I have a problem. Well, I have many problems, but I’ll just tackle the one. I really enjoy hijacking other people’s Tinder accounts. Phew! Glad that's off my chest. I don’t know what it is, but I get a real thrill out of donning my friends' voices and seeing how overtly ridiculous I can be until someone hits "unmatch." I once heard a voice in the night say, "I feel like God when I'm swiping through Tinder." I then replied, "ok, goodnight Grandma." Indeed, Tinder does set some people on a bit of a power trip. I am one of those people. If your average Tinder user is a god, then I am a Tinder Titan. In my many moons of Tinder fun, no one has allowed this to go on as long as my friend Danielle. One evening after a few too many sleepless nights cramming for finals, Danielle informed me that she had recently downloaded Tinder. Well, we all make choices, and Danielle was about to regret this one. I seized her phone and began to speedily swipe right, with no regard for whom I was swiping.

Danielle resisted, but Olivia, her roommate and my personal lover (no, not really… well that’s a story for another time), cajoled her into allowing us to take the reigns on her account. Soon I had amassed hundreds, nay thousands, nay TENS of matches. Olivia and I sprung into action and began to have the strangest conversations with boys who thought they were talking to a cute blonde with an affinity for coffee, or so her bio states. Our goal was simple: weird people out to the point that they unmatch Danielle. Surprisingly, this took longer than anyone would have expected. As you read the following conversations, play a little game called “when will he stop responding;” it’s fun and interactive! The following conversations are all real and unedited. Some guys try way too hard for pretty girls; little do they know that Olivia and I are on the other side of the phone making strange dinosaur noises. Enjoy!

A note on formatting: anything indented and in italics is a comment from me in retrospect. Danielle's (meaning Olivia's and my) messages are in bold. Have fun.

Conversation 1: Curtis, a man who kindled a flame on a stove

D:Curtis!

C: Yes

D: The stove is too hot! How dare you leave the stove on. You burnt three yesterday. I am saddened.

The whole stove fire was something I just came up with because an ambulance zoomed by and I thought there might be a fire somewhere.

C: Huh I’m so confused

D: The smoke is confusing but you started the fire Curtis.

C: No, smoke comes before fire so technically I didn’t

I'm not really sure what he was going for here, but usually smoke accompanies a fire. If you start a fire, wouldn’t you be around for the smoke that “comes before” it? Curtis oddly does not understand fire.

D: You did this
D: Curtis
D: CurTis

C: I’m so lost

D: Curdis?
D: Curtail
D: Coat rack?
D: Thank you, come again

C: What exactly do you want

D: That’s a loaded question Crudités

This was some of our finer work.

C: What would it be if I asked to have sex?

Jeez Curtis, so blunt. Be a little more gentle. I AM a lady after all. Well, not actually, but you get what I mean.

D: You have it. It is it you seek? It could be if seeking is what you eat. I’m a cabbage. Are you kimchi?

This message was constructed using the predictive feature on the iPhone; I started with the word “you” and then just picked one of the three suggested words a bunch of times until I had a full message. It’s actually kind of poetic.

C: You are confusing me. And I don’t like it to much.

D: Too

I had TO.

C: Yes I know I used the wrong too

D: Do not
D: Pass go
D: Do not
D: Collect $200
D: Do not
D: Start a fire in the kitchen with the stove, Curtis.

Back to the whole stove thing...gotta keep the motif integrated.

C: This is getting annoying do you want to talk or not

We then liked that message which is represented by “💚”

C: So is that a yes or no

D: Yes
D: I’m a humble woman
D: I only have 3 sheeps to give
D: But I have love

C: Then can we just talk and not do whatever it is your talking about

That was the wrong your/you’re but I had already corrected him on to/too and didn't want to damage his ego TOO much.

D: This is real. This is me.

This is a reference to the hit single entitled “This is Me" from the Disney Channel original movie Camp Rock.

C: What is

D: This!

C: Okay

D: D: I am woman!

C: That you are

D:

C: Hot haha

D: Curtis, that is a man.

