Out of all of my incomplete poems, nothing comes to mind. I could just wing it and write a poem that I do not care about, but no, I don't want to fall to that level. I want to face the fact that I can't write anything, and detail my thoughts about it.
Why can't I think of anything? Why am I drawing a blank? Have I lost my touch? I used to get excited for a deadline, I would be prepared a week ahead. If only I cared enough- wait, no it's not that. I do care.
So what is it with me?
Why does my brain fail to see that I care, that I want to write, I want to escape the monotonous and mundane life that I am beginning to live more every day.
So what is stopping me? Only my hands, the fingers that are typing this very sentence are the same tools that are failing to deliver me away from this plane.
The same fingers that do not accept my request to leave from my body and into my own realm of possibility, are denying me escapism. This body knows what I've been through, doesn't it? Why can't my muscles remember the mental pain that I endured and still am reeling over from all of these years?
No, that would be impossible. I've grown so much from the mental turmoil, the painful nights where I could not sleep. The near death scenarios in my head. The scarification caused by medicines that were ill-advised to me. I've been within and experienced my body and my chemical imbalances, but why can't my body remember with me?
Oh, there I go again. I take a common thing, experienced by most writers, and personalize it. "Adam, why can't you do this?" or "Adam, why would you act this way? There is no other person in the universe who can't cope like you. Be normal."
Well, this is normal for me.
To personalize things I can't control, to see through logical explanations, and taint them with my feelings and attribute their cause towards my character. But, I can handle this. I see the patterns, I can see the endless brigade of self doubt and low self esteem. And I can deal with it.
In a way, this is one of my coping mechanisms, writing straight from the brain, and onto paper.
Author's Note:
In this monologue, I explored my anxiety. My anxiety, like most clinical cases, does not only stem from worrying, but the act of worrying about worrying. The fact that I might be a wreck if one little thing goes wrong, horrifies me and an increasing number of people every day. It is important to not take the "wills of the universe" personally. Of course, I could give out advice about how to deal with anxiety, but it is not as universal as one would think. The most I can do personally is to offer my own experience, and how I can personalize general things such as writer's block.
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2. Searching through list after list to get everything you need
Every store has their own list of what you need and you’ve reached a point where you can’t decide which one is right anymore.
3. Shopping for deals
Ads after ads, coupons after coupons, you go shopping all the time and hope you get the best deal.
4. Getting bins to put everything in
Buying bins after bins and hoping you have enough for all the essentials
5. Figuring what you can’t live without
You can’t just take your entire room and place in your dorm. You need to figure out what you need.
You can’t just take your entire room and place in your dorm. You need to figure out what you need.
6. Going through clothes to find what you need
You have too many clothes and you don’t want to forget your favorite pair of sweatpants.
7. Finding out your siblings took something from you
You knew that top was somewhere, turns out it was in your sister’s dresser.
8. Fighting with your parents.
You know what you need and despite what your parents say yes you need that poster.
9. Trying to plan things with your roommate
If they don’t live by you, the discussion of who’s bringing what becomes harder.
10. The fear of forgetting something
While overpacking is a thing you’re scared you’ll forget something. You go over what you packed in your head a hundred times.
11. Move in day
You thought packing made you nervous but here comes move in day, this makes packing look like nothing
1. Most students just take life day by day.
2. That means procrastinating, one day at a time.
3. College students don't mind dressing like crap sometimes.
4. In fact, dressing nice feels weird.
5. College students get so stressed that they contemplate dropping on a daily basis.
6. But most find another solution to deal with that stress.
7. And that solution can be pretty cheap. Anything over $5 is expensive.
8. One of the only things college students will spend money on is coffee.
9. College is just really expensive and you never forget how expensive it is.
10. But hey, we're getting a somewhat high-quality education, right?
11. We all really just want to pet dogs all day.
12. And eat pizza for every meal.
13. And stab the next person who asks us what we want to do with our life.
14. However, despite the stress and student loans, college is amazing and there's plenty of reasons to smile.
Thank you, April, for inspiring us with your wicked relatability.
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