Tattoos have always been an inevitability for me. I want to find and keep things that will last, so it doesn't bother me so much when people ask what I'll do in 20 years when I hate them. The simple answer is this: I won't. I chose them for myself, and I gave them a meaning that, for better or for worse, is not going to change for the rest of my life. It isn't a pretty subject, but the reason and the legacy behind it are the reasons that I chose two pieces of punctuation, the semicolon and the interrobang, as my first tattoos.
The Semicolon Project was started to empower and help people who struggle with mental illness, addiction or anything else that could make them feel like hope and love are no longer options. I was and still am one of those people. I chose to become a permanent spokesperson for the movement because it is a topic that should be talked about. No one should feel that they need to be silent just because their issues are not as easily seen as other health problems. Resilience does not have to be something that you and only you create. I know that I would not be here if it was not for the breakdown and the buildup that followed from family and friends and all the other people that I let in to help me understand that I was going to be okay.
Being outspoken about this side of myself does have a certain awkwardness at times. When you have tattoos, people ask about them. It can be your boss or your grandma or a total stranger. Regardless of who it is or how well you know them, it can be difficult to explain that the reason you inked that thing onto your skin is because to some extent you no longer wanted to be part of this world. It's met with varying responses, but what matters is that you personally are proud of it. I am, and so are the people that care about me. It isn't an easy thing to say, and so being able to each time is almost like winning a small battle with the part of yourself that just wants to let go.
My other tattoo, the interrobang, isn't really linked to anything in specific. I chose it because I liked it and it's rare, but the more I thought about it the more it meant to me. I have depression, and one of the main markers of that isn't so much overwhelming sadness as much as it is a lack of it or any other emotion. There's this certain hollow feeling that replaces them all, especially in the worst times. The symbol became a reminder to feel those things, even if they are ugly and painful and not what I want to face. It's also a reminder to be strong. A question mark and an exclamation point are merged to create it, and the meaning becomes a strength in curiosity and interest. I am, whenever I look at it, reminded to be bold in whatever circumstances and to not be afraid when I am faced with doubt or sadness.
If anyone reading this is considering the idea, I would absolutely recommend it. It makes things uncomfortable, but we need them to be. Silence should be a choice, not something that shame forces people into. When the time is right, make your mark. Until then, bide your time and know that you've got us on your side.
