Promises as empty as his bottle of liquor. Warmth as cold as a mid-January evening. Deceit as clear as water, but disguised and exposed as the tide would come and go. Breath thick with smoke and full of lies. Words watered down to nothingness. Fabricated stories. Faithless feelings. Filtered thoughts.
I spent far too long comfortable instead of happy. Too long being the second option, too long in the dark. But everything reveals itself in time. The secret messages, pictures, plans, girls, decisions... they revealed themselves. But I learned to shut my mouth when I thought something was wrong. I shut my mouth when I didn't agree. I shut my mouth when I wanted something because I wouldn't be heard anyway. I shut my mouth because you'd threaten to leave if I didn't learn to be quiet.
Too many nights were spent ruining my makeup with streaks of tears and feeling like I had lost my sanity. I spent far too long forgetting that I need to love myself. I lost too many hours of sleep. I worried too much. I covered that I was hurt. I didn't want you to see how unhappy you truly made me. I thought it was temporary. Temporary unhappiness... A phase, maybe? Something that you just had to get through and I'd still be waiting for you at the end. As long as it was us in the end.
But it wasn't temporary and it wasn't a phase. It was you. It was me. It was us. Our relationship. It was unsteady, inconsistent, and unbearable. But I was too afraid to lose you. I was manipulated into thinking this was love. I didn't want to explain my scars and reveal the dark corners of my heart to someone else. I was too unsure of myself to expect that anyone would love me more than you could, so I stayed. I thought I was bigger than your problems. I thought I could help you. I thought you could be better.
But I wish you would've let me go sooner.
I grew increasingly tired of arguing over the same things. Of your drunken raised voice. Of showing up just to be told to leave. Of sending you things without receiving a thank you. Or surprising you to have the door shut in my face. Of calling you to get no answer. Of important things in my life being looked past. Of not hearing from you for weeks at a time. Of hearing you talk about traveling and never once with me. You never fought for me, you never stood by my side, you never had me like I had you. It took me too long to understand that this couldn't be a relationship, it couldn't be healthy. It couldn't be the love that lights people up with joy. Whatever this was, wasn't worth my present and it wasn't worth a thought of my future. I grew so tired of living like this, that when you let me go, I cried less at the thought of losing you forever than during any minimal fight we'd ever had.
You did what I was too afraid to do. And when you did, I ran.
I didn't stop running until I found true happiness. I grew up. I focused on myself. I am happier than I have ever been. I found out that a guy doesn't determine my worth and he doesn't control my happiness. I discovered sides of myself that I never knew existed. I realize now that there is someone that would love to know every inch of me. My broken heart has given me the glow that I always thought love would provide. That glow has come from a newly gained sense of independence and a self-love far stronger than anything I've ever felt.
