Ok, the title is very petty and I am a very dramatic person but I have beef with Wow Air and the world needs to know before the wrong another hopeful youth.

DON’T fly Wow air. The name has nothing to do with the actual airline. Do not be fooled, this plane was a tin can of death and despair. It’s almost ironic because as we were getting ready to board, when I was hopeful wee lassie, I made a mental joke to myself, “Thank god we aren’t flying United,” “Ha ha ha,” internal Frankie chuckled back because no airline could ever be worse than United, right? Well, after flying Wow I can wholeheartedly say I would much rather allow a United flight attendant to yaga me off their plane if it meant I never had to step foot in that purple hell hole again.

1. You will want to rip your legs off in an attempt to get more legroom

The seats were literally situated in a massive grind line. For those of you who didn’t have the pleasure of attending Sweet 16’s as a promiscuous 10^th grader, this is implying that the seats were literally on top of each other in a grinding fashion. Legroom came to a total of -17 in. On top of this, the seats were basically lawn chairs. The padding was so thin, my legs and everything else became instantly numb upon take-off.

2. You will become EXTRA close to the person you're sitting next to

BUT ALAS, you can’t even stretch your aching twigs of pain because by doing so, you’ve not only whacked your knee on the seat in front of you, but you’ve also disturbed the sleeping stranger who is literally sitting BASICALLY ON TOP OF YOU because the seats are made for small children to sit in. My side butt was in contact with a fathers’ side butt for the duration of the flight. And it became so normal to me, when we finally got up, my side butt felt naked and afraid.

3. Expect to be full on scalped

The seats came with a spunky little saying on each headrest in an attempt to spice up the whole journey and possibly hide the fact that you are literally forced to sit with perfect posture or else you will be fully on top of your flying companion. The spunky saying is printed onto a piece of fabric that is Velcroed to the headrest. Since Satan loves to watch me suffer, my headrest didn’t have a little fortune cookie saying like everyone else’s did.

BUT OH DON’T WORRY, I was blessed enough to have the little piece of Velcro for my hair to tangle itself into every. time. I. moved. It felt like a bunch of tiny fingers pulling on each individual strand of hair with every slight turn of my head. So sleeping was simply not an option because my head would lull to the side and suddenly I’m awoken by the sensation of utter PAIN as my hair is ripped from my scalp. I sat with my head slightly forward for a majority of the flight. Things were great. My neck felt great. Wow Air is great.

4. The captain will NEVER speak anything other than Icelandic so, are we crashing? IDK

Basically, if you didn’t speak Icelandic, you didn’t know what was happening. The captain would speak in a muffled, monotone voice and a majority of the plane had to watch in fear as the flight attendants strapped themselves into their seat mid-flight. And then he would speak again, after a good five minutes of internal panic and confusion, and the flight attendants would go about their activities because to them, it was just turbulence, but to everyone else, it was the possibility of crash landing into the ocean.

5. The plane may smell like beef, but it's not from the complimentary refreshments!

And finally, the kicker, the cherry on top of my petty but also completely warranted informative rant, was the fact that they didn’t offer a free drink. Every flight I’ve been on has offered a complimentary drink. A tiny soda can of goodness and a small bag of pretzels if they’re feeling jazzy. I automatically assumed that since our flight was six hours of discomfort, we would obviously be offered a free drink. I had just inhaled a whole can of Pringles and sat waiting for my Ginger Ale (I had already mentally picked out my drink, I was also salivating).

The cart came busting down the aisle, and I became concerned because it was skipping people. But I was hopeful. “They’re probably asleep,” I thought to myself, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew the truth. The cart comes closer; I’m ready to attack. I’m essentially drooling at this point; I can taste the ginger essence of the Gods on my tongue. I AM READY. And the cart passes. And I raise my hand as if I’m in class because I am so taken aback. The attendant stops, looks at me and sighs as I ask for my Ginger Ale. “It’s $3,” she replies and pulls out the miniature can.

Now, cha girl is balling on a budget, so I had to refuse the TINY YET SOMEHOW $3 CAN of my sweet, sweet Ginger Ale, and I did so with so much pain and suffering in my heart, I had to hold back burning tears.

Wow Air single-handedly made me want to exit the plane in mid-flight. I had already been through so much discomfort, and now this? Now you want to lay THIRST on me? So I write this rant-based article so that no one ever makes the same mistake I did, because if you’re ever flying to Iceland and the options are Wow Air and Iceland Air, you better pick Iceland Air. If you don’t, I can’t even say I’ll pray for you because you’ve been warned. Enjoy the imaginary soda as you sit in a 2x2 square of pain and suffering.