Soon, you'll be turning twenty, which means you're officially an adult; obviously, at eighteen you became an "adult", but turning twenty means you're no longer a teenager. Soon, you'll be turning twenty and you're still trying to figure out if you've even figured out yourself at all. You're damn good at figuring out those around you, but when it comes to yourself, you come to a dead end more often than not. It's like going into your Intro to Philosophy class during the unit on the existence of a higher being and having all of your thoughts in order for about five minutes, but after that, you don't have a clue what to think anymore. You thought you had your beliefs set straight--you thought you had you set straight--but now you're more confused than you were in the first place. Everything turns into a complex web of thoughts that keep getting more and more tangled, and it's less problematic if it's left alone for a bit so that it can sink in.
Soon, you’ll be turning twenty and you feel like you should have your life together a little bit more than you do, despite the fact that it’s been slowly ripping by the seams for the past year. Soon, you’ll be turning twenty but you feel like you’re still in your fifteen year old self: hearing mom and dad fight endlessly into the night, just like they did when you were in high school. And middle school. And probably elementary school too. Again, they say they’re going their separate ways, but this time, they're going through with it. You feel as though your pounding migraine has finally eased up ever so slightly at the news. You feel relief, though a bit guiltily.
Soon, you'll be turning twenty, and you think you can see a small ray of light at the end of the tunnel, until everything begins to go downhill at a rapidly increasing speed. Your mom snags a boyfriend faster than you can say divorce, and you’ve been hardly able to talk to, let alone have a relationship with, anyone for the past few years. Is there something wrong with me? you think to yourself, unable to understand why this is happening, though really, you know it's your own insecurities that are keeping you from opening up to anyone.
Soon, you’ll be turning twenty and you feel the worst about yourself than you ever have, and everything about your appearance is reflecting that feeling. You no longer care about having your self-named, “Blair-Waldorf-on-a-budget" look, but you throw on the first thing you see now. Soon, you'll be turning twenty and you have the bags of a fifty year old under your eyes because now, you cry until you have no more tears to shed, and fall into a sleep that's almost always interrupted with nightmares. Your naturally light hair gradually gets colored darker, until it’s black, contrasting so highly with your already pale complexion that you look ghostly, almost transparent. You feel nearly transparent: you feel as though you are no longer living, but simply existing. Soon, you’ll be turning twenty, and you’re not sure if you even possess the willpower to make it to twenty.
And then you turn twenty. You make it to twenty, and things change. But some things don’t. You’re twenty now and you’re still thinking about whether or not the questionable revenge you got on your ex-boyfriend three years ago was a punch thrown too hard and too low. But you wanted him to feel the pain he caused you, to know the trust issues you now live with, so what you did was a justified act of vengeance. Right? Right? You can tell yourself this argument is valid all you want, but deep down you know, you know and you can no longer deny, that you were wrong. Suddenly, you're twenty and it's now resonating with you that that's why the relationship was never fully rekindled afterwards, despite the fact that you two were Ross-and-Rachel-dysfunctional even at the best of times.
Suddenly, you're twenty and you've now successfully changed your major four times, but this time, you're confident that this is the right fit for you, or you're at least hoping against hope that it is. You're twenty, and you are becoming more desperate by the second to find your place in this world, and you weren't prepared for it to be this damn hard. The grounded part of your mind is lecturing you on the importance of stability, sternly telling you to be a professor, or a lawyer, or anything that will make you six figures a year or close to it, but your untamed, unconventional side is screaming at you to be an actress, to be a musician, a philosopher, a novelist, or to join the Peace Corps and you are exhausted from being pulled in every which way.
Suddenly, you're twenty and you realize now that you are a tiny, tiny fish in a vast, seemingly endless ocean: the thought of this is terrifying, yet intriguing and refreshing.
Suddenly, you’re twenty and by this point, you've experienced enough pain and loss to realize that perhaps actually having and showing emotions isn't something to be ashamed of; you now take very much to heart the words Professor Dumbledore once spoke to Harry in the Order of the Phoenix: "this pain is part of being human...the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength." You’re twenty now and you are finally able to realize that your ability to feel so deeply is not just a curse, but a blessing too. You are beginning to truly value the beauty of kindness, forgiveness, empathy, and unconditional love.
Suddenly, you're twenty and although you're jaded, you still carry around a piece of that innocent, fifteen year old girl with you. You're no longer a cynic when it comes to love--a bit skeptical--but hopeful, really.
Suddenly, you’re twenty and it dawns on you that life is much the same as the northern lights: both are intangible, delicate, mysterious, and beautiful; yet, it can be frightening to those who are scared of the unknown. It can be gone in the blink of an eye, passing by so quickly that you hardly had the chance to experience it in its fullness: the pain, the loss, the tears, the suffering, and the sorrow, but also the love, the friendship, the laughs, the hope, and the things worth fighting for.
You're twenty years old, and you are now able to appreciate exactly what it means to be alive.