C: Oh never mind then
C: It would be hot if you did it tho

Wow Cutis, keep it in your pants!

D: Curtis, this is a safe space. I am here for you. I have put out the stove fire.

YES, the motif did in fact come back. Will it come back again? We will see.

C: Okay, I may be slightly turned on idk why haha

WHAT!?

D: It is because I am you, Curtis.

C: Huh

D: I knew you’d say that. I said that once.

C: Your cute

Please Curtis, learn the difference between your and you're.

D: I have a door
D: It has two sides
D: There’s a mirror on the front
D: Every time I look into it I see your smile
D: I walked into the mirror
D: Today

C: Haha that’s kinda funny

D: I am still inside

C: I’m inside as well

D: Is it cold?
D: Because I want my blanket
D: It has a moose on it

C: I’ll be your blanket and make you warm inside😉

I think Olivia, Danielle and I all simultaneously vomited, which spurred the next message.

D: There are no toilets here.

C: I don’t need a toilet

D: I am in desperate need of a toilet.

C: Why

D: Think. Use your noodle Curtis.

C: I have two noodles if you know what I mean

No Curtis, I don't know what you mean.

D:

C: Ewww no

D:

D: YAS
D: I like cat

C: I’ll pet you cat

I'm not sure what he meant by "you cat." Could this be an even worse form of your/you're? Just not even adding an "r" at all? Or did he actually mean "you cat" because then he was talking to a feline and must add a comma after "you" so that we know he is addressing "cat." Grammar clearly isn't your forte, Curtis.

D: No

C: No why

D: You may pet my salamander

C: You have a salamander

D: I have many of it

C: Okay

D: Not okay

C: Why

D: Why not? Why not take a crazy chance?

This is a reference to the hit single entitled “Why Not” from the Disney Channel original movie The Lizzie McGuire Movie.

C: Is this sexual?

D: I have never done sexuals.

C: I have
C: It’s quiet fun

Quiet or Quite?

D: I don’t believe.
D: It only works if you believe.

C: I believe

D: In magic? In a young girls heart?

I’m not sure if Curtis caught it, but this was another musical allusion.

C: Nope idk.

D: I thought you believed, Curtis?!

C: In sex

D:

C: Huh

Some time passed.

C: Ho
C: Hi

D: Curtis!

C: Yes that’s me

D: The stove is too hot! How dare you leave the stove on. You burnt three yesterday. I am saddened.

This is when the conversation went from good to great— as we began simply resending our messages from the beginning of the conversation.

C: Haha sorry my bad
C: Hi hi hi hi. I turned the stove off today

D: The smoke is confusing but you started the fire Curtis.

I guess the stove motif was too much to handle because this was when we finally lost poor Curtis. Well, you know what they say: if you can't handle the heat from the fire you started on the stove, get out of the kitchen.

Conversation 2: Jason and the oats

"Jason and the Oats" would be a phenomenal band name.

D: I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need
D: Oats

It was around Christmas time.

J: Kinda random I guess, shouldn’t be too hard to find though

D: That was a lie. I need something else.

J: Ok what?

D: It is much more complicated than oats.

J: I can handle complicated

Then you are Danielle’s type of man!

D: In the small town of Canada, there is only one supermarket that sells the oats I require. I need these oats. Every morning when I was 5 until I was 5 and ¾, my mother would make me these oats. They have properties. The oats. They have them. The properties, I mean. This is all. I want them all. Every last oat and its property.

Olivia and I frequently argue over whose genius gave birth to this magnificent paragraph. It was a joint effort really.

J: Don’t think Canada is so small

Calling Canada small was problematic, but calling it a town piqued no concern? Jason didn't seem fazed whatsoever by how bizarre these messages were, but he also didn't seem to be playing along. It appeared as though he was taking this request quite seriously.

D: Canada is a small village. I am sure of this.

J: Where is this small village?

D: D: See?

As if this is somehow helpful.

J: Huh, so it’s on the east coast?

WHAT? Did he gather that assumption from the plane flying from India to what appears to be South Carolina? The point here was to show a map of the entire world. This obviously flew right over Jason's head like a plane from India.

