Before you say anything -- yes, I can do my own laundry. That is one thing I take pride in doing on my own. Everything else, on the other hand...not so much. Since my sophomore year of high school, I couldn’t wait to move out and go to college, but not because I wanted to get away from my family -- that’s actually the part I was dreading. I wanted to get out of my small town and see what else the world had to offer, even if it was only a three-hour drive away. Of course, once that time actually came, I had no idea it would be this hard. I went home the very first weekend and almost every weekend thereafter. I missed my mom, and I missed not having to do everything on my own with no one there to help me. It’s not that I wasn’t capable, I just never had to before.
I can attribute this to my being a momma’s girl, but my mom is just as much a daughter’s girl. She does everything for me she can, and until I left for college, that included booking and attending all my appointments, never letting me travel alone, and not making me get a job, because I never needed to. It wasn’t until I moved that I realized just how codependent I was. In one year, I moved out, rode the train by myself (and proudly continue to do so), started riding the bus (huge personal accomplishment, thanks), started making my own appointments, and got my first job. Looking back on my first year away from home, I was proud to say these were all things I could finally do by myself, but now that I’m well into my second year, I realize they are also all things I should have been able to do a long time ago.
It dawned on me that I’ve always had all these huge plans for myself -- moving to a new city or state, living on my own, getting my degrees and eventually a great job -- but I was so behind on my track to achieving them. I was all caught up academically, but mentally and emotionally, I still lived at home and had my mom do everything for me.
It’s not so much that college enabled me to be independent as it forced me to realize the capability I’ve always had. I’ve never been a huge talker, and I scarcely like asking for help, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do either of those things -- I’m an English major, for Christ’s sake. I’ll admit I never volunteer to order the pizza, but that’s partly in consideration of the employee on the other end; I talk really fast and ask a lot of clarifying questions.
Throughout my journey to independence, I was actually pleasantly surprised to discover that it only takes one time doing something unfamiliar to be comfortable enough to do it again, and it’s never as bad as I’m expecting (unless it’s ordering that pizza). Now I’m almost 20 and constantly wonder why I was ever so nervous to do all these things. I’m also two weeks away from my first family-less trip out of the country, and I couldn’t be more excited to explore the city with new people, but I’m also just as excited to come home and tell my mom all about it.
Even now, if I could take my mom everywhere I go, I would. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that I enjoy her company and her help, but I know now that I shouldn’t rely on it like I have for the past 19 years of my life. However, I have finally learned that I don’t have to choose between independence and my mom; I quite like living on my own but still having my mom call to make my dentist appointments. The only difference is now I know I can do it myself, I just don’t want to.
So thanks, mom, for letting me be lazy. And thank you too, college, for helping me finally function like a normal person. I am forever in your debt (literally).
