It had nothing to do with getting up early with him or changing diapers. That was easy for me. I expected the diapers, the early mornings and I even prepared myself for the testiness. But I never even struggled with his son not listening to me. Honestly, we never fought about rules or behavior...we were lucky to be on the same page when it came to those things, and he was great about backing me up.
When I met my ex he told me about his son, this exuberant, intelligent, loving little boy who was shy, but a firecracker nonetheless. I remember meeting his son for the first time in the fall, this tiny blond-headed burst of energy zipping through the grass, yelling at me "Get me, Loren! Get me!"
Within about an hour he wouldn't let me put him down. He asked me to be his best friend and in that moment I handed over my heart, knowing that this little boy was going to mean the absolute world to me.
The transition was even easier than I expected; his son attached to me very quickly and we all seemed to respond well to it. I volunteered to help with a lot, and I was never asked to do anything that I didn't want to do. Looking back, maybe I had too much responsibility... but I never actually minded having it. And I think that was a large aspect that made the transition easy.
It wasn't finding balance in my role as the girlfriend of a parent that was tough; it was the emotions.
I watched him a lot. And honestly, that was the best part. We spent so many days at the park playing baseball and coloring or playing hide and seek. In the morning he used to ask me to hold him while I was cooking breakfast and he would tuck his little arms under mine, and bury his face in my neck. When it was time to drop him off so I could go to work he would cry and beg me to stay, and it always broke my heart. But in those days he gave me the best kind of love.
And that is the innocent kind. The kind that only children can give you. Before they learn sassiness; before they learn anything about selfishness or independence or make priorities of their own. Children love in such an unconditional, joyful way... and I can't put into words the beautiful effect that can have on someone's life. His love for me was the best part of that relationship.
With the good comes the bad, though, and there were times I felt like I was on the most intense emotional roller coaster. I worried about him when he was gone. I became infuriated over some of the things he would tell me. I would obsess over ways to make his situation easier. He was always getting sick and I swear I developed an anxiety disorder because of it.
When it was time for him to leave he would normally become hysterical, and it was all I could do to keep from becoming hysterical myself. When people you love can't advocate for themselves it's agonizing to sit by and have zero power in trying to help.
Unfortunately, co-parenting isn't always a smooth operation. My then-boyfriend and his ex had a very volatile relationship, and it never got easier to witness. There was constant fighting and hate, back and forth between them. Their son witnessed more than he should have and was often times smack dab in the middle of them. I hated that part. Everything was a battle. And that isn't fair to any child.
I wish someone would have told me how heartbreaking it would be to watch that little boy be stuck in the back and forth animosity of his parents. When in the big picture, his needs were honestly pretty simple.
I wish I would have known how excruciatingly frustrating it would be to have zero power in his life. No matter my effort, no matter my dedication to change his situation, at the end of the day I was not his parent. And I didn't get to decide what was best for him.
That was rough for me. Because at the times I wanted to shelter him from the situations he was faced with, I was the last person who could do so.
Obviously, when you commit to someone who has a kid, you intend on that commitment to be everlasting. But that isn't always how life works out.
Having to leave that little boy was something I struggled with for a long time. And in many ways, I stayed in that relationship because of how much I loved him. I wanted to be that stable, patient and trusted person he needed. And when I left I felt like I abandoned him. My ex would send me videos of him asking about me, saying he loved me and wondering when I was going to come back.
In all the mistakes I've ever made, I have never faced the kind of guilt that hit me in those moments. Because he didn't understand our relationship and why it had to end. All he knew was that all of a sudden, I was gone. I felt like I left him in a situation that I, unlike him, could choose to walk away from.
Though the experience was painful, in many ways, I learned to be better. I learned to let things be bigger than myself and to let the little things go. I learned how hard it is to draw those boundary lines as a parental figure. At what point do you step into that role? What if one of their parents is deliberately lacking?
Do you try to help pick up that slack? Everyone has a different opinion on this, but I honestly believe it's what works best for you and the family you are stepping into.
If I had to stress anything to someone who is dating a parent, I would advise them to always be the calm in the storm. No matter what the parents are going through with each other, it's so important for kids to have stability and for them to be kept out of the line of fire. I would also suggest that they try to have a good relationship with the child's other parent, even though that isn't always possible.
It's so much easier when everyone can communicate and get along, and it is always in the child's best interest for the adults in their lives to work together. You're a team for that kid and they deserve for their team to give them the best they possibly can.
Being a kind of parental figure in a child's life is hard, beautiful, consuming, frustrating and incredible all at once. I'm grateful I got to be a part of his life, but I realized how important it is, for myself, to have children only after I commit to an everlasting, healthy relationship. Everyone is his life had to handle emotions that weren't easy to tackle. And I wish I could say we all made the best of it.