D: Ok
D: Can I count on you to obtain the oats?

J: Still a little confused

D: Jason, I must be honest. I need the oats. It is all I want for Christmas.

J: I have no way of getting them, so I’ll need a plane.

D: Don’t you have one? Your profile shows you in an aircraft, yes? Hmmmm?

In fact, his profile did have a picture of him piloting a plane.

J: It’s short-range, and I left it in LA. Didn’t say I need a pilot, just said I need a plane.

You left it in LA? That's a shocker. Doesn't everyone bring their short range aircrafts to college with them?

D: Go get a plane. And then get me my oats! You are my only Christmas! You. You are. My only. Christmas. Mine. The only one. You.

J: I’d like to help, but do you know anyone who has a plane. Also need a more detailed map of this village

D: D: What more do you need?
D: You are so demanding. All I’m asking for is oats.

In this scenario, Danielle has no concept of geography or what the word “demanding” means. Will this scare away Jason? Probably not.

J: I’m just asking for directions, but some honey would be nice

Was that flirting? We still don’t know.

D:

J:

D: Those are them! Yes. Find them!

J: I did, they’re on your phone screen right now

Did Jason actually think Danielle would be able to eat those oats straight out of the GIF?

D: I cannot eat one single oat like this. I need my real village oats.

J: I’m going to need to know more about this village. Also, is it out of Donald Trump’s reach?

I guess this was an attempt at humor. It was not funny. It is still not funny. 2/10 Jason.

D: It is a village. I’m not there. They have oats. What more do you need?

J: I’m not there either, I need to know how far it is, I need a way to get there, and it’d be nice if finals weren’t a thing

Original, Jason. You don’t like finals? How very controversial!

D: Finality is a virtue.

J: But final exams bring unnecessary suffering

D: You

J: What about me?

D: You can get it together for me. You can do that for the first half of the day before I get a job.

Again, I used that good old predictive language feature. It produces pure poetic masterpieces.

J: Get what together?

D: THE OATS.
D: the oats.
D: t h e o a t s.

The progression here was intended to go from a scream—"THE OATS"—to a whisper—"t h e o a t s."

D: So have you ever had a good oat? And I mean a really good oat?

J: I can’t say I have, is it that life changing?

D: I wouldn’t know. I’ve always had oats.

J: Have you ever gone without them?

How is this conversation still going on?

D: No. Never. I am of the oats.

J: I wonder what would happen if you didn’t have them one day

D: Is that a threat? Are you threatening me and the oats?
D: The oats!
D: THE OATS!

Now here, "the oats" is intended to get more intense, staring in a normal tone and ending in a scream.

J: No, it’s not a threat, I’m just curious

D: Curiosity killed many cats and several oats.

J: But without curiosity there is no progress

D: Curiously killed curiosity.

J: How could you kill curiosity with curiosity?

D: Look at the spellings of the words. They are different words. Different words I tell you.

I guess we were really hung up on semantics at this point. Moving on...

J: Right, but to do something curiously, you need curiosity, do you not?

D: Enough of these mind games. I did not ask for this.

J: Sorry, what else should we talk about then?
J: Because this all started with a mind game

D: A mind game? A game? A mind? No no. No games. I just really want oats.

J: I know you do, but I’m unfortunately trapped on campus. Is there anyone in the village who can send them?

D: No.
D: It’s small.

J: Then where did you get them in the past?

D: The village.

J: Do you live in the village

D: No, I live on the South 40.

For non-WashU humans, the Village and the South 40 are two separate residential communities on campus.

J: Haha, so were you talking about the Village at WashU this whole time?

D: Oh Jason you have so much to learn.

J: I guess I do

Several days passed.

D: GO GET THE OATS
D: GET THE OATS

Unfortunately, there was no response. Unlike Curtis, we actually go to school with Jason, which makes the end of this conversation pretty sad. Will Danielle ever find someone to get her some oats?

*The title is a reference to a lyric from Ke$ha's hit single "Timber," which is not from a Disney Channel original movie.
**A name was changed for confidentiality purposes.