they say they’re sorry.

When someone’s really sorry, their actions change and not just for a few months, but for forever. In my relationship, after every major fight or break up or affair, things would get better, maybe even a lot better for a few months. Then, they would start to slip back to the way they were. My friends would point this out, and I would say, “No, they’re so much better than before the break up!” That might be true, but just because things are better than they were before, or better than your last relationship doesn’t mean they’re the way they should be. If someone loves you, they won’t hurt you. If you find yourself constantly crying over your partner, there’s something wrong. Don’t make excuses for that.

No, Fighting All the Time Isn’t Normal

I hear a lot of people say “You’re going to fight no matter who you’re with” or “Couples who fight the most love the most.” Please don’t believe this. It’s totally normal to disagree with your partner, to get annoyed or frustrated with them, and to even have the occasional argument, but fighting all the time is not normal or healthy. Before when I was upset, I would try to tell my boyfriend but it would always ended with me feeling crazy and needy and overly emotional until it got to the point where I just didn’t tell him. In my new relationship, when I have a problem I just tell him and then he apologizes and asks how he can fix it/ what he can do to keep it from happening. I do the same when he comes to me with a problem. That’s how it should be.

Your Friends Can See Things You Can’t

I lost a lot of my friends because of my high school boyfriend. They would always tell that he was awful and going to hurt me and it did nothing but make me angry. Part of this is because your friends only really see the bad stuff. They’re the ones helping you through the breakups and fights. They don’t see the sweet, loving moments where you guys are dancing in the kitchen. They don’t feel the way he hugs you after a long day. Here’s this person who has made your life so much better, and they only focus on how he’s hurt you. That’s also because they’re not blinded by that love. They’re not afraid to lose him, so they don’t make excuses for the way he treats you. They see things way before you do. Listen to them.

You WILL Find a Better Relationship and Be Even Happier

If you’re anything like me, even as you’re reading this you’re thinking of reasons it doesn’t apply to you. You’re getting defensive. You’re asking why I can’t just mind my own business and be happy. I do not blame you. I hope you know that I sincerely hope and pray your relationship works out. I don’t want it to end bad so I can say “I told you so.”

But I have been where you are. And you can say, “Well, your relationship was different.” Maybe so, but also don’t do what I did. Don’t lie to yourself because deep down you’re afraid of what will happen if you lose him or her. Don’t stay with them just because you don’t what you’ll do without them. I talk to a lot of girls whose boyfriends have treated them like absolute crap and they still want to get back with them. “I don’t care what he did. I love him. I can’t live without him.”

You can live without him. More importantly, you will. And one day you will find someone who makes you way happier. I know that sounds impossible, but hear me out. My first boyfriend asked me when I was 9. I told him I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16, so he waited for me for 7 years, loyal as ever. Any time he did something awful to me, I reminded myself of this. I told myself that him waiting for me meant he was “the one” and that this was just the rough patch of my own Notebook.

Yet here, I am. A year later. In a relationship, better than any Nicholas Sparks movie. I found someone who loves me, supports me, holds me when I’m panicking. I came so close to never having any of that, all because I was afraid to leave a bad relationship. I want better for you.