I recently had a NOT OkCupid date with a real charmer. I agreed to meet Ryan Gosling Look-Alike or RGL at a local Hell’s Kitchen sports bar. I guess I was getting lazy and broke my own online dating rule by not asking my potential suitor to give me a quick call on the phone prior to meeting. Bonus points if a guy calls without you asking!

In the days leading up to our date, RGL’s text messages didn’t elicit any red flags and his pictures were HOT! I was walking a mere four blocks away from my apartment so I knew I could bail and easily go home if things started to get wacky.

RGL was working at a construction site just down the block from the bar, which was convenient for the both of us on our first date! He was seated all the way in the back of the bar. There were like a hundred seats up front and it was a beautiful night. Why would he choose such an awkward seating location? Was he hiding from someone?

The answer is YES! When I arrived RGL said he didn’t want his boss to see him at the bar because he was technically on the clock. Oh, and get this: RGL’s title was “Safety Manager” for the construction site he was working on. I wondered who the hell was supervising the site if the Safety Manager was eating a Caesar salad and drinking a beer? Weird.

I ordered my usual dirty martini with olives. Perhaps due to the martini buzz making my head all fuzzy I became thoroughly entertained by all of the shit streaming out of RGL’s

mouth. But then I began berating myself (in my head of course) that I should not have broken my phone call rule!

Dear audience, I repeat: please, please, please, don’t go on an online date without a quick phone chat. There are many reasons why I made the phone call rule. I can’t tell you how many prospective serial killers and weirdoes I’m sure I met by not doing my due diligence on the phone first.

There’s a reason why I made the phone call rule. You can learn a lot with a quick call such as:

1: Whether or not he speaks English

2: Whether or not conversation will flow during your date and you’re not just playing a game of stare to see who will blink first

3: Whether or not you actually want to continue the conversation in the flesh

4: Whether or not you sense any hint of crazy, pervert, or serial killer in his voice

Now back to the story: I just could NOT believe what this guy was revealing to me on a first date! Although it’s probably best he did spill all of his beans that first date so I knew not to waste my time on a second.

I had a sneaking suspicion that RGL was recently released from prison, probably for a DWI, judging from the fact that he lived in Newark, NJ, and did not own a car. RGL also

felt the need to vomit all of his dirty laundry to the first unassuming woman he met—me.

Who the hell tells someone on a first date that they:

1: Have been fired from four different jobs

2: Have been engaged three times

3: Have created a phony Facebook profile under a hot classical musician’s name to assume a different identity so he could mess with his Hungarian ex-girlfriend!

4: Have driven his car into a subway station and ran from the police because that’s what you do. According to RGL, you always run from the cops!

5: Oh and he goes to mass every Sunday at 7:30 am because he is a good Irish Catholic boy!

I’m surprised his church hasn’t burnt down yet!

Going back to #3 above, RGL told me how he moved to Hungary to live with his beautiful girlfriend and was thrown out three days later for punching a hole in her wall and threatening her male friend. All of ABL’s belongings were left on the streets of Budapesht and he returned back to the states. This was the fifth red flag alert in under an hour. Again why the fuck was he telling me all of this?!

I know you’re wondering why I stayed and didn’t run away. I just had to order a second martini because I couldn’t believe the shit that was coming out of his mouth and I am a writer after all! It kept

getting better and better!

Finally, it was time for our enchanted evening to end and for me to my escape. RGL texted me FIVE minutes after we parted ways and apologized for his behavior. He said that who I met was not the real him. He was just very tired and said I was beautiful. Well, thank you, but I’m just not into you. RGL even sent a follow up text message two months later. I give him credit for having the balls to think I might actually have been interested.

The end.