Hey there, guys! Mixing it up again with a little something I wrote this past summer in the dead of night during a time when I was desperate for a summer job. See, I'd been forced to quit my previous job at a grocery store I'd been told would rehire me after previous summers of working there. Ha. Right.

Turns out that wasn't the case. I'd been on the job hunt for several weeks, and on this particular day, I'd spent quite literally the entire day filling out online job applications. I don't think I need to put any more work into describing what that's like. Anyone who's filled out even one of those little buggers knows just how soul-sucking they can be. Now try taking an entire day to fill them out.

Needless to say, I was beyond tired and more than a little frustrated when I started another application for CVS. About three-quarters of the way through it, one of the prompts required me to upload a cover letter. I did not have a cover letter prepared, nor had I written one before. So, at 2:30 a.m., I decided to write one on the spot. Probably not one of my wisest decisions. But hey, I did find a better-paying job about a week after writing this. So now, at least, this can serve as a source of amusement as well as an easily relatable frustration for anyone who's been in the lurch for a job. I hope you enjoy.

A Cover Letter to Remember

Hello, human that actually decided to read this. I commend you for doing so. Really, I do. And I fully realize this is so far from what a cover letter is supposed to be. But it's 2:30 in the morning, and twelve detailed job applications and over a week later, I am honestly running out of patience for this sort of thing. Plainly and simply, I would really love to be hired by CVS. Really, I would. I would love to be hired by anyone at this point. But please, don't take that as a bad thing! This just means that I would work damn hard for anyone at this point, including CVS. I have had over two years of previous retail experience through Stew Leonard's Farm Goods in Yonkers, NY, as well as being employed as a document proofreader by Huntington University in Huntington, Indiana for the past school year from September to May. I have never been fired, reprimanded, nor given anything other than compliments and commendations for my work. Let me be quite honest. I need to earn money this summer for college. I have mastered operating a cash register through and through after my experience at Stew Leonard's, and after the fast-paced and often break-neck speed of customer processes there, I am more than prepared for any business volume I might encounter at CVS. I am courteous, friendly, and diligent in assisting customers to the extreme. I would love to come to you in person to demonstrate this firsthand or tell you about it in an interview, but I'm beginning to doubt any hirer will ever let me get that far. Plus employers seem to no longer entertain the old-fashioned notion of an applicant turning in his resume and application in person. You know—to get to know the person who's going to work for you. Like any human being should.

Now you must forgive me, I know this may come across as offensive. You don't even know me, and I'm somewhat projecting the frustrations of the futility of my job hunt onto you. It's just becoming increasingly difficult to simply cope with the fact that a Dean's List college student with previous retail and volunteer experience in his resume could have such a difficult time in securing a job for the summer. I will work hard, harder than any other employee. My instinct to keep my surroundings clean will guarantee a spotless store, wherever I am seen fit to be placed or assigned. I have an excellent memory, and can easily commit the locations of numerous items within the store to memory to assist searching customers.

In conclusion, wonderful human who should be commended for deigning to read this one cover letter out of —God, I don't even know how many you must have to go through— thank you for taking the time. At best, I hope my blatant honesty will mean something to you and favorably single my application out from the rest. At worst, I hope I have at least been amusing to you. Thank you for your consideration.

-Terence Koch