Step One: Setting Realistic Social Media Goals.
First day on the job. Your new editor beams at you as he explains how the company works: You write articles, the articles get shared on social media, revenue goes up, writers get paid. The more social media attention — the more shares, tweets, likes, pageviews, comments — the more revenue.
Every time he says “viral," you think “virile." Gross.
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Your editor then gestures towards the large screen of a desktop Mac, currently displaying a bunch of infographics and statistics. The Mac screen makes you think of the TVs in Fahrenheit 451. You wonder if this is the best your B.A. in Journalism will ever get you. You wonder if you wouldn’t have been better off wandering around Silicon Valley, looking for a rich husband.
Then, you remember that you are in Silicon Valley. Everywhere is Silicon Valley.
Step Two: Know Your Audience.
Your new editor is giving you pointers on your first draft. “Try using… smaller words. Here, for instance. And here. Make it easier to understand.”
“You mean… dumb it down?”
He chuckles. “No, no! Make it accessible. Remember, we’re trying to reach as many people as possible."
He suggests that you tweak your headline a bit too. Make it catchy. Make people want to click on the link. Bait them.
You nod and nod and nod as if you understand. But you don’t.
Step Three: Choosing Relevant Topics.
You're sitting at your desk. It's 2am. The outline in front of you is for an article about the Great Barrier Reef crisis. Realizing that this is not an article you can afford to write, you tear it out of your notebook and eat it. (You are so hungry.) You turn a new page and try again. "5 Gifs That Perfectly Describe The Work Week."
Suddenly, it all seems to fall together. It's so simple. Your pen flies across the page.
12 Things You Didn't Know About Rihanna's Left Buttcheek. How to Eat Octopus on a Date and Still Get Laid. 8 Kombucha LifeHacks You Never Knew You Needed. I Tried Kylie Jenner's Hummus Face Mask And Here's What Happened.
You do a quick Google search. Your suspicions are confirmed: Buzzfeed has already written all of these.
Step Four: Incorporating Personal Experiences to Let Your Voice Shine.
You’ve been folding clothes at your shitty retail job for hours. You hear a customer, an old man with loose teeth, grumble, “Kids today, these millennials. They’re so lazy. They think they have it hard…”
You approach, smiling. “Can I help you with anything sir?”
Before he leaves, you make sure to slip some merchandise into his shopping bag. As the alarms sound throughout the store, you consider writing a ragepiece about entitled baby boomers and their constant millennial bashing. You hope the piece will pay better than the minimum-wage paycheck that you won’t be getting for another week. Is today Tuesday? Or Saturday. ...What month is it?
Step Five: Learning the Tools of the Trade.
SEO stands for ‘Seeking Empty Oracles.' Your article tags are looking lazy: #viralthis #viralthat #fitspo #miseryanddespair #pugs
You haven’t touched HTML since the Myspace Era. You’ve recently learned how to add .gifs to your listicles. Under item #5, “That Feeling You Get When the Direct Deposit Comes In,” you place a .gif of a baby elephant rolling happily in the mud.
You stop. You ponder. You ask yourself, “Is this .gif even relevant?”
Then, you nod decisively. “Yes. Yes it is,” you say to yourself calmly, opening another bottle of wine. “It is a relevant elephant.”
Step Six: Self-Promoting and Networking.
Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hello?”
“Hi Mom." You are so tired. You've begun to hear colors. “Thanks for the Facebook shares. Means a lot.”
“Oh! Yes dear, of course. Your Uncle Jonah enjoyed your last article immensely, thought that elephant picture was a riot.” As she chats, you zone out, vaguely thinking about your external hard drive filled with nothing but baby elephant pictures. You consider making an Instagram for them. “Anyway dear,” she says, “how are you doing?”
“I’m good,” you say cheerfully. “Hey, do you think you could ask Dad to share the link too? I could really use the boost.”
A pause. “Honey...” your mother says slowly. “I haven’t spoken to your father in 10 years.”
Bewildered, you glance down at your phone. It isn’t a phone. It’s a banana.
Step Seven: Establishing a Social Media Presence.
One more share and you'll get paid. One more share and you'll get paid.
You think of how many articles it'll take to pay off the parking ticket you got earlier this week. (Your father never taught you how to parallel park before he left. Go figure.) You can reach that goal, easy.
Now, you no longer cringe when you tweet to self-promote. Perhaps because every time you do, your mouth makes an involuntarily tweeting noise — like a bluejay. You have become a true social media influencer; your integrity as a writer, as intact as the Berlin Wall. This is your craft. This is your living. "O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving beast!"
You are no longer hungry. You take a large, grateful bite of a delicious banana. You glance down. It's your phone.
