Dear 2018,

This will be hard for you to hear but I need to be completely honest with you before you leave my life forever in a few short weeks. I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but you sucked.

I am not one for making New Year's resolutions because I have poor impulse control and don't believe in setting myself up for failure at the beginning of every single year. I have found that some deep thought and soul searching goes a long way when sending a prayer out into the universe.

I took the opportunity of a brand-new year and asked for help with 2 things. Strength and clarity. Not the, "I will join Cross Fit and become a strong force to be reckoned with" or "It's time for new classes, I need to make an appointment with Clarity Vision soon", but the kind of strength and clarity in my soul I felt depleted of.

There is a great scene in the movie Evan Almighty where God (played by Morgan Freeman" answers the question, "What does God do for you when you pray?"

Evan Almighty prayerwww.youtube.com

I knew I should have been more specific with my request for strength. God doesn't just hand over what we ask for. As the saying goes, "God helps those who help themselves". If someone prays for patience we don't suddenly become a patient person, He gives us opportunities to be patient. I asked for strength and clarity and found myself very unprepared for the challenges sent to me as opportunities to learn how strong I am and can be when needed.

If there was a year that challenged me, 2018 would be a top contender. Some challenges seem so insignificant now that I look back. Like setting sick with the flu during mid-terms and subsequently, missing every single one. Out of the 5 Communication classes at ECU only to fail a few and drop others was demoralizing. I signed up for the same classes again in this fall and passed them, reaffirming to myself that when I fall down, I am strong enough to get back up.

Some of the most important people in my lives have spent this past year struggling through major medical conditions. For those that lived another year and fought like hell against cancer, heart attacks, depression, and the devastating loss and unexpected trauma of our children, you are my heroes. I have cried with you, for you and fell to my knees in desperation more than once asking for mercy.

My personal demons did not hold a candle to what my tribe has endured. So, the old saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" may be more accurate than I gave it credit for.

Now I am trying to find the clues to what clarity looks like and what it means to me. I jumped head first into the animal rights pool early in 2018 and there are times I wish I didn't. Seeing how greed, power, and the almighty dollar has caused a diseased, corrupt and deadly world to grow exponentially is still shocking to this day. Knowing what I know now about intensive factory farming and the meat/dairy industry has done a few things for me. It has opened my eyes to the evil that I strongly believe is alive and very well on this planet.

Clarity for me is that I will not be a "sheeple" any longer and decide what is right for myself and my loved ones.