Post-freshman-year anecdotes are like the kid at the Christmas pageant that sings really loudly and even more off key. You know him. If you can’t picture him, then, sorry pal, you are that guy. He’s a staple at every single concert, recital, musical, et cetera. Basically, if grandma is videotaping, he’ll be there. His presence is expected, yet dreaded; however, somehow this broken canary is actually one of the most anticipated elements of any formal gathering. He’s the Necessary Evil of the performing world of 11-year-olds, and these end of the year reflections are his college-kid parallel.
You hate yourself for giving in, but you can’t resist.
It’s a time of milestones and mistakes decorated with first real job, first whiff of freedom, first real opportunity to mess up, first real opportunity to make a sizable difference, and so on. As I was trying to come up with my very own unique, cliche reflection, I found myself carefully weeding through all of the moments that made me nostalgic for a dorm room and cafeteria food. There was that time I met the roommate who would become my second half; the class that opened my eyes to an aspect of my faith I had never been given the opportunity to explore; the late-night IHOP runs and the last beach day. But in between all these Instagram moments were the memories that are actually the ones that more accurately describe your freshman year.
Or should I say, haunt.
We like to pretend that the honorable moments are the most defining moments, but we all know that's not the whole truth. Do you think that your classmates from high school will remember you better as the one who was awarded Best Overall Student or the one who walked through the school in a fur coat, was mistaken for an armed intruder, and nearly triggered a lockdown? For some unspoken, undefined reason, the human race has decided that there are certain things to be embarrassed of. Some of them kind of make sense (messy sneezes are kind of humiliating because now your DNA is virtually everywhere, and that's disgusting). But why is tripping up a flight of steps at the Oscars cause for blushing? It’s actually kind of hilarious. Most of us are fortunate not to have our bloopers on live television, but no less guilty of committing similar blunders. The only awkward thing here is the fact that we don’t talk about these things; rather, it’s just understood that if you are walking down a long hallway and don’t nail the perfect nanosecond to look up and greet the only other person in that space, it’s gonna get weird. What these kind of Expectations for an Unobtainable Dignity keep us from are countless moments of sharing the one thing that make all of us human: our inherent tendency to screw up.
The sad and honest truth is that you’re awkward, too. This probably came as news to you, but you don’t honestly believe that you have never been the cause of a sudden shudder by a mere passerby who witnessed that weird thing you just did, do you? If you think about all of the moments you have wanted to disappear into the floor, you will begin to gain an appreciation for all of those who had to endure your pitifully human moments in agony-ridden silence.
In a world that tells you to to hate yourself when your body randomly reverts to preschool level motor skills and you suddenly adopt the social skills of a beach towel, it’s easy to believe that you are the single source of All Things Cringeworthy. When you're the one who just accidentally kissed the mayor at your graduation because you're Italian and forgot that the rest of the Western world doesn't roll like that, you'll forget that sometimes politicians shake with the wrong hand and unholy words slip out of the mouths of priests. Regardless, the reality of awkward is that it is an all-inclusive party, no invitation required. So as you bumble your way through life, remember that they’re laughing at you because they did that same horribly awful thing just a day ago.
Instead of resenting the awkward moments, I challenge you to embrace the cringe. Yes, that thing you just did was weird. But weird is not a value statement; rather, it is the mark of a true, bona fide human. Awkward is genuine because though nobody plans to forget the basic rules of grammar when addressing a superior, it happens. There's not enough time on the clock to worry about how that sounded or what this is gonna look like, but there is plenty of time to acknowledge the cringe, laugh a little, and let it go. When you start to live unashamed of the uncontrollable, you will begin to see the people around you become free to be comfortable in the skin they showed up in.
Sing loud, proud, and in whichever key you chose, pageant kid.
*This article is dedicated to the three soccer dudes who definitely watched me drop out of my hammock but were cool when I joined in the laughter. Cheers, soccer dudes.
