It's been a year since I've seen your face. It's been a year since I've heard your voice. It's been a year since I told you I loved you out-loud. It's been a year since the worst night of my life...
So much has changed since I've seen you. I've dealt with so much without you by my side. I did things that you would never think I could do. Things that we talked about doing, I did. Things we talked about not doing, I did them anyways. I've changed since I've seen you. You would be proud. But a year without you made you miss a lot of my life. Even though you'll never be able to read this, I want to remind you of all of the things you have missed in my precious life.
If you were still here, I wouldn't have gotten two tattoos for you. I would still be the chicken you knew me as. You always laughed at me when I told you I wanted tattoos because you didn't think I could ever sit through the pain. During my first tattoo, I sat through it. I cried for a little but I was reminded you would be standing there with me. The idea of getting a second and the only thing I could think of was to get another for you. I couldn't help it but I miss you so much.
If you were still here, you would know that I've dealt with a broken heart more than once. You always told me that I shouldn't be treated the way that I was. I never believed you until now. I'm happy you taught me right. I never trusted your thoughts then because I was scared of being alone, but I have never been happier. Broken hearts can be healed and when you don't find the right one, you know. You also taught me that.
If you were still here, I would still hear you trying to coach the NY Rangers and Yankees through the TV. Now it's my turn when I am watching the Little League World Series or just driving past a softball field. We loved softball but I can't play without you there. I've been to a few college games because I know you would drag me down there even though I don't play anymore. My heart wasn't with it anymore due to the lack of motivation that you would usually give me. It was how we bonded and got mad at each other constantly. At the end of the day, we cherished the game more then anybody I know.
If you were still here, I would still see you on the couch at 3AM while i'm getting a bottle of water from the refrigerator. How many times have I stopped to just vent about how stupid my friends were or that my boyfriend at the time was annoying me? And then after our conversations, you would question why I was even awake. It's the little things that meant most.
If you were still here, I wouldn't have to express myself through an article or a Facebook post. Days go by where I question why this had to happen to you. Us. Me and mom. I have no explanation. I don't believe in a lot anymore. Good people should stay when the bad shouldn't. You deserved to win the battle. You were strong and never gave up. And that is what you taught me.
If you were still here, I wouldn't understand the quote, "living life to the fullest." I didn't know how important this was. Life is fragile. Anything can happen at any given moment. Life can change from the good to the bad, perfect to imperfect, positive to negative so quick. I remember when you went into the hospital. I felt like my world flipped upside down. Ever since you passed, I've went through so many obstacles to make sure I am living life to its fullest. I did things I never had the guts to do but I did it because life may take a turn someday.
It's been a year since I've seen you. I miss you like crazy. So many things have occurred since you've passed and I wish you were here to witness them. Until we see each other again, I love you Dad. Thank you for showing me a thing or two. If you were still here, I would make you proud. Since you're not, I do things that would make you proud.
I love and miss you. Nothing gets easier.
