If there is one thing my English major has taught me, it's that language matters. The specific words, phrasings, and sentence structures we choose have social implications, even if we don't notice these implications immediately. Similarly, our approach to environmental writing must be careful, lest we misrepresent the natural world or continue to place humans at the center of the universe. Here's how to write in an eco-friendly way; that is, here's how to appease a natural world that doesn't care about our words, with our words.

Before writing, pledge yourself to an ancient fertility goddess (Celtic, Norse, and Egyptian are best). Write her name down on a compostable piece of paper. Then burn the piece of paper. She is no longer your goddess. This will teach you that love is fleeting, as is the natural world since humans won't stop exploiting it for personal gain.

Make yourself some writing tools: blend up a wad of compost for ink (beet compost works best for this), and use your own flesh as paper. Use your fingers as writing utensils. You will have successfully produced no waste in your writing endeavors. Also, if you want to save your writing, never take a bath again. Your words will be caked onto your skin until they rub away naturally. Plus, you won't use nearly as much water in your daily life.

Do not sign your name after the title of your piece. To write something as atrociously offensive as "by [your name]" after the title would be natural treason, because it suggests that you are supreme. You are not supreme. You did not write this article. The soil upon which your house is built, the trees that made the wood that composes the chair upon which you sit, the fruits and vegetables and animals that died to fuel your body and your brain -- these are what wrote your article. Instead of "by [your name]," write "by The Earth."

Never make nature the object of any clause. The natural world has been considered an object for too long. If you're writing a clause like, "the atrocities done to the forests," stop immediately. Go outside and find a tree. Kneel. Sincerely apologize to the tree. The tree will not respond. You will have learned a valuable lesson.

Do not use the word "human" in your writing. Humanity is far too valued by itself; let's foster some humility in our species. Instead of using "human," use "asshole," "hairless, two-legged flesh bag," or "complacent member of a crumbling society." All of these, and other phrases you can create yourself, are acceptable, so long as they serve to shame the human species.

If you wish to publish, consult a pack of wolves for permission. If they eat you, you'll know your piece has been rejected.